Hi FruityBickel,
Mailice here with a short review!
You have written a very exciting and thrilling story. I think the chapter is great presented. There is something quite realistic about what you present. Your eye for detail in particular is a big plus for the chapter and I think and hope you will showcase that in the chapters to come.
I like the interaction between Josie and her father, and how you manage to build a really strong and carefully developed bond with minimal dialogue. As one freezes along with the story by means of your descriptions, one feels the brief warmth that the father wants to give Josie.
Some points that struck me while reading:
He tried again, and was met once more with intangible resistance, the October air thick and frigidly stifling, his breath curling like steam in the rays of his Maglite.
I would separate the sentence between "intangible resistance" and "the October air". This would require a little rewording of the second sentence, but I think it would be clearer and more readable than the current sentence.
Add a solid layer of snow, a blanket of iciness and cold, a deadened quiet and the stench of decaying corpses - animal, hopefully - and he regretted that Anne ever let Josie stay out here at all growing up.
I like your brief interjection of sarcasm at this point and it also fits perfectly into the story. The way you've described it so far, you really have to hope it's animal carcasses decomposing everywhere. You build up an incredibly great atmosphere, which is enhanced by your great narration. It feels real when one reads it and through your descriptions one can perfectly lose oneself as a reader in the world you present.
and he regretted that Anne ever let Josie stay out here at all growing up. Josie was old enough now that he couldn't break that habit.
By inserting Anne, another character, I found it a little irritating that in the next sentence there is a "he" that can be equated with "Jim" without reference two sentences before. I would replace the "he" with "Jim", otherwise there might be a short pause for other readers to think about who this "he" is.
And she loved the woods, the beasts inside, the stars above, her treehouse, her home.
You create a great list here, but because of a missing "and" at the end, it seems to me as if the list could be continued. If this were the case, you would have to turn the full stop into a ....
Josie let out a soft grunt as she straightened, her back popping with a sharp cracking noise as she stood to her full height and made a mark in her notebook. Mars and Saturn were both visible tonight, and a few constellations were easy to make out, but nothing ethereal. Nothing of importance. Sky Cat eluded her still, and with a heavy sigh, she collapsed into the lime green bean bag on the treehouse floor.
I'm taking this section out because I really like it and I want to use it as an example for your presentation. You combine different sentence structures to create a vivid reading experience and combine subconscious elements that can be interpreted as waves of Josie's emotions through your descriptions.
I really liked the chapter. It has something special and yet strange about it. I like that your style is shown at such a slow pace, which is wonderful for a first chapter to settle into the world. As written before, I like all the details you include. I also like at the end how Josie imitates her father with the cigarette and how you bring the chapter to an end like that. You're also building up to a very interesting plot and I'm already wondering what / who this Sky Cat is.
I noticed you described her father a bit, which was enough for the moment he was introduced under the tree house. I think you could have described me in more detail; maybe later when they are both smoking the cigarette outside. I am also still missing a description of Josie, where I think when she is lying in the tree house would have been well inserted. But should that come in the next chapter or chapters to come, my criticism here is of course irrelevant.
In summary, I had the impression that you wrote a really good first chapter that makes the reader curious for more.
Have fun with the writing!
Mailice.
Points: 0
Reviews: 1232
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