Published December 17, 2010
First post on here... I am very nervous. Interested in any feedback! Thanx!
She drips down like a candle,
Hot with thoughts she can't handle.
She's with her crayons but she's nobody's box.
She's sat in everybody's chairs,
A modern day Goldilocks.
She doesn't mean to be so wavy.
She just can't get her shit together,
While every man can't toss or forget her.
She's blind like me, with thighs like wine.
She truly loves all her lovers.
Underneath and above the covers.
She's the Comforter Queen;
The finest disease.
She'll wine and dine you with the muck of your dreams.
Dolls hold more secrets then she.
Tumbleweed mouth, piano key toes, the pyramid, the essence of home.
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140,907 Literary Works • 673,718 Reviews
I appreciate all the positive feedback, as well as your suggestions. It means so much to me! I'm still kind of nervous I've been writing for as long as I can remember but I've never let anyone read anything so this is so cool to me! THANK YOU THANK YOU!
Hi FritzPearly,
This is, in my opinion, the best kind of poetry. It's like a slideshow of seemingly unrelated images, a sushi bar of thought. Ha, ha.
Thoughts/opinions:
The first image is... sultry, evocative.
I'd love to know what you mean by that?
I really like the analogy to Goldilocks. It says so much without many words. From a critical sense, my impulse while reading was to replace "everybody" with "everyone" to reduce the number of syllables.
I haphazard to guess you meant "no man can toss or forget her," but I'm really not sure. Again, my impulse was to read it, "No man can seem to toss or forget her."
I love this line! It suggests color, taste, and texture all at once.
I like this line. It's like the moral at the end of the story; it applies relevance to everything that came before and ties the whole thing together.
And I enjoyed the ending. It's sensory, domestic, and exotic without breaking stride. I'd love to read more!
Sincerely,
RaeSuz
This is a great poem! I like the phrases you used. Don't be nervous about your works, their really good!
I agree, don't be nervous because I personally think that all that matters is you loving your work.
I have to say that I really liked your work and I had to read it a few times before I understood some parts, which is what I like about poems: finding different meanings to them.
Keep them coming!
Don't be nervous! You'll get the hang of it!
I'll have to try writing while in the tub to! I don't know how well it'd turn out tho! I think you wrote this very well, and it definitely makes the readers think!
Wow i really liked this. I especially like the line
"She's sat in everybody's chairs,
A modern day Goldilocks."
I really like the layout of this and adore the line
"She truly loves all her lovers."
Ugh, I really enjoyed reading this, thank you for writing it.
Amy.