Published April 11, 2013
Ends wait from the beginning of days
Until the moment before when death breathes
“Rest” in your tired half-deaf ear and stays
Echoing tranquilly as your soul leaves
Leaves in piles, jump in and you forget
The silent clock ticking inside reminds
Each minute’s a gift, each jump you’ll let
Happiness absorb, one day less you’ll find
But let the time fly, don’t let the clock know
Your fears, your dreams unfulfilled, lost by death
Think of joy, glee, your memories will glow
As you breath your final breath
Life is for living, in the moment, the day
Don’t let the clock take your joy away
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,343 Literary Works • 674,360 Reviews
What a great line to start with "ends wait from the beginning of days" That's just genius. I do not see any problem with you work content wise at all. I love the positive vibe running through this, I just love feel good poetry. The vivid imagination that you have adds to the beauty of this. GOOD work. Cheers
Hi Funkymomo,
First off, I really like the idea you have written about. I really like the beginning because you have nice contradictions in there, like ends and beginning, rest and tired, moment before and death. It started off really good, and I liked the idea of contradictions so I was drawn in straight away. And overall it was a good poem.
I think you need to work on punctuation here. There are no full stops. As ScarlettFire already said, if you read it through and find where you pause, that'll even be a comma or a full stop. It'll help the overall rhythm and appearance of the poem.
In the third last line you put", as you breath (you need an 'e' at the end of this one, to make it breathe.) you final breath'. I liked the last two lines because they delivered the meaning of why this poem is unique and important.
A pretty good poem that has a lot of potential. Just needs a little bit more editing.
Deanie x
Hi there, Funkymomo! My name is Scarlett and I'll be reviewing your poetry this evening. ^^
First off, interesting concept. But I'm not feeling the flow here. It sounds and feel awkward when read out loud. I suggest you read it out loud and see what needs fixing and then fiddle with it until it sounds good. Also, the lack of punctuation is distracting. I can't seem to find your pauses and I'm not sure if this is all one stanza or several. Perhaps you could fix that so it shows? The way you set out a poem is just as important as the poem itself. If it doesn't read well, then you'll loose your reader's interest pretty fast.
And that's it. I don't have anything more to say. It is good, but it's not the best, and with a few little fiddles, it'll be really good, I hope. I'd like to see you take this and develop it, give it more. It's missing something, and I'd like to see that if you revise this. And don't forget to let me know if you rewrite this! ^^ Despite this, I do like it so far, and that's a good thing. I'll be sure to come back and read it again! This is an interesting little poem. Thanks for the poetry! I hope this review helps, somehow. ^^
Remember; keep it up and never stop writing!
~Scar. <3
This is really good--I especially like the subject matter and the way you explore it. The only two things I can see are that you need more punctuation, and the word "Leafs" in line 5 should be "Leaves". For the punctuation--you need periods at the end of your sentences (the end of line 4, the end of line 8, the end of line twelve, and the end of line 14), which would help the reader to better keep track of what's going on; it's a little confusing without them. You also need two semi-colons, at the end of lines 5, 10, and 13, and a comma at the end of line 3.
The poem itself, though, is great--excellent job, and keep up the good work!