hey french adel, here
so about your story
people have alredy covered you on the basis of grammer so it would be annoying if I reapeted it,
believe me, i know, it gets so annoying when people keep telling you about the same thing over and over again.
I also know people have told your writing style seems, well, awkward. I can't really here your characters voice in this story.
when i say voice I don't mean audio I mean the readers should experience this chick's emotions and thoughts.
I can also see that you have trouble connecting sentences, well you know what, that's perfectly alright, when I first joined I had trouble doing that to I was practically hopeless when it comes to the 'connecting your sentences' department. truthfully speaking I learnt how to do it later on.
basically, what you need is more discriptive words, ok for example
"I looked out the window waiting to see RCHS. I then turned away..."
a better way of putting this would be...
"I glanced out the window (look is good to just don't use watch it makes it look kinda awkward) waiting or hoping to see RCHS, when I remembered a most intriguing way to keep ones mind busy, which was when I began to look through my bag and take possession of my ipod......"
this is just a suggestion.
Also I think it was good that you mentioned what song the character was listening to
I mean I'm no directioner but by you doing that the you allow the reader to have something to relate with the main character which keeps the reader engrossed in the story.
Remember keep your sentences connected, it is very important like the flow of oxygen for the body, is very important and if you cut off that flow the person dies. same way if you don't keep the flow of your story going people are bound to lose interest.
I like the idea of your story.
I think I'm going to follow this one.
your jamie character seems really lame I mean if she really is the most popular girl in school she should definitely come up with better come backs oh and work on your character devolopment.
enjoyed reveiwing
oh catch up with my story SIMPLY SIMPLICITY.
byeeeeee
Points: 671
Reviews: 6
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