Dark Hours: The Beginning Chapter 1: Hell Bound

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!! And I see you're new here so Welcome to YWS!! I hope you enjoy it here!!

First Impression: This was a powerful opening chapter here...I love the description going on here, especially in the first paragraph, and the building horror and unease throughout the piece, with it all coming to a head in those last couple of paragraphs makes for a pretty nicely done first chapter.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Her religious fear has come true. To be stuck in heel for all eternity. She believed in heaven as much as she believed in hell. The girl knew there was something after death, she just didn't know if she could go to heaven or hell, apparently her judgement was early. She didn't remember dying either just simply falling asleep and waking up here. The screams of the damned and tortured rang in her ears. Light beads of sweat dripped down her forehead, it felt as if she was in a sauna but on the highest heat. The air smelled of burnt flesh and the ground felt like pin point needles piercing her feet. Essence let out a small whimper as she was shoved lightly: being the center of attention was always uncomfortable for her. She was in the presence of demons, ghouls, those alike and what felt to be a king? The girl did what was expected of her, she bowed lowering her head out of respect and the need to stay calm. Their scarred and mutilated faces would haunt her dreams if she got out of this, there was a doubt in the back of her mind that she would. Essence hadn't been in hell long and she wanted to let out her own haunting screams of agony. Her mouth was dry and her unruly curly hair that failed to grow past her shoulders clung to her wet skin. Essence wore a thin black tank top, she was glad she actually wore a bra to sleep and leggings tonight. she wanted to rip them off because it was only making her hotter then what she already was. Her peril was interrupted when she heard a raspy deep voice chuckle.

This is a slightly top heavy start, you might want to make this paragraph a teensy bit smaller to start off with mostly because it just a little tougher to read when you have something quite this big. Other that very nitpicky detail, this is actually a really good first paragraph. You're doing a very good job in strongly establishing exactly where this person is here...and the descriptions of the surroundings in hell are rather powerful here. I love how you've not simply stopped at the visuals but really gone into the sounds and smells as well, it all comes together wonderfully to paint a powerful picture here and it does catch your attention really fast here.

"Gather around boys and girls..we have fresh meat." And like that she knew it could only be one person. Lucifer. As ordered a circle of hundred and thousands of demon men and women crowded around like hungry beasts. They pushed and shoved and clawed but not even one of them would be able to touch her. She belong to lucifer, her soul at least anyways. Her soul was his, it was his because it was the purest of pure, untainted by the evils and maltreatment of the world. One of God's many children was being handed over without a second guess. "Here before our very eyes is the one..the only.." this was a different voice, more soothing and calm than the one held by lucifer. It seemed familiar to her. "Essence..the woman who holds the soul of the last Veni on earth." the voice continued. A finger was felt rolling under her chin, her head reluctantly lifting in the process. Scared hazel eyes met crimson auburn ones, it was like fire was trapped inside them. She'd never seen something so horrible and destructive become magnificently breathtaking before in her life. The unstable crowd hooped and hollered hearing this news when yet the girl couldn't even grasp if this was a dream or not. "Trust me you aren't dreaming sweet one." The male before her purred. A chill ran down her spine as he removed his finger that effortlessly held up her head.

Okay...so that seemed to hint at some kind of prophecy of some sorts maybe..or something old an ancient that seems to make this person different from just any old person that ends up in this place. It seems to be hinting at that sort of thing anyway. We get some more nice thoughts and reactions here to the things that are happening to this person and it really showcases her state of mind quite well. Its horrifying as much as it is mysterious and that's a great combination to start on.

The discomfort of the heat made her squirm slightly in her clothes, the material rubbed and pinched her flushed caramel skin. A chuckled came from the demon. "Let me help you with that." He whispered before she felt a small refreshing gust of wind, Essence didn't get a chance to react when her clothes fell to shreds around her. This all fueled the fire of the crowded animals watching.

Well, that can't be good..I think, the things being done to her at the moment aren't necessarily good but as much as the descriptions sound somewhat evil the actions themselves and especially the words don't seem as malicious as I thought they would be here.

As the signals in her brain fired jumping across the synapses she whimpered and quickly covered her body best she could with all she had left; her hands. Hands trembling, limbs aching Essence was pulled to her feet. Humiliated and embarrassed she attempted to hide behind the male who held her arm hostage. "It's you're lucky day, you get to go home. I'll see you there sweet one." He chuckled before spinning her in front of him. "Keep the bed warm."

Hmm, yeah as terrifying as the voice sounds and as horrified as Essence seems here, it seems to almost be gentle somehow and I wonder if that is intentional. It also looks like this stint in hell is a rather brief preview almost before she's soon about to be returned to wherever she was earlier.

Just like that Essence sat up in her bed gasping, clutching her sheets in her hands. Her dark fear filled eyes flew around the dimly lit room for any sign of those demons from deep beneath the earth's crust. Nothing was untouched or out of place, it was a dream..wasn't it? Her breathing slowed as she threw the wet covers from her body and she began to move toward her bathroom.

Hmm...well, this seems like something that happened to her in her sleep judging by that reaction, although it seems very clear that whatever that was, it was definitely not a dream by any means, but some sort of vision perhaps...or maybe she actually did end up in hell momentarily through some means.

Essence looked down noticed her leggings and tank top were drenched in sweat, carefully removing them she dropped the set of clothing in the basket as she flipped on the light. As she arrived at the mirror she noticed her skin was still red from how flushed and upset she'd been from the dream. Turning on the sink she leaned down to place cold water on her face.

Yup, the effects on her body here clearly seem to indicate that whatever happened earlier left its mark quite well..although the clothes luckily seem to have survived. This is all but confirming it wasn't a dream and that makes things just that much more mysterious here.

As she dried her face the hairs on the back of her neck stood before she felt a presence, slowly looking toward the mirror. Her eyes fell on the demon from her 'dream'. Those cold auburn eyes seemed to flicker in the light. His teeth was as white as fresh snow, his lips were a soft pink tone, his skin was pale no blemishes to be seen anywhere and his eyes was almost as dark as the shirt he was wearing.

Essence stiffened as she saw the male step closer to her in the mirror but she didn't move until she felt warm breath on the back of her neck. Swallowing the lump that was forming in her throat and blinking back the tears she turned fully to see the man only inches away from her.

Well...it looks like the statement that the figure said down in hell was very much true and he has indeed arrived right behind her to the land of the living and I can't say whether this is mean to be suuper creepy and scary or if this is somehow meant to be some sort of more comforting presence. The words sounded comforting earlier, but the presence was certainly threatening.

The smell of mint and charcoal filled her nose and she was paralyzed; afraid to raise her eyes to meet this males. "W-what do you want from me?" Essence finally questioned her voice trembling as she felt tears burning in her eyes. His answer came as smooth as butter melting in the warm oven. "Your soul, I'm going to break it. In time you'll see."

The same finger from her dream lifted her head once more. "I can see why he thinks you're so special, so sad he gave you up so easily." He continued softly which a smirk of mischief on his face. "An easier job for me." Essence let the tears go she had been holding back and also the breath. "It wasn't a dream w-was it?" She asked again. His other hand raised to tuck a strand of curly hair behind her ear. "No sweet one it was not." He grinned.

Yeah, that just seems like a very thinly veiled outright threat that seems to suggest that she's going to go through some proper torture in the times to come and the whole "soul breaking" part sounds very much like they're going to attempt to mentally and physically break this person..and all in all, the end just promises horrible things to come this way for the poor girl.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Besides that slightly too large first paragraph, this had barely anything for me to point out really. You play up the idea of this horrible place very well, the creep factor by the person that did the threatening there towards the end is very nicely captured...and all in all, that's a nice little cliffhangery point to end on. I'm certainly interested enough by this point to want to find out more here.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

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