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Young Writers Society


16+ Language Mature Content

Josie, Stargazing in the Trees - Cr. 01.1

by FruityBickel


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.

"Josie!"

Jim listened to his voice reverberate through the bare branches, but the snow quickly swallowed any chance of his call going far, the name dying down quickly and the forest once again settling into an eerie silence. Jim realized he was holding his breath and forced himself to exhale, blinking as calmly as he could make himself before pointing his flashlight into the gathering darkness of the woods.

"Josie!" He tried again, and was met once more with intangible resistance, the October air thick and frigidly stifling, his breath curling like steam in the rays of his Maglite. He couldn't fight off a shiver - even in the summer, Astorian Acres was creepy, at best, and dangerous, at worst. Add a solid layer of snow, a blanket of iciness and cold, a deadened quiet and the stench of decaying corpses - animal, hopefully - and he regretted that Anne ever let Josie stay out here at all growing up. Josie was old enough now that he couldn't break that habit - she was recently eighteen, and knew it, taking full advantage of her newfound extents of freedom every chance she could. And she loved the woods, the beasts inside, the stars above, her treehouse, her home. Always leaving him to play fetch, to retrieve, and hopefully to never rescue. He found himself holding his breath again and pushed the last one out of his mind, preparing his throat again as he took a step forward, the snow crunching under his Timberlands as he began his trek into the trees.

"Josie!"

--

Josie let out a soft grunt as she straightened, her back popping with a sharp cracking noise as she stood to her full height and made a mark in her notebook. Mars and Saturn were both visible tonight, and a few constellations were easy to make out, but nothing ethereal. Nothing of importance. Sky Cat eluded her still, and with a heavy sigh, she collapsed into the lime green bean bag on the treehouse floor.

Her skin itched from the inside out, burning underneath the down-stuffed coat her dad made her wear this time of year, the wind drifting in through the slats of the treehouse walls stinging her cheeks, making her eyes water. She forced them to stay open, resolutely staring at the treehouse’s ceiling, at the indigo-velvet sky visible between the roof boards. Her dad insisted that avoiding frostbite and hypothermia was more important than the sensory issues the coat gave her. And so she laid there, staring at the ceiling, thinking to Sky Cat, and wondering why it had to be a choice - why she was chosen to suffer with making that choice.If her father knew, he would scold her for this thinking. As a matter of fact, she could almost hear him, shouting her name, the slight tilt to the ‘o’ as he always had, echoing through the trees. She could even swear it was getting louder…

“Josie!”

Right outside the drop door. Josie bolted upright, springing to her feet almost instantly and appearing over the drop door’s open cover. Her father, all six feet of him, dark beard, thick head of hair, looked up at her with his hazel eyes full of relief. She wondered why he was always surprised to find her here, where she always was, as if he expected her to be anywhere else.

“It’s too cold to stargaze tonight,” he said, sounding breathless, and she knew he had run to the treehouse, racing the setting sun even as she reveled in it. “There’s a nice big fire at home, and you could start that new book.”

She looked away from him to glance through the treehouse window, to the sky. She ignored the way he sighed, keeping her eyes on the stars.

“Tonight could be the night.”

Another sigh, heavier. “You say that every night.”

Josie refused to waiver. “I have to be here.”

Jim frowned, face becoming stonier as he did so, cut and split by shadows falling from the treehouse, backlit by the bright, three-quarters-full moon. “It’s too cold to stay out here, Josie. I know you’re an adult now, you can do what you want, but I really would like for you to come home. Please.”

Josie met his gaze evenly, surveyed his knitted eyebrows, his silent, pleading eyes shining in the moonlight. She chewed her lip, then sighed softly, nodding as she began to descend through the drop door. Jim exhaled in relief, stepping back to make room for her as she came down the ladder, jumping the last five feet and landing solidly in the snow. He handed her a second Maglite.

“You know it’s coyote season,” he said, his voice returning to its usual gruffness as they started down the worn path back towards the house. “You know how many coyote attacks I deal with at work.”

“And you know I’m careful,” she replied, keeping the beam of her flashlight trained ahead of her as she took sure, solid steps through the snow, not meeting his gaze. “I know how to deal with the woods, Dad.”

“Well, it’s not always the animals you have to w - “

“I know, Dad,” Josie rolled her eyes, even in the dark, as the edge of the forest came into view, the streetlights of the street beyond in the distance. Jim sighed under his breath, lit a cigarette, and Josie practically heard him grind his teeth when she did the same. She drew her coat closer around her as they finally stepped out of the forest, their breaths forming in vaporous clouds in the cold air, as they approached the road and began to cross it.

That put them at the sidewalk in front of their house. Josie lingered at the foot of the driveway, puffing on her cigarette; ignoring the way she could feel her father looking her over. He wanted to ask her questions, the unspoken words hanging in the midnight air between them. She looked up at the stars as he dropped his cigarette butt to the ground, driving it into the gravel with the heel of his boot.

“Love you,” he muttered, opening the screen door and disappearing into the house. When his retreating back disappeared behind the closing wooden door, Josie allowed herself to sigh, to curse under her breath and flick her ashes. 

One of these nights, she was going to find proof of Sky Cat. She was going to make everything right.

Mimicking her father, she ground her cigarette butt into the ground with her boot and then quietly made her way inside.


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Sun May 23, 2021 5:00 pm
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi FruityBickel,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

You have written a very exciting and thrilling story. I think the chapter is great presented. There is something quite realistic about what you present. Your eye for detail in particular is a big plus for the chapter and I think and hope you will showcase that in the chapters to come.
I like the interaction between Josie and her father, and how you manage to build a really strong and carefully developed bond with minimal dialogue. As one freezes along with the story by means of your descriptions, one feels the brief warmth that the father wants to give Josie.

Some points that struck me while reading:

He tried again, and was met once more with intangible resistance, the October air thick and frigidly stifling, his breath curling like steam in the rays of his Maglite.


I would separate the sentence between "intangible resistance" and "the October air". This would require a little rewording of the second sentence, but I think it would be clearer and more readable than the current sentence.

Add a solid layer of snow, a blanket of iciness and cold, a deadened quiet and the stench of decaying corpses - animal, hopefully - and he regretted that Anne ever let Josie stay out here at all growing up.


I like your brief interjection of sarcasm at this point and it also fits perfectly into the story. The way you've described it so far, you really have to hope it's animal carcasses decomposing everywhere. You build up an incredibly great atmosphere, which is enhanced by your great narration. It feels real when one reads it and through your descriptions one can perfectly lose oneself as a reader in the world you present.

and he regretted that Anne ever let Josie stay out here at all growing up. Josie was old enough now that he couldn't break that habit.


By inserting Anne, another character, I found it a little irritating that in the next sentence there is a "he" that can be equated with "Jim" without reference two sentences before. I would replace the "he" with "Jim", otherwise there might be a short pause for other readers to think about who this "he" is.

And she loved the woods, the beasts inside, the stars above, her treehouse, her home.


You create a great list here, but because of a missing "and" at the end, it seems to me as if the list could be continued. If this were the case, you would have to turn the full stop into a ....

Josie let out a soft grunt as she straightened, her back popping with a sharp cracking noise as she stood to her full height and made a mark in her notebook. Mars and Saturn were both visible tonight, and a few constellations were easy to make out, but nothing ethereal. Nothing of importance. Sky Cat eluded her still, and with a heavy sigh, she collapsed into the lime green bean bag on the treehouse floor.


I'm taking this section out because I really like it and I want to use it as an example for your presentation. You combine different sentence structures to create a vivid reading experience and combine subconscious elements that can be interpreted as waves of Josie's emotions through your descriptions.

I really liked the chapter. It has something special and yet strange about it. I like that your style is shown at such a slow pace, which is wonderful for a first chapter to settle into the world. As written before, I like all the details you include. I also like at the end how Josie imitates her father with the cigarette and how you bring the chapter to an end like that. You're also building up to a very interesting plot and I'm already wondering what / who this Sky Cat is.

I noticed you described her father a bit, which was enough for the moment he was introduced under the tree house. I think you could have described me in more detail; maybe later when they are both smoking the cigarette outside. I am also still missing a description of Josie, where I think when she is lying in the tree house would have been well inserted. But should that come in the next chapter or chapters to come, my criticism here is of course irrelevant.

In summary, I had the impression that you wrote a really good first chapter that makes the reader curious for more.

Have fun with the writing!

Mailice.




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Wed May 19, 2021 4:35 am
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SoullessGinger wrote a review...



Hello! SoullessGinger here with a review!

My very first impression: you are so amazing at writing imagery, and creating your scenes in the reader's mind. This section is the perfect example:

"Josie!" He tried again, and was met once more with intangible resistance, the October air thick and frigidly stifling, his breath curling like steam in the rays of his Maglite.


I love the way you illustrate this freezing, almost ominous night (ominous at least for Jim, familiar and safe for Josie, lol). I also really appreciate how the relationship between them is built; yes, we know they're father and daughter, but we get a glimpse at the more complex tensions and familiarities in their relationship as well.

And BOY am I intrigued by this little tidbit:
One of these nights, she was going to find proof of Sky Cat. She was going to make everything right.


I'm so curious as to what she's going to make right. And the mysterious and apparently elusive Sky Cat...

Overall, very intriguing and engaging chapter. I look forward to reading some more!





What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.
— Albert Pines