Prologue
“Today’s Enemies” 13:46_Warsaw, Poland_2258
Jonathan Valini
Bullets whizzed by overhead like jets, and angered commands rang out among the troops of both sides. Taking off down the enemies’ right flank, I sprung out of my cover behind a solid brick barricade before grabbing the trigger of my machine gun and sending a barrage of gunfire into the bellies of the soldiers. Whisking swiftly over a severed wall that once stood tall among the stone houses, I switched on the heartbeat sensor connected to my gun and crouched down in the shadows.
I stood there silently, not making a sound as the din of the combat blazed outside, and then a ping hit my eardrums like a dog whistle. The sensor had picked up something. The little red spot on the sensor stared me in the eye as I held, gun ready, at the darkened entrance and simply sat. A figure stepped out into the open with hands held into the air and face stern.
“Your army doesn’t frighten me, John,” he mused with a satisfied grin.
I didn’t move a muscle from my position at the hind end of my SAR 21A, “Liar!” I spat, “You don’t how many ways I could kill you this very second!”
Without so much as a sly comeback, the enemy general reached out his hand to grasp something behind the doorframe. My gagged comrade, with a pistol to his head, was all that was needed to spark my flaring anger.
“You and your soldiers play dirty!” I raged, before realizing my simple solution to the problem, “but I have to admit you’re as shifty as a wildcat!”
As if destiny had been knocking and the this situations savior had been standing ready, a savage cry of both vexation and excitement rang out and my lieutenant came bursting through the door with her M4A1 in her hand, her jet black hair flying in a whirlwind around her head. Before the enemy general could even pull the trigger, she kicked his legs out from under him and gave him a spray of armor piercing rounds to the spine. I smiled with an evil delight and lowered my light machine gun.
“Nice timing, Kasey,” I said thankfully, putting my hand up for a high five, “I’m surprised you still remembered the hostage plan.”
She shoved the broken corpse of the general to the side with his foot as she came over, using her knife to cut the gag on my soldier, “I don’t forget anything!” she boasted sharply, before looking my way with a gleam of sarcasm in her bloodthirsty red eyes, “Anyway, isn’t the plan always the same? I jump in at some surprising nifty moment like it is some dramatic action film and kill everyone.”
With a slight chuckle at the mostly true statement I offered a hand to my soldier and hauled him up onto his feet, “You ok, Mark?”
“Fine thank you,” he replied softly, “Besides that, we have new orders. Command just radioed and wants the SS911 to go on a stealth mission to sabotage their communications grid while they’re occupied here. We’re pulling in fresh troops to provide a distraction.”
“Only us three?” I questioned him just to be sure. I didn’t want to leave out the other members of the squad; they were ornery enough as is. My reply was simply a nod and a joy-filled smile from Kasey. Without waiting for opinions, simply because I knew they would all be the same, I raised my fist and shouted, “Hooah!”
“Hooah!” they both repeated with an amped up enthusiasm.
In the swirling dirt of heavy set footfalls and gales of air brushing the moorland and a deep blue, crystal-colored lake on the horizon, the settlements beside it ravaged by the warfare, we charged away towards the distant outpost that was bare of guards.
Mark fell beneath the hedges and grabbed the .50 cal sniper rifle from off his back. Only a single guard remained at the outpost and he obviously wasn’t the enemy’s best, and with a single, silenced shot, he collapsed to the cobblestone walkway below.
I turned around and peered into the bushes and upon seeing his yellow eyes shine in the darkness and I nodded, giving him silent thanks. Kasey and I sprinted ahead under the bridges and catwalks before stopping with our guns held ready at the bolted, wooded door that held some intelligence Command would be privileged to possess along with the transmitter for the grid. Mark came up behind us from his sniper post and approached the door. After a few shots from his Barrett on the locks and a hardy kick, the door collapsed on itself.
I cautiously reached along the wall in the blackness and found the light switch, and the lights flickered on. Mark walked without haste to the folders stacked in unorganized piles among the several canisters shelved in metal cabinets. He flipped his long, sandy blonde hair out of his eyes and started to sift through the piles as Kasey slouched down in front of a sophisticated laptop. She began typing in a twenty-digit code into the personal computer. I’ve watched her hack anything from computers to a Humvee, this was her forte.
I reached for a stack of files that looked special. On the outside of it was stamped an insignia unknown to me. It was strange as well; a black star with red and white outlines and gold silhouettes of melee weapons from a switchblade to an axe circling it. Tossing the symbol aside, I searched diligently through the documents it contained.
I pulled out a stapled stash of papers completely filled with small font writing and descriptions of past and even future missions, along with information on allies and contacts for biological warfare and ammo. I dumped the rest aside, for Mark to take for they were nothing compared to this, and raised the packet high in the air, “We got what we came for,” I ordered with a grin spreading the length of my entire face, “now let’s leave this place to burn!”
And Poland’s grip on victory fell.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
This seems like the foreshadow of the war in Poland in World War 2. But with more depth. What I like about this is the description and the way you've used it. Your use of adjective is really quite good also.
What I look for in writing is ease of reading. I found this ok to read, but not to easily. You tend to find that you can over do it in descriptions. But it also depends what kind of audience your aiming for.
I also find this particularly predictive to read, you can almost tell what's going to happen, and I think you need to change up what it going on.
I don't really like though how its something not new? if you get what I mean. Because it seems like its just a scene from an action movie, and you can slot it into quite a few different films.
I say you portrayed it really well, but need to look for some originality
Hello FutureAstronaut!
Time for a review.
This story reminds me a lot of the action movies that came out during the 1980's. The dialogue is cheesy, the plot is flimsy, and the action is over the top. It isn't an isolated even, but permeates throughout the entire prologue.
A good action scene has some of these aspects to it:
1. A plan. Sometimes this takes the form of a squad leader giving orders. Other times, we skip directly to the action, so that the action is a surprise. Whether or not you include the plan in the final draft, you should still have a basic plan of how things will happen.
The plan also probably reflect aspects of your character. If he's a clever guy, then he'll probably come up with a clever plan.
2. A complication. Your character enacts the plan, only to find that something has made it more complicated. It could be that there was more security than you thought there'd be. Or maybe one of your team members gets injured by an accident just before the Operation begins. Perhaps gear goes missing, or a guard raises the alarm. However it happens, the complication is a good way to show off the improvisational and creative skills of your character. You can have multiple complications.
3. The conclusion. Having introduced the plan and the complication, your character now gets to resolve it. Usually this means that your character is able to accomplish his mission. But sometimes it can involve letting a key character escape so they can do more nefarious deeds. It may even mean letting your protagonist get captured (which is my personal favorite, particularly if the plan the protagonist came up with was idiotic and stupid.)
Hopefully this helps you with action scenes.