first love (part one)

Chapter 1

It had been about a month since Lucas's freshman year in Highschool started when he first started getting distracted by Evelyn in class. Maybe it was because she had lived next door his entire life, or maybe it was because her parents and his parents had been friends since college, but Lucas couldn’t think of a single childhood memory where she wasn’t there. They were, as Forrest Gump would say, “like peas and carrots.” They walked to school together, they went to class together, they sat near each other, ate lunch together, waited for each other's clubs to finish, they walked home together, they texted each other at night, they hung out on the weekends. However, something about Highschool made Luke look at Evelyn differently.

At first, it was just little glances towards her general area during class or he would think about her wavy brown hair a little more than usual, but by September, he would find himself completely focusing on her like she was the only thing to focus on. He noticed when she smiled, the way she would shake her right leg when she was trying to think of an answer to a question, ...other things.

Though that may have just been his tendency to hyperfixate on things and not necessarily him being interested in her, or that’s what he told himself so that he didn’t have to deal with the repercussions of first love. After all, he had seen what unrequited love could do to a person. In seventh grade, there was a boy that Evelyn had told she liked and the boy rejected her. I took her two months before she could be closer than ten feet from him without crying. Additionally, she hadn’t hung out with Lucas for a whole week after her rejection. He knew that he didn’t even want to risk feeling pain like that, especially considering his only friend would be the person who hurt him. Sure there were people in the book club who he thought were nice and all, but as far as friends went, he only had Evelyn.

Evelyn had always listened to him, even when he was talking too much. Unlike Mom or Dad or anybody else, Evelyn always listened. She may not have always known what Lucas was talking about, but she would always listen intently to whatever he had decided he wanted to ramble on about. So, out of courtesy, he listened to her talk too. She mostly talked about volleyball or tv shows she was watching, but that didn’t bother him, he could lower the complexity of his conversations every once and a while if it was for his friend.

“Hey, Lucas,” the teacher said, making Luke lose his train of thought “name three parts of an animal cell.” Luke looked at his teacher with a blank expression. “Come on Luke, we just went over this.”

“Oh Sorry,” he said, still thinking about the right answer while fidgeting with his pen, “I was just processing what you said.” Luke struggled for a second, and then he remembered 7th grade, when he had taken notes for Evelyn in science, because she couldn’t stop crying. “Um, the mitochondriac-”he blushed a little out of embarrassment “ sorry, the mitochondria, the nucleus, and the cell wall.”

“Good answer” the teacher said quickly and then she moved on to teaching the class again. What was he thinking about? Oh yes, that's right, Evelyn, and how he didn’t have a crush on her or her beautiful brown eyes or her pretty smile, or her wavy brown hair or her che-. He caught himself. No, you can’t be thinking like that, you’ll only become more awkward than you already are.

…

It had been about three hours since their last class together, (not that he was keeping track or anything) and she had about 15 minutes of volleyball practice until she was ready to go. He watched as she set the ball perfectly to the spikers. He knew how hard that was, he had watched haikyuu!!.

As they walked home, they began speaking to each other.

“Hey, you seemed a little out of it today, has something got you distracted?” she asked.

“You,” a tiny voice in his head said.

“no. nope. nothing in particular.” he said, obviously distracted

“Are you sure?” he nodded “you know you can tell me anything, right?”

“I don’t really think I can tell you about this one.” he said right before immediately regretting it

“Oh? You can’t tell me? Is it about a girl?” Evelyn said teasingly. His face went red with embarrassment. “Wait, really? Who is it? Tell me!”“No” he said quietly

“Come on, please!”

“No, you are too close to the person for me to be able to tell you.”

“Hmmm, ok” she said suspiciously.

…

After arriving home and eating dinner, Lucas went straight to his room. Upon entering his room and sitting down, he spaced out. I wonder if I could eat a bee without being stung. In theory I could, but there are multiple complications like is the bee moving or is it dead. I wonder what Evelyn’s doing. Doesn’t she take a shower at about this time? Lucas’s mind went to places it shouldn’t for a couple of minutes before he got distracted by another thought which led him to be distracted by another thought and all of a sudden it was 11 pm and the lights were somehow turned off. He texted Evelyn goodnight before promptly falling right to sleep.

hi, so this is my first time ever writing fiction that recreationally, so if it is sub par, assume it is due to lack of experience -ISF

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Fri Jun 25, 2021 8:26 am

MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...

Hi Froggy,

Mailice here with a short review!

Belated welcome here on YWS!

Let's start with your story. I found it very refreshing and intriguing. I like love stories, especially when they go more in a certain direction. What I found exciting about you was the way you managed the introduction, giving the reader all the information they need to follow the story.

I liked the way you went about repeating yourself in places and using different methods to show the reader that someone is in love. I also liked that you managed not to start with an awkward scene or insert where Lucas gets lost or something, but you stay on the straight path.

Overall, though, the story was still a bit in a building phase. There were some parts that technically need to be developed a bit more, while other parts are read over again because of minor mistakes. You can do that by writing and reading more, for example. This way you learn to develop more of a structure and find some mistakes all by yourself or even passages that need to be rewritten a bit.

In summary, it was nevertheless a great first chapter and I'm curious to see how the plot will continue.

Some points I noticed while reading:

It had been about a month since Lucas's freshman year in high school started when he first started getting distracted by Evelyn in class.

Your first sentence is like a person's appearance; you don't want to judge because of a superficiality, but you do it subconsciously anyway. You create a repetition here with the first sentence, which you paraphrase best. (two times "started"). For example, you could create two sentences like this: "It had been about a month since Lucas's freshman year in high school started. It was the same time he got distracted by Evelyn in class."

They were, as Forrest Gump would say, "like peas and carrots." They walked to school together, they went to class together, they sat near each other, ate lunch together, waited for each other's clubs to finish, they walked home together, they texted each other at night, they hung out on the weekends.

First of all, a great connection you make with a film. Your next sentence has a great structure, but I would try to put the repetition here ("together") in every part of the sentence. This helps to intensify what you were trying to do. If a different structure appears in between, it doesn't seem so great.

I took her two months before she could be closer than ten feet from him without crying

I don't know what exactly you wanted to say here. I think you meant to write "It took him" but I'm not sure here.

Evelyn had always listened to him, even when he was talking too much. Unlike Mom or Dad or anybody else, Evelyn always listened.

This whole section has a repetition (listen / listened) but it seems unprofessional here because to me it seems like you're always saying the same thing. That is of course true with repetition, but in this section it reads as if you have put obstacles in your way. You could have put some examples in here to make the paragraph flow more.

"Hey, Lucas," the teacher said, making Luke lose his train of thought "name three parts of an animal cell." Luke looked at his teacher with a blank expression. "Come on Luke, we just went over this."

You used the name Luke earlier and I think it would help better if you added that Lucas is called Luke by some. I thought here at the beginning that it was a different person.

No, you can't be thinking like that, you'll only become more awkward than you already are.

You create Lucas' thought processes from the second half on, I think that's good. But I would write them separately in a new line or emphasise them with italics.

As they walked home, they began speaking to each other.

The beginning here seems a bit simple and you could certainly expand it a bit.

"No. Nope. Nothing in particular." he said, obviously distracted.
"Are you sure?" he nodded "you know you can tell me anything, right?"
"I don't really think I can tell you about this one." he said right before immediately regretting it
"Oh? You can't tell me? Is it about a girl?" Evelyn said teasingly. His face went red with embarrassment. "Wait, really? Who is it? Tell me!" "No" he said quietly
"Come on, please!"
"No, you are too close to the person for me to be able to tell you."
"Hmmm, ok" she said suspiciously.

This whole section has some punctuation errors. (Missing full stops, different capitalisation), etc... I'd read over it again.

Have fun writing!

Mailice

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Thu Jun 24, 2021 3:34 am

MayCupcake wrote a review...

Hey, Froggy!
Here's a review for you today! This is a little different because I decided to give you a full edit. I like the direction that this story is going and I do hope that you decide to translate it into a longer form! Anyways, here it is down below. I mainly focused on grammar and structure in order to help your writing flow, since the story telling is well done. Everything I added/replaced is within parenthesis throughout.

Chapter 1
(A)bout a month (had passed) since Lucas's freshman year in (h)ighschool started (before) he first (began) getting distracted by Evelyn in class. (Perhaps) it was because she had lived next door his entire life, or maybe because (both their) parents had been friends since college(.) Lucas couldn’t think of a single childhood memory where she wasn’t there. They were, as Forrest Gump would say, “like peas and carrots.” They walked to school together, went to class together, sat (together), ate lunch together, and walked home together. They even waited for each other's clubs to finish, texted each other at night, and hung out with each other on the weekends. However, something about Highschool made Luke look at Evelyn differently.
At first, (he would glance slightly) towards her general area during class or (had thoughts) about her wavy brown hair a little more than usual. By September, he (found) himself completely focusing on her like she was the only (person in the world). He noticed when she smiled, the way she would shake her right leg when she was trying to think of an answer to a question, and… other things.
(Lucas) may (just) have (a) tendency to hyperfixate on things and not necessarily (be) interested in her, or that’s what he told himself(.) (H)e didn’t (want) to deal with the repercussions of first love. After all, he had seen what unrequited love could do to a person. In seventh grade, Evelyn (confessed to the boy she liked and was unfortunately rejected). (She didn’t hang out with Lucas for a whole week afterwards and i)t took her two months before she could be (within) ten feet (of her crush) without crying.
He knew that he didn’t even want to risk feeling pain like that (of Evelyn’s), especially considering his only friend would be the person (to) hurt him. Sure, there were people in the book club who he thought were nice and all, but as far as friends went, he only had Evelyn.
Evelyn had always listened to him, even when he was talking too much. Unlike Mom(,) Dad or anybody else, Evelyn always listened. She may not have always known what Lucas was talking about, but she would (still) listen intently to whatever he decided to ramble on about. (O)ut of courtesy, he listened to her too. She mostly talked about volleyball or (her favorite TV) shows, but that didn’t bother him(. H)e could lower the complexity of his conversations every once and a while if it was for his friend.
“Hey, Lucas,” the teacher said, making Luke lose his train of thought(,) “name three parts of an animal cell.” (Expecting an answer, she gestured towards him.) Luke looked at his teacher with a blank expression. “Come on Luke, we just went over this.”
“Oh(,) Sorry,” he said, still thinking about the right answer while fidgeting with his pen, “I (had to) process what you (just) said.” Luke struggled for a second (before) he remembered (seventh) grade(. H)e had taken notes for Evelyn in science because she couldn’t stop crying. “Um, the mitochondriac-” he blushed a little out of embarrassment(.) “(S)orry, the mitochondria, the nucleus, and the cell wall.”
“Good answer(.)” (T)he teacher said quickly(.) She moved on to teaching the class again.
What was (Lucas) thinking about? Oh(,) right(.) Evelyn(, of course,) and how he didn’t have a crush on her(,) her beautiful brown eyes(,) her pretty smile, her wavy brown hair(,) or her che-. He caught himself. No, you can’t be thinking like that, you’ll only become more awkward than you already are.
…
(T)hree hours (flew by) since their last class together, (not that he was keeping track or anything). (Evelyn) had about (fifteen) minutes of volleyball practice until she was ready to go. He watched as she set the ball perfectly to the spikers. He knew how hard that was, he had watched haikyuu!!
As they walked home, (a conversation between them) began.
“Hey, you seemed a little out of it today. (What’s gotten you so distracted)?” she asked.
(You.) A tiny voice in Luke’s head (replied).
“(N)o. (N)ope. (N)othing in particular.” (H)e (choked), obviously distracted(.)
“Are you sure?” Evelyn inquired. (H)e nodded (as she continued,) “you know you can tell me anything, right?”
“I don’t really think I can tell you about this one.” he said(,) immediately regretting (the decision.)
“Oh? You can’t tell me? Is it about a girl?” Evelyn said teasingly. His face went red with embarrassment. “Wait, really? Who is it? Tell me!”
“No.” he said quietly.
“Come on, please!”
“No, I really can’t tell you (since you know them).”
“Hmmm, ok.” she (squinted) suspiciously.
…
After arriving home and eating dinner, Lucas went straight to his room. Upon entering and sitting down, he spaced out. I wonder if I could eat a bee without being stung. In theory I could, but there are multiple complications like: is the bee moving or is it dead? I wonder what Evelyn’s doing. Doesn’t she take a shower at (around) this time? Lucas’s mind went to places it shouldn’t for a couple of minutes before he got distracted by another thought. (He was led) to be distracted by another thought (when) all of a sudden (eleven o’clock struck) and the lights were (now) off. He texted Evelyn (“)goodnight(“ and then) promptly (fell) right to sleep.

I enjoyed reading! Take what you will from this and keep on writing!

Froggy says...

Thank you, these edits are really good, and I can definitely see how that would make it flow better without losing my own personal rhetoric. I will definitely use some of these edits when I post the revised version with the second chapter.

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Reviews: 218

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Thu Jun 24, 2021 12:41 am

creaturefeature wrote a review...

Hi Froggy! Welcome to YWS!

I always start my reviews by talking about the title, so let's look at that. High school is weird and you start to learn things about yourself that are rather awkward, so falling in love and having it be healthy would be hard to manage. I've seen a few high school relationships thrive, but most of them don't really make it anywhere because of the novelty of finally being considered old enough to do more grown up stuff wears off.

Now, let's get into the story part of this~

Maybe it was because she had lived next door his entire life, or maybe it was because her parents and his parents had been friends since college, but Lucas couldn’t think of a single childhood memory where she wasn’t there.

Ah yes, childhood friends become lovers. It's really lovely, don't you think? It's lovely, but it's also a big plot convenience for an actual start of the pining to occur, which can muddle the following story lines because of how rushed it is. The best way to write this would be to introduce the friend as a friend, not with these undertones of uncomfortable crush because then you have many opportunities and a calmer environment.

I could go on more about how much I dislike the friends to lovers trope and how it fights realism, but I think you'll get my general point. Also, it's so much better than an enemies to lovers storyline because I'm starting to dislike how many times I've seen that in romance stories, so haha I can't say much bad about this version.

In seventh grade, there was a boy that Evelyn had told she liked and the boy rejected her. I took her two months before she could be closer than ten feet from him without crying.

Oh to be young and confused. I think it's a generally accepted truth that seventh graders do stupid things and overreact when they go wrong, so it's a nice bit of personality that's been added to one of the more important figures here. It creates a scene in the readers head, it's not too much of a flashback to me, and it creates a sense of relatability to all of the characters mentioned, even the boy who rejected her.

That isn't unrequited love though. It's a childhood crush. It's a small thing that someone will forget before they are even an adult, or if they do remember it, they will find it funny and laugh at their younger self. There is a big difference between those two things, and at the age that Lucas is in the story, I think he should realize that.

“Hey, Lucas,” the teacher said, making Luke lose his train of thought “name three parts of an animal cell.”

This is not high school knowledge. This is something they teach kids in fifth grade when they start to learn basic biology and plants vs. animals. Most high schools do not go full out in their teaching like it's a medical field, but most of them cover chemistry, biology but marketed for older teens and tweens, and then they usually end on a class focusing on the basics or almost intermediate studies of physics.

Also, they tell people on their first days of high school science to forget everything they learned in middle school because it oversimplified and rushed to the point it might not even be correct, or at least that's what happened for me in a European country with other kinds of school rules. Keep that in mind if you consider writing more class scenes though because it could end up being somewhat helpful to you there.

Good work! I liked reading this a lot.

Cheers!

Froggy says...

thanks for the feedback

Froggy says...

oh, and I wanted to say, I can remember being taught about all the specific parts of the cell in my freshman year biology class, but maybe the curriculum was a little differently. Additionally, I had wanted to introduce Evelyn just as a friend initially, but im awfully impatient, so I just ended up starting a month in to the the awkward crush, and I know that's a less than optimal decision for the world building and character development (because everyone acts differently when they are in love) but my thirst to publish something lead me to skip that.

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Thu Jun 24, 2021 12:15 am

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Froggy says...

so, I know this says short story, but I plan on posting it as a novel along with chapter two, so bear with me until I decide to have the motivation to write chapter two.

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