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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi there!
To me, this seemed like a fragment you were thinking of expanding but didn't. It seemed pretty obvious this sort of thing would come, but then, it never went there. I'm not sure it served much purpose.First off, welcome to YWS! I'm Azalea and I'd be happy to answer any questions you might have.
Now, onto the story.
It was a great read. Simply put, I was hooked into the story, and you did a wonderful job of it. Of course, writers always look for improvement and just a couple of quick comments:
1.This plot/story line wasn't entirely new. But it wasn't a cliched portrayal which is good. The way you handled it was good.
2.When you started I was ecstatic at having characters name Bismuth and Cobalt! The geek in me was having fun. However, as the story progressed, it seemed like you named them so without any further thought than having sci-fi-ish names. As a writer, I find names quite important. They help in shaping the character. What I'm trying to say is I wish you had further developed their personalities based on their names. But the elements names kind of got boring after a point which made me wonder, you can have only 120-odd people with elemental names. You could've showed us variety.
3.
4. Your subtle play with emotions was brilliantly done. I liked how you used the words to show what was going on rather than a lot of telling.
It leaves me wondering about their mechanical death. Do they die? What happens with the new body? Can they reproduce using that? These are just interesting questions, you don't have to answer.
That said, great work, good writing.
Cheers!
~L
Hello,
In many respects this is a breath of fresh air! You describe both characters and surroundings with undeniable success. But the thing I particularly like about this is the idea, which you present to the reader very well. I think you have the foundations of a really good story forming here. I’m certainly not the best at reviewing so I doubt this will be all that beneficial to you, but I really like this idea and thought I should congratulate you! I look forward to reading more!
Ben
I love this! The idea is so interesting. I've never heard anything like it before. The only criticism I have is that it ended kind of abruptly, but other than that, It was really great! I look forward to reading your other works!