Published July 30, 2012
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141,619 Literary Works • 675,173 Reviews
Hi. This is good. Stanza would help it be easier to read and it would look neater. Also capitalization and grammar could use some fixing up.
"But you be miles away"
This would be better as
"but you ARE miles away."
Puncuation would also help, but its all writers choice.
"I'm pissed our hearts were connectin"
Do you mean connected?
lol its partially a rap
This was OK, but it's lacking anything unique. It sounds kind of angsty and typical, and I feel as though this is largely due to your rhyme scheme. It's important to make poetry original, but it's also difficult; make sure that when you write, you find a new angle to approach it. Grammatically, it would've been nice to see this put into stanzas.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
haha wrote this in two in the morning. it was copy and pasted so the stanzas were removed for some reasons but thanks for the input