I find myself looking back,
questioning, reflecting on what had happened.
I close my eyes and delve into past memories
losing myself to who I once was.
Slowly, but surely they open,
the doors of my past.
I need to know,
has anything changed?
I stand beside myself,
and notice a difference right away.
I'm older, taller, and stronger now,
but that is not all I see.
People walk past, paying me no heed.
They pass my old self as well,
not even noticing he is there.
I sat as a shadow to the world.
The me of before begins to cry
and holds out his hand calling for help.
No one can hear him,
no one seems to care.
We watch as kids play,
parents mingle about the day,
and how all there faces speak of happiness.
I ask why mine was the only face of sadness.
My life of old,
the pain I was put through,
and the loneliness I felt.
How much has changed?
I open my eyes to reality
and take in a breath of fresh air.
Looking out I examine,
How much has really changed?
The children still play,
the parents, as careless as always,
and I still see happiness upon everyone else's face.
The world has not changed, I'm still alone.
I see no one standing beside me,
I continue to watch others pass,
and still I weep silently.
Standing back from the world I continue to cry.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Hi.
This progresses nicely and I like the idea of the mirror. I also think the play of the children contrasts well with the stillness of the speaker.
My main criticism of this is that a lot of it is internal. For a lot of the poem, the character is looking inward without connecting herself to anyone or anything outside of herself. I'd try narrating "what has happened" and then connecting that to the speaker's inner life; tell a story rather than making it like a journal entry.
Hope this helps.
Jas
That was a beautiful narrative poem. I could really feel the desperation and confusion that comes from retreating into yourself (if that's what you were portraying). I like how you made it sound like the narrator was a ghost. Maybe you should build on that and use a metaphor. Explain how the narrator's close family and friends treat them, and maybe there's no safe haven anymore. Something of the sort.
Wow. Deja v'u...
"My" should probable be changed to "my face" or "mine"; it will fit better.I've felt like this once. This time last year, I felt the same way, and I feel that your poem demonstrates and defines that feeling of being lost and helpless very well.
The vocabulary, metaphors, and exaggerations are well used. Excellent.
The only problem is in line 23, where you have a pronoun misuse.
I'm going to star this one. And I look forward to seeing more of your works!