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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Nice. This was honest, powerful, and carried itself through to the end in a logical pattern.
There are a few things that need to be changed, I think, though, and the first one is mentioning Abi like we know who she is. We don't, so she's just a name, and I know that to YOU she's not a name and that to YOU just saying that name brings out a lot of emotion in you, but to us we have no free emotion with her, okay? Which means that if you want us to feel the stress with you, you've got to give us something of her, so we can feel what it would mean to lose her, and get right in the game with you.
i would also like to see the last two lines set apart with a line break, because the sudden cussing really makes a different tone from everything else, and getting it away from the kind of forlorn list that you'd been making before would make the sudden change even stronger.
okay, and i also think that when you do go in to edit around Abi, you'll be able to get rid of the most awkward phrase in the work: "lonely prone". i know we can say "prone to be lonely", and that sometimes when we're trying to rhyme, we want to rework things and try to give them similar meanings, but it's just forced.
that's what you have to watch out for while you edit, too. most of these rhymes are pretty easy, and they seem mostly natural, but rhyming poetry's really difficult to do well because if you give your focus to trying to rhyme, you forget what message you set out to say in the first place. and if you make a forced rhyme, people notice and get really distracted from your poem rather than getting lost in the reality of it, which means it doesn't have a strong effect. what you want is that effect, so don't lose it.
anyway, keep writing, keep practicing.
do what you can, and experiment with free verse.
let me know if you have any questions.
good luck!
this was a freestyle i did a while back and none of it felt forced at the time and just thought i'd say it's a rap not a poem.
Fullmetal13! Hi. Welcome to YWS.
I'm here to give my honest opinion. So, there, I warned you. Naaah. I'm not that harsh. But honestly, at first I was like, "Meh. Another teenage rant. *rolls eyes and yawns* I should probably tell this user this looks like a diary." But... No. I changed my mind because I kept writing. And I mean it. You, my friend, are a great poet. You made it sound like magic and that is something I, as a reader and writer, appreciate a lot. Rhyming; I don't do that to my poems, because I find myself limited. But you, my man, are a rhyme-genius! And I love what you've done.
If I'd have to give you a suggestion, I'd tell you to make the first two lines more catchy. As in, change it and mend it until you make someone's indifference become curiosity. Making the beginning catchy is always important... Because it's like the "Welcome" carpet at your house; if it's not clean, your guest most likely will be like, "Uhh...".
Second, suggestion! Make stanzas. Don't worry, there are no charges for clicking the "enter" key. (Yeah. I think I'm funny!! xD)
Here! I'll show you how I'd organize it.
Great job! Keep writing<3
~Solly<3
Also, I forgot to tell you. The reason why it is good to make stanzas is the first impression does matter. xD If you write it all together, it could happen, that the lazy readers will just look at it, not read it and forget about it. And that would be a shame because this is a great piece.
by the way, Abi is my cousin.