Six Feet Under The Stars

TRYING

ONE

SONYA GREEN just wanted to go home. She hated feeling like this around people. She hated feeling as if she was only physically there, and no one really cared. She hated feeling angry about so many things, but she couldn't help it.

"Dude your retarded!" Jake Englewood remarked after his best friend Luke Dune sprayed the Coke in his mouth all over him.

"Wow, what is this? Seventh grade?" Sonyas best friend Holly Bauer asked sarcastically. "Luke laughed, slinging his arm around Hollys shoulder. Ugh. Sonya thought; she hated how some people just got that, how guys liked them like that. Sure, Sonya had had boyfriends but none of them had really mattered to her. And obviously she hadn't mattered to them because none of them had given a rats ass when she dumped them. But Holly always had guys liking her, and when she dated a guy they were always so whipped. Like they would do anything for her, and when she dumped guys they became depressed. It's not like Sonya was jealous of the guys because none of Hollys boyfriends were particularly attractive in Sonyas opinion, but hey, to each her own. Sonya had been so caught up in her thoughts she hadn't noticed them getting ready to go, "Sonya... Are you coming...?" Jake asked, "Yeah, sorry," she mumbled, "Did you not hear us argue about who was leaving the tip? Jesus, lord knows that was a lot of shouting," Holly joked, "I'm telling you, six feet under the stars," Jake said, smiling at Sonya. Sonya tried to smile back, Jake knew her so well. He was always telling her (because she ways seemed so distant and had a remarkable talent for tuning out everything and everyone) that she was living six feet under the stars. As they walked out the door Holly let the guys get ahead of them, "Ok you seriously need to get with Jake," Holly said, nudging Sonya. Sonya rolled her eyes, how many times had they had this conversation? "I told you, were just friends," "Sonya. Come on now! Let's be smart! He's a 17 year old guy. I don't think friendship is on his mind when he's looking at you..." "Well it better be, cuz that's all he's getting." Sonya replied, speeding up to the car. In their small northern Minnesota town there was little to nothing to do. Most people went to the diner/bowling alley like they just had, and there was also a play ground right off the beach (of Lake Superior) that they liked to hang out at. Sonya loved sitting on top of the play structure, because if you were tall enough you could climb on top of it and sit in the crevice between the slope of the tower on one side and the second tower that's less slanted, and lean back on the wall of the middle connecting the two towers and look out at Lake Superior. Holly was being spun around on the tire swing and screaming like a banshee. Jake jumped up and sat next to Sonya on the bridge, which also faced the lake. "Hey," he said as he sat down, flipping his dark blond hair out of his ocean gray eyes with a quick flick of his head. He's so adorable Sonya thought, she wasn't saying she didn't like Jake, he was hot and she thought that physically they looked good as a couple. Him with his dark blond hair, gray eyes, tan skin, tall toned body. She had an elegant figure, not to skinny but not to curvy, dark mahogany hair, stunning green eyes. She smiled at him, "Hey," "So you really like just sitting here?" he asked her with a grin, "Definitely," she said, curling her knees up to her body and wrapping her arms around them, "I think the lake is so beautiful, I never get used to it. I love the breeze, it helps me think," "Hmmm. And what do you think about when your sitting here?" he asked, raising his right eye brow, "well I can't tell you, can I? Their my personal thoughts," the smile faded of Jakes face a little, "sometimes I don't understand you, Sonya Green," he said with a sigh, she smiled more, "I don't either," she said, "I kind of like that though, it keeps me interested in you," he said, leaning in. He's going to kiss me Sonya thought, he's going to kiss me and I'm going to let him. And he did kiss her, and she did let him. She wasn't really looking to be in a relationship, but she wasn't really looking to reject Jake either, she did like him, and he had said he magic words, "it keeps me interested," those words stayed with her for ever.

The next morning Sonya woke up on Hollys couch with Holly sitting on her, singing. "Oh my god. Can we not!" Sonya moaned, rubbing her eyes. "Rise and shine sleepy head!" she said, putting on her biggest smile. "Ugh. What time is it?" Sonya asked, "Nine thirty," Holly replied happily. "Its only nine- thirty?! Jesus Christ! I'm going back to sleep!" Sonya exclaimed, annoyed Holly had woken her up so early. "Nope your not! I've been up since seven and we have things to do!"

"What do we possibly have to do on a Saturday at NINE THIRTY IN THE MORNING??!?!" Sonya asked, exasperated. "Well first of all your going out with Jake now?!" Sonya sat up, realizing Holly wasn't letting her go back to sleep. "I don't know, we didn't really talk about it." Sonya said, yawning. "But I mean you were making out, and then he held your hand!" Holly said, excited, "I guess, I mean I like him, I just don't know if I want to be in a relationship right now."

"Why?! You have been before?!"

"Yeah, and look how great they turned out,"

"Sonya, you can't say that you never really let those relationships go anywhere before you dumped them!"

"Well those guys just aren't what I'm looking for,"

"And what ARE you looking for?"

"Someone who makes me feel like I'm alive and I want to stay that way forever with them," Sonya replied. This she was sure of, she didn't know if it was normal for a 17 year old to want to settle down, but she did. Not really settle down in the technique sense, not get married or anything, but find someone who she loves and wants to be with forever and feels the same way about her. She wanted to fight with whoever this was, and have issues, because perfect relationships were boring, but she wanted to find that someone to be with forever. "Hun, these things take time! You have to let them," Holly said, "I mean look at me and Luke. Who ever thought we would date?"

"Um everyone..." Sonya said, "Well whatever, we had been dating eight months before I knew for sure I loved him." Sonya sighed, "And I really am happy for you, I just haven't found that,"

"Well your going to start NOW, call Jake," Holly said, shoving a phone in Sonyas face. "What makes you think he'll be awake? Most normal teenagers aren't..." "Call him!" Holly said. Shaking the phone, "Fine, fine. Christ, don't wet yourself." Sonya scrolled through the contacts until she found Jake, called and it went straight to voice mail. "Well I hate to say I told you so..." she said, smiling."Whatever, his phones probably dead," Holly said, rolling her eyes, "Mhmm, I'm sure." Sonya said, getting up to get dressed.

Two hours later Sonya sat in her bathing suit, lying on her back on the rocky shore of Superior, sunglasses covering her eyes from the blinding sun. She had chosen to stay out of the water, she wasn't much of a swimmer, and she just didn't like water in general. Holly, Luke, and Jake how ever were in the water, laughing and splashing and having a blast. Sonya smiled, Holly was so care free, and light hearted, sometimes Sonya wished she could be, but she over thought everything, analyzed everyone, noticed every little detail. She beard rocks crunching near by her, she opened her eyes, and sat up, and her hair was in a bun, in attempt to keep herself cooler in this hot July weather. "You should come in, the waters actually warm- well for Lake Superior," Jake said, kissing her on the cheek and sitting down beside her on one of the twenty towels Holly and Sonya had brought. Sonya laughed, "Yeah me and water... No." Jake shook out his hair, getting water on her, "Oh my god! You said it wasn't cold!" she squealed, punching him, "Well it's either that or you come in with me..." he said, trailing off in his sentence, then wrapping his arms around her stomach trying to pick her up, "Ahhh! No Jake no! Seriously!" he laughed, "Nope! Your going in!" she laughed and screamed as she was slung over his shoulder and thrown in the clear water. She took a deep breath at least before she plunged in, underwater everything was still, and silent. She opened her eyes, the water was so clear she could see all the little Cray fish peering shyly at her from behind rocks, she could see the algae on the slippery rocks rock back and forth with the waves motion, it was so peaceful. Then a pair of hands circled her wrists and pulled her up, she gasped when she hit the surface, surprised at how much she needed the air. "What were you under for so long for?!" Jake asked, wrapping her in a hug, Sonya found her teeth were chattering. "S-s-sorr-y, I w-w-as j-j-u-st e-e-xpecting the w-w-ater to be w-w-armer," Jake laughed, "My bad, let's get you back on land." They walked back to their towels and bags and sunscreen and everything and Jake grabbed two towels and wrapped them around Sonya, then rubbed his hands up and down her arms, trying to warm her up. "A-a-rent y-y-ou c-c-old?" she asked him, he smiled, "Nah, my mom actually gave birth to me in this lake, I've never gotten cold in it," "So you aren't just trying to look cool when you swim when it's cold?" Sonya joked, "Ohhhh, you wanna go back in the lake?" he said, wrapping his arms around her waist, she laughed, "Nooo," "Thats what I thought," then he leaned in and kissed her. "Awee you two are just so cute!" Holly said, as her and Luke walked over to them, "Yeah sooo cute!" Luke said, mimicking Holly, she giggled, "Shut up!" we all laughed, Holly and Luke were always going at each other, and it was pretty funny. They sat there until the sun started to set talking and laughing and joking, "The suns setting, we should get a fire going before the bugs get really bad," Jake said, getting up. "Well you two gather wood, and well supervise..." Holly said. Sonya rolled her eyes, "Sure Hol." her and Jake wandered away from there spot, here was a river that flowed into the lake, and they started wandering towards it, since there wasn't a lot of drift wood. "Hey I found a ton of wood over here!" Jake yelled, Sonya ran over, and he sure had. It was as if someone had gathered all the wood for a fire then decided just to not make one. "Good job," she said, laughing, he gave her a fake surprised face, "am I sensing sarcasm?" he asked, Sonya stepped towards him, "Me! Sarcastic! Of course not!" then she kissed him. This was the happiest she had been in a while, Sonya thought, Jakes hands around her waist, her arms wrapped around his neck, she loved the way he tastes. She could stay like this forever. Maybe Hollys right, she thought, Jake was cute and nice and he made her laugh and forget everything bad. "We probably should get this wood back..." Jake said, breaking off and smiling at her, Sonya sighed, "Yeah I guess..." she kissed him one more time, then they gathered up all the wood they could and carried it back to Holly and Luke, who were making out. They dumped the wood at their feet, Holly and Luke looked up, "Jesus man, did you guys get lost or somethin?" Luke asked, "Whatever man I don't see you helpin us get wood" Jake replied, chucking a stick at Lukes head. Luke grinned, "Alright now if you all will step back, time to let the master start this thing." he said, bending down to start the fire, he successfully got it started but we soon ran out of wood, "Well Hol since we got the first round of wood, you have to get everything to feed the fire." Sonya said, "Ugh. Fine." she said, she got a good amount of wood, and we dragged a huge log over to sit on, "You know, this is actually fun," Sonya said, leaning her head on Jakes shoulder. Jake laughed, putting his arm around her, "Well I'm glad you think so," he said. "Seriously like now that you two are dating we can finally go on double dates without it being weird." Holly said, "You made us do that anyways..." Sonya pointed out, "Well now it's official, to you two," Luke said, raising his beer, the rest of them did the same, then took a swig. Sonya tossed her head back and laughed, all their laughter echoing out into the night.

TWO

Sonya woke up the next morning to a pounding head ache, aching throat, churning stomach; she sat up, or tried to. She immediately got dizzy and lay back down. After five more minutes she finally realized she didn't recognize where she was. I wasn't the dark red walls of Hollys room, it wasn't the dark blue walls of her room, these walls were white with some posters on them, but she couldn't read the words on the poster.

She finally managed to sit up slowly enough to not feel to dizzy, then she suddenly felt the barf making it's way up her throat, she ran for a bathroom, she stumbled out of the room, and got lucky when she chose a random door to stumble into because it was the bathroom. She didn't realize until after about ten straight minutes of continuous puking how nice this house was; its ceilings were high, it had tan, plush carpet, she wandered down the hallway, and there were two huge glass windows facing the lake, she walked down the huge marble stairs, and stared out, the windows were on a landing in between stair cases, so Sonya decided to go downstairs, there was a huge entry hall, with a huge oak door, and a nice cold floor. She turned left into a living room, with big couches, even bigger TV, then kept going through an arch way which led to a hallway which led to a kitchen, there she found Jake. He was sitting hunched over a magazine, eating a bowl of cereal. He was wearing a white t-shirt with just his boxers. Sonya almost died when she saw him, so gorgeous. "So this is your house?" he jumped a little at her voice, and then turned around, "Yep. I decided it was best to bring you here, since you know. You were just a little bit wasted," he said the last part with a smile. She smiled back, "Thanks." He got up and started looking through cabinets, and taking out cereal, a bowl, a spoon, and milk. "Oh I'm really not a breakfast person," Sonya said, because she wasn't. She never ate breakfast, the most she had for breakfast was a glass of juice. He gave her a quizzical look, "really? That's weird, haha no offense, but ok," and he began putting the stuff away, Sonya shrugged, "I'm just not ever hungry in the mornings." "Even mornings when your hung over?" he asked, arching one perfect eyebrow. Sonya smiled, walking over to him, wrapped her arms around his neck, and put her mouth right up to his ear, "I like to do other things with my mouth," and he laughed and they started making out. A few minutes, or maybe hours later, someone walked into the kitchen and cleared her throat, "Ahem," Sonya jumped away from Jake. There stood a female version of Jake, tall, beautiful, dark blond hair, except her eyes were deep gold. She smiled; she had the same eyebrows as Jake. "Marissa! What are you doing here?" Jake asked, clearing his throat. "Its good to see you to little brother," she said, "my trip got cut short," she finished, extending her hand out to Sonya. "Hey, I'm Marissa; I'm guessing your Jakes girlfriend..." Sonya smiled, "Yeah, Sonya. Nice to meet you." Jake rolled his eyes, "What your boyfriend of the week run outta money?" he mumbled; Marissa whipped a container of butter at Jakes head, "Jake shut the hell up! We've been in the same room 30 seconds and you can't not insult me!" Jake scowled, "What? It's not like that's not usually the reason for your trips being 'cut short' what are you even doing home? Come to hit dad up for money then disappear?!" Marissa glared at him, rays of hate shooting out of her eyes, "You know what? Your not even worth it. Nice to meet you Sonya." she said, then stormed out of the room. Sonya turned to Jake, who had one hand cupping his neck, looking angry. "Hey what was that about?" Sonya asked him, rubbing his arm comfortingly. "Nothing, nothing. Let's just get dressed and go somewhere else." "Ok." Sonya said, following him upstairs, where she heard loud music blaring from the room at the very end of the hallway. Jake stormed around his room, pulling on a pair of shorts over his boxers. Sonya pulled on her pale skirt and light blue top, then grabbed her flip flops and figured shed get her bathing suit later. How did she get of her bathing suit anyways? She glanced at Jake, but he seemed to pissed off for her to ask. She followed him silently out of his house to the park, the one on the beach from their first night when they got together. He walked right up to the big tree on the edge of the park, by the road, and started punching it as hard as he could. It was a cloudy and windy out so no one else was there with them. Sonya ran up to him, "Jake! JAKE! Stop! You'll hurt yourself!" she grabbed Ono his arm, attempting to pull him away from the tree. He stopped, leaning his head on the tree, pounded his fist into it one more time and collapsed on his knees. "Hey, what's wrong?" Sonya asked softly, putting her arm around his shoulders. "I just- I hate her so much," he said, his voice shaking. "Why?" Sonya asked, "She ALWAYS DOES THIS! She goes off with her 'awesome' new boyfriend, and when he ditches her sorry ass, comes back home, hits my dad up for more money and then disappears. It's PATHETIC!" he pounded his fist into the tree again. Sonya rubbed his shoulder with her hand, "it's ok, it's ok." she said. But she didn't understand why Jake was freaking out so much. Like sure, your sisters a manipulative bitch, which sucks. But why get all stressed about it? But of course she didn't say anything. Every family has their issues. She knew Jakes mom died four years ago, in eighth grade, and that had left his family broken. She died in a ferry accident when she was visiting relatives in Seattle. Jake collapsed into Sonya, and she comforted him.

An hour later, they sat at Sonyas house, Sonya and Jake in front of the TV, Jake icing his hand. Sonyas house was considerably smaller then Jakes, strictly middle class. It was right off Lake Superior, like right on the rocks. And it was more of a cabin style house. It was light blue, with a porch and screen door facing the lake, and through there to the right a small kitchen, to the left a small dinning area, through there a living room, with stairs leading to the loft upstairs, and a door facing the road side, with a room on the far left of the cozy little house. Little to Jakes knowledge, in that room was an older, disheveled version of Sonya. Hair graying, eyes watery, skin wrinkly, and was Lillian Green. Lillian Green had two hobbies, yelling at her daughter, and popping as many pills as she can before she passes out. Sonya prayed her mother didn't wake up while Jake was here. She really didn't want to get into a shouting match with her mother while her boyfriend was sitting on her couch. "Your house is really cozy," Jake said, looking around. Sonya smiled, "sorry to disappoint, it's not exactly a mansion," Jake stopped smiling; "no I really like it." Sonya kissed him, "so do you wanna tell me what was up with your sister back there?" Jake turned away from here. "I mean you don't have to, just if you want to talk about it..." Jake nodded, "Maybe later." Sonya took that as he didn't want to talk about it, but didn't want to flat out say that. "So where's your mom? Or dad?" he asked, changing the subject. "Just my mom, my dad was never really... Here. Um I don't know, she's probably out running or something." Lie. The only things her mother leaves the house for are groceries, work, and therapy. Jake started to say something, then stopped, then seemed to change his mind and ask anyways. "So, where is your dad?" he turned the full force of his gray eyes on Sonya. "Um... He just.... He left when I was younger." she averted her eyes. She didn't talk about this- with anyone. Her mom talked about it with her therapist five times a week, and was passed out on pain killers when she wasn't at therapy or at work, and the few times she wasn't drugged she was yelling at Sonya about something. "You don't wanna talk about it." it wasn't a question, just a statement. "It'll just bore you anyways." she said, "we should go to the store, I'm running low on bagels." Sonya said, hopping up, going for her keys. "Um ok, I thought you didn't eat breakfast?" Sonya rolled her eyes, "I don't, and I eat bagels as a snack." Jake gave her a fake "stupid me" look, "ohh right, how could I be so stupid!" she punched him, "Gosh Englewood." Jake laughed, "fine let's go." they got into the grocery store right as thunder struck, lightning lighting up the sky. "Oh god, I hate when it rains," Jake said. As they walked down the fruit aisle. "I love when it rains!" Sonya said, her green eyes lighting up. Jake laughed, lacing his fingers through Sonyas. And they found the bagels, Sonya took ten minutes picking them out. "Oh my god Son, they're bagels!" Jake complained, "Hey! I have to consider carefully, wheat or white? Mini or regular? One or two bags?" Sonya replied, Jake rolled his eyes, "Well you know before I die of old age..." she laughed, "Fine, fine." she grabbed plain white bagels and they proceeded to the checkout line. After they were about to go outside, Jake said "Wait get your keys out now so you don't have to when we get to the car," Sonya laughed, "awe, afraid your hair might get messed up?" she teased, "yes actually, I am," Jake joked back. Sonya fished her keys out from her tan leather purse, and on three they ran to the car. Sonya splashed in every puddle she came across, and Jake bounded over them. Sonya laughed and screamed, and Jake just laughed. They got in the car and Sonya put the keys in the in the ignition and the car started to start, then shuddered off. "Oh god. Tell me your not out of gas," Jake said, "Um. I think I'm out of gas..." Sonya said. "Now were gonna have to walk home!" Jake exclaimed, "I know! The bagels will get wet!" Sonya said, seeming horrified by this idea. "Your worried about the bagels! Well get soaked!" Sonya rolled her eyes, "Awe Hun. Were human, we can dry off. Bagels can't!" Jake groaned, "You can't like, call your mom or something?" Sonya paused, "No, no, she's at work." "Fine," Jake said, "Fine then, I guess well have to walk." Sonya laughed, "Yes!" she got out of the car and started running. They ran the whole twenty blocks home, laughing and shouting and splashing the whole way. When they arrived at Sonyas, they shuffled inside, soaking so bad water dripped off them like they were in the shower. "Ill go get towels," Sonya said, shivering. "Brrrr," Jake said. "I thought you don't get cold," Sonya teased, throwing him a towel. "Well rains an exception, I don't do rain," "your telling me that wasn't fun?!" Sonya said, Jake grinned, "I guess with you it's not so bad," Sonya smiled, "that's what I thought."

THREE

The next morning Sonya woke up early, looked at her clock. It was only 8:03. Usually she woke up between 11 and 1, especially since it was summer. Sonya had been so surprised by the time she hadn't noticed who's arms were wrapped around her, Jake lay right up against her, his arms encircling her. She smiled. She never thought she would feel like this. After everything with her dad, and how that had affected her mother. But then they moved here, and Sonya had met Holly, and Luke, and now she had Jake. She lay there, just thinking. She thought about all the times she had come so close. Come so close to cutting her thread on life's wheel. She had sat in the bathroom, her mother painkillers in hand, in the kitchen, knife out, on the bluff, feet so close to the edge of the cliff. So many times, because she thought she had nothing left, but now with Jake and Holly everything was different. And this was the first time she was realizing that, the first time she was realizing that she had battled depression her whole life, or since the incident happened. Her therapists had told her, but she didn't want to hear it. So she had stopped going, and now she had Jake. Jake who was amazing, he cared about her, and he was there, and he felt real. Like what was missing in her previous boyfriends. She figured Jake mitt be sleeping for a while, so she got to of bed as quietly as she could, and threw on a pair of dark blue shorts, and a white top. She snuck into the kitchen, grabbed a jacket and went out the door quietly. Her mom worked a shift at the hospital from 12 am to 11:30 am, and when she got home she would sleep for two hours, go to therapy, take more then her prescribed dose of pain killers and pass out on the couch until Sonya dragged her off to her own bed. And that's how it went on weekdays, but weekends she didn't see her therapist, so that meant double the sleeping. Sonya didn't mind, her and her mom didn't have the best relationship anyways. Sonya thought about all this as she jogged to the playground on the beach. She climbed to her favorite spot, the clouds were dark, from yesterdays storm, and it was early so there was only one little boy there on the swings with his mom, who was pushing him. He was adorable Sonya thought, with curly brown hair, big, innocent, trusting hazel eyes, and thin lips that curled into the cutest smile you've ever seen when he was smiling and squealing with joy when he got pushed up high. Sonya looked away, out to the horizon. She wondered if her mom had ever done that, before everything happened. She wondered if her dad ever sat down, wherever he was, stared out a beautiful sky like this one, and thought about her. She didn't want to be curious, but she couldn't help it. It was her dad, it was kind of funny. She had ruined his life and his mothers life, and look at her. Thirteen years to the day. July 21. God, why? She thought, why had she been so stupid? Sonya pushed the thoughts out of her head. Hey were always there, but on this day they were always so much worse. And if her mother even knew the date that meant she would be in with her therapist for more then their usual time. Sonya had started to cry without even realizing it. God, how had she ended up like this? So screwed up? She knew she had no one to blame but herself, that's why her dad was gone, her mom broken. Sonya cried harder, why? She thought. That's all she ever thought about it. Why did it have to happen? Why did her dad leave after? Why was she so stupid? Why couldn't her mother talk to her about it? She was straight up sobbing now. Then a pair of arms wrapped around her, "Sonya? What's wrong?" it was Jake. He had an arm wrapped around her shoulders, she leaned her head on his shoulder, and just sobbed, and sobbed until she couldn't breath. Jake didn't say anything, he just sat there with her. He asked her if she was okay, if she wanted to talk about it, she shook her head no to both questions, because she couldn't talk, and she couldn't look at him, and she could not stop crying.

FOUR

Three hours later as Sonya pretended to be asleep, she layed against Jake with her eyes shut, breeze going through her hair. Jake was being so good to her she wanted to scream. Jake was such stood guy, he didn't even know why she was so upset, but he was still there for her. Sonya promised herself right there she would always be there for Jake, because she knew she probably would never be able to talk about it with him. Why she was so upset, why she always seemed so distant, six feet under the stars. Sonya wanted to cry again, she ways got white roses, and today she'd forgotten, so caught up in her own life. That's why after it happened she stopped caring, stop trying. Not completely, no if she had stopped caring and trying completely she would be long gone from this earth. She just stopped trying so hard to make friends, fit in with the popular crowd. And honestly? She hated all of it, but she hadn't had the clarity to see that until after. Maybe if she had seen before what she saw now, she would have had more friends. But it was to late to worry about it, but Sonya could never completely push the thoughts from her head, just like she hadn't completely given up- yet.

Sometime later, Sonya found herself wrapped up in blankets on her couch, with her head on something, not a pillow, not the couch- she looked up: it was Jakes leg. He had dozed off to apparently, his head titled at an angle to the left that would hurt when he woke. Sonya sighed, she didn't deserve him, and she knew it was such a cliché thing to say, but she actually didn't. Sonya laid him down on the couch, and took the blankets she had on her and spread them over his tall figure. She found that she was surprisingly cold, then spotting something black and sweatshirt looking she pulled it on, and was overwhelmed by the smell of Jake. She then realized it was his track jacket, she zipped up the front until the zipper was about 3/4 the way up, then got herself a bagel. She sat with Jakes head on her lap, him sleeping for the next hour or so. When he finally came around it was four. "Hey sleepy head," Sonya greeted him. He smiled up at him. "Damn, I didn't mean to fall asleep. How long was I out?" "Oh just a couple hours I think, maybe like two or three." Sonya answered, shrugging. Jake sat up, stretching and yawning. "I meant to do something today... But hen I guess this morning you were..." he trailed off. Sonya gave him a small, forced smile, "Yeah sorry about that, this day is always just so... Whatever. We should just hang to today anyways, but I have to go grab some stuff for my mom. But I'll be back soon." she got up, kissed him on the cheek and left. He looked a little confused, she thought. But she really had to do something.

She drove fast, to fast to the flour market and bought a dozen white roses, and got back in her car. She drove the five hours down to the Twin Cities, and to Mississippi River Boulevard, drove along that road until she saw the familiar, yet totally unfamiliar white house. She parked right in front of it, and got out, bringing the roses with her. She walked across the street, there was a bench here, right on top of the steep overlook, an overlook which if you fell off, or even accidentally stepped a little to far off the flat land up here, you would fall. Tumbling down into the fast moving, filthy, polluted green river. You would die. Especially if you didn't know how to swim. Sonya sucked in a breath of air, realizing how close she was to the edge, she stumbled back, the back of her knees meeting the edge of the bench, and she collapsed down onto it. She dropped the roses, the details of this day exactly 12 years ago rushing back to her, like Pacific Ocean waves.

FIVE

12 YEARS AGO:

Sonya ran out of the (at the time) grand white house. "Willi, Willi! I bet you can't catch me!" she giggled. "Kids!" Their dad yelled as Willi went bolting after his twin sister. "Don't go by the river!" It hadn't seemed to bother Sonya then, that they lived so close to the river in the small town of St.Paul, when there was so many hobos living by the river, who rapped kids and killed them and left their bodies in the river. And that the river was so polluted, and the cliff above the river right across the street of their house. None of that was strange back then, to the innocent minds of two six year olds. "Sonya wait up!" Willi complained, Sonya tossed her head back and laughed, her dark brown curls bouncing of her shoulders, catching the sunlight the same way her twin brothers did, but his dark curls were short. She paused a second, waiting until Willi caught up with her. "Wanna go on an adventure with me Willi?!" Sonya demanded, tugging on Willis shirt and looking right into his hazel eyes with her own bright green eyes. Willi sighed, "Daddy said we can't get into any trouble!" Sonya rolled her eyes, "Awee, afraid Daddy might find out?" Sonya said that because back then she was daring, courageous. And she thought their dad liked Willi better; he was smart, quiet when he needed to be, never whined about anything, never got in trouble. But Sonya always used to, she whined about school, church, dresses, always got in trouble and bad grades at school. Willi scowled, "Fine. What adventure?" Sonya smiled, mischief gleaming in her eyes. "Were gonna go find a hobo!" Willi gasped, "Son we can't! They're dangerous! Remember what mom and dad said! They kill kids!" Sonya rolled her eyes, as if the solution to that was so easy. "They won't kill us, silly. We need to find a boy one, because since I'm a girl he'll be afraid of me," Willi looked hesitant, "I don't think so Son..." Sonya pouted, "Oh come on Willi! It'll be so fun!" Willie gave in, "Fine. Where do we even find a hobo?" Sonya smiled, having thought through this to. She was a mischievous little six year old. " We have to climb down the cliff," she said, Willi gasped again. "We'll die!" "No no I swear! I tested the rocks yesterday, they're all really sturdy!" Willi gasped, yet again. "Son you could have been killed!" "Come on, I'll go first." Sonya said, starting to climb down. "No! I wanna go first, I do have to look out for you, you know," Willi said, pushing his chest out. Sonya laughed, "Come on Willi, who's the experienced one here!" but Willi was already climbing down, he still had one hand braced on the flat land when Sonya heard him scream and the sound of rocks breaking off. "SONYA HELP ME! THE ROCKS CAME OUT! HELP! HELP!" she saw his little hand grasp the ground to try and hold on, but she couldn't move, that should have been her, holding for dear life. She should have gone first, she must have loosened the rocks she thought. Willi was still screaming, Sonya found herself able to move, and reached for Willis hand, but she saw it slip, then disappear. She heard his gut wrenching scream all the way down, and for every night since.

Sonya had sat there, bawling, feeling sad, stupid, alone, and scared. Her dad ran out, started yelling at her. "What happened?! Where's your brother?!" Sonya kept wailing, pointed a shaking finger to the bottom of the cliff. She tried to hang on to her fathers leg, but he shook her off. "YOU LET THIS HAPPEN!?" he shouted, his made Sonya cry harder, she had never been yelled at like this before, even in all the other times she was in trouble. She remembered the look on her dads face, pissed of, impossibly sad, disgusted with her. That face, and the scream stayed with her to this day. Then Sonyas mom was outside and pretty soon the whole neighborhood. The police came and put yellow tape around the area, people in boats searched for Willi for just a few days, until they found it. Sonya remembered, it had been bloated, blue, decaying. It was all wrong. She remembered Willi so well, his curly brown hair, his piercing hazel eyes, and his worried voice. Always worried about her, and then she killed him. Maybe it was am accident, but it happened, and it was her fault. Sonya didn't stop crying for the next three weeks, her dad packed up his stuff, had one last shouting match with her mom, then left. We never saw him again. She remembered looking at her mom, who had lost her son, her husband, and was now stuck with a daughter she didn't even want. Her moms eyes were empty, emotionless. They have been ever since that day. Willi balanced everything out, loud, quiet, crazy, fun, boring. And Sonya had been the reason he was gone.

SIX

She hadn't realized until then how hard she had been sobbing. It was the gut wrenching sobs that made it so you couldn't breath, so you couldn't see anything but blurs because the tears, you couldn't feel anything because your body was so numb from crying so hard. Sonya doubled over, and laid on the ground, in the same spot she had killed her brother. She lay there and just cry, for seconds, minutes, hours, time stopped for all she knew. It was well past the sunset, and Sonya sat there shivering, tears pouring down her face. She tried to breath, and found that she couldn't. She had been carrying this secret around for so long, she had been guilty and sad and pissed off for so long. What if she stopped trying? What if she decided it wasn't worth it, that it was too much to deal with. Right there, giving up seemed like the best option: her dad was long gone, her mom couldn't even have a normal conversation with her. And when she thought about it, no one really knew her. The last person who knew her was Willi, and she had screwed that up. No one would ever really know her until she decided she trusted them and told them everything. But she didn't see how that could happen. This brought out another round of tears, Sonya pushed her dark hair back from her face, curling her knees up tight to her chest. How could she have done that? She still didn't know what she had been thinking at the time. There had been a solid minute for her to save him, and she didn't. She stood there, frozen, as if she incapable of pulling him up from that cliff. She knew she would have been able to pull him up, Willi had been skinny, and back then Sonya was strong, full of excitement and wonder. And Willi didn't deserve what she did to him. And she deserved all the emotions running through her right now, and she knew that. That hurt the most. How could she live like this forever? The thought of 70 more years of this made her want to die. Just keel over and die. But she didn't get to die, because she killed Willi, and he shouldn't have died but he did. So where did she get off killing herself to? She knew if Willi were here he would want her to be happy, but she couldn't be completely happy. And that was part of the reason, knowing Willi would want her to be happy, because Willi was the best. He was so good to her, always looking out for her, standing up against dad for her. Even though Willi had always been their fathers pride and joy. She had despised Willi for that, he didn't even try and their own dad loved him like he never loved Sonya. And then he left, proving he loved Willi more, but that was nothing compared to what she did, and Sonya knew that. She knew that everything bad that ever happened in her life was one big, bitch slapping karma. Sonya stood up, wiping the tears from her eyes, took one last look at the white roses, which had been Willis favorite flower, whispered, "I'm so sorry Willi. I owe you forever." then went back to her car.

She got in the car and the clock read 12:00 am. What? Sonya thought. It couldn't already be mid night. She had told Jake she'd be back soon. She didn't even check her phone to see if anyone had called, she was willing to bet they had, she just floored it. She thought of stopping at a fast food restaurant, but decided it was a waste of money because she wasn't hungry. Her mind flashed to Jake, who was nothing but nice to her, and cared about her, and she promised herself that she would never hurt him, that she would always be there for him. And look at her, driving off and giving no explanation. But today was different, today was the worst day of her life, happening once every year. Sonya started crying again, not carrying that that her tears made the lights blurry, and other cars on the free way look fuzzy, there wasn't that much traffic between 12 and 5 in the morning.

SEVEN

Sonya pulled up to her house at about 5:04 am. She walked through the porch door and into her living room greeted by Holly asleep leaning on Lukes shoulder, which was also asleep and Jake sitting at the table, head collapsed in his hands. She silently walked up behind him, putting her hand on his shoulder when she finally reached him. He jumped a little in his seat, looked up and jumped out of his chair so fast the chair tipped over. "Sonya! Where the hell have you been?! We've been up all night! You left 12 hours ago telling me you'd be back soon! We thought you might be dead or something! Jesus Christ you look like shit! Why the he'll didn't you call or something?!" Sonya was so shocked by all the shouting she opened her mouth to say something, but was cut off by Holly, who Sonya realized now was awake. "Son we should get you cleaned up, maybe you guys should leave..." Luke nodded, and tugged Jake out side.

Sonya looked to Holly and she looked concerned, maybe a little annoyed but not how Jake had been. "I'm so sorry Hol," Sonya said, Holly sighed, "Awe Hun I just wish you would tell me what's going on. I mean you start dating Jake, everything's going great, and then one day you randomly take off for 12 hours not telling anyone where you went..." Sonya averted her eyes, "I know, I'm sorry I just. I needed to do something, but it's done now." Holly put an arm around Sonyas shoulders. "Well if you decide you wanna talk about it you know you can talk to me." "Thank Hol, that means a lot." And it did, Sonya needed to hear that from people, even if she didn't know it. Now go take a shower and get some...cleaner clothes on." Sonya looked down at her clothes, and they were dirty from her laying on the ground. "Yeah, okay."

Sonya did as she was told, showered, new clothes. She came back down dressed and ready for yesterday to be over. Holly sat reading Sonyas copy of Rolling Stone. "Oh my god, how do you read this? It's just about a bunch of lame ass musicians." Sonya smiled, Holly didn't listen to a lot of music. "Yeah well, I like music." Holly rolled her eyes, "Now you have to go apologize to your boyfriend!" Sonya sighed, "yeah I know I just... I don't know what to say to him," "Son, tell him your sorry for worrying him. I don't think I've ever seen him that wiled up, he was seriously worried, and he was out driving around for three hours, making phone calls for at least an hour and a half. He was worried sick." Sonya knew he would be worried, but she didn't realize people thought she would really hurt herself. "Yeah, okay I'll go apologize." Holly smiled, "Good, but Luke doesn't know where he is, so go find him, apologize, kiss and make up then meet me and Luke at the diner." Sonya agreed, and set out to find Jake.

Sonya went to Jakes house, his dads office, her spot on the playground, he diner, school, until she ended back at his house. His sister, Marissa was there. "Hey, um I'm Sonya, I don't know if you remember me..." Marissa turned to her, her hazel eyes piercing on hers. "Yeah, Jakes girlfriend right?" "Right, well I'm actually looking for Jake, have you seen him..." Marissa looked puzzled for a moment, "Well he hasn't been back at the house recently, but there's this old beat down life guard station at the old Lights beach, he used to sit there a lot, during our moms whole thing." Sonya nodded, said a quick thanks and goodbye, and ran to her car.

She remembered Lights beach, it was originally going to be Northern Lights beach, the biggest beach on the shore of Lake Superior, but it didn't pass the health or safety inspection or something because of all the rubble in the water. It was all set up and everything, like the life guard stations you see on the coast of Southern California, and the stores and places to eat. It was supposed to be really popular and bring in some tourist, but it never took off. Sonya pulled up into the dirt parking lot, and got out of the car.

It was about 6:30 now, so the sun was starting to rise. She walked a long the beach a little, which was about five miles away from Sonyas house if you kept walking north. she saw the life guard station, and a lone figure sitting, head leaned against the outside wall. The life guard station was small, square, with a ramp and railing leading up to it, and it had an open porch on the side facing the water, that the ramp led up to. Jake sat there, with one leg curled up, one leg out, head tilted back and eyes close. Sonya walked up the ramp and stopped at the top. "You'll miss the sunrise of you keep your eyes closed," Jake opened his eyes slowly, and looked right into her eyes. His gray eyes were amazing, Sonya found that she couldn't look away. He was looking at her not really like he was mad, but she knew he was. "Can I sit?" she asked, he shrugged, gesturing his arm that she could. She sat down right next to him, lacing her arm through his and leaning her head on his shoulder. "I'm so sorry," she said, Jake sighed, "I know, I'm sorry for going off on you. I just- I was so worried..." "I know and I'm so sorry I made you worry." Jake nodded, and held her hand. "Where'd you go?" he asked. Sonya had been prepared for him to ask that, and she didn't intend to tell him, but in that moment she wanted to tell him. "it's kind of a long story," "we can take a walk," Jake suggested. Sonya nodded, "okay." they got up, and started walking along the shore, feet sinking into the rocks, waves rushing up right to their feet but never quit touching them.

Sonya told Jake the whole story, Jake held her hand tight, and Sonya loved that. When she was finished, Jake was silent. He stopped walking, pulling her right up close to him. "I can't believe you went through all of that," he said, "I know, it's crazy," Sonya replied, looking down, to embarrassed to meet his gaze. Jake put two fingers under her chin, and lifted her head so she was looking right into his amazing gray eyes. "You don't have to be embarrassed about it though, really. You can tell me anything," Sonya smiled, "thanks." then his lips met hers, and they stayed like that until the water finally touched them.

EIGHT

After she had told him, Jake was so understanding. She didn't even feel shy or embarrassed around him. For the first time Sonya actually felt happy, which was sadly an accomplishment.

It was a Thursday night, and Sonya sat under her purple/green/blue bed spread listening to her iPod. The volume was so loud that, should someone call out her name, she wouldn't hear them. It was 11:13 pm and she realized she was hungry. She had only had a glass of juice, a sandwich and an apple today. So she pulled out her ear phones and shoved her covers off of her. She got a quick glance of herself in the mirror, she kind of hated having a mirror in her room. She hated getting a glimpse of herself when she was walking by, and hated it more when she cared about what she looked like. Because that made her like every other self centered bitchy girl on this planet. Sonyas dark hair was currently piled atop her head, in a loose chigon, defining her cheek bones and making her green eyes pop. She was lost in thought, drifting down the stairs, and right into the kitchen. But then something caught her eye, she turned and lying on the floor, face up, limbs all askew, eyes wide, mouth parted in terror was her mother. And she was shaking, her whole body, spit forming at the corners of her open mouth. Her ratty brown hair splayed out under her. Sonya opened her mouth in a silent scream. A familiar feeling came over her, Sonya was frozen. She tried to move, to call the police, but her arm wouldn't let her. *No* she thought. She would not let this happen again, she would not do this again, murder someone again. And then she could move, she dashed to the phone, hands shaking so much she could hardly dial the three simple numbers. When the operator asked her "911 what's your emergency?" Sonya choked up, "I-I- my mom- come- YOU HAVE TO COME NOW," "Ma'm calm down, where do you live?" the operator asked some more questions, Sonya sputtered out the answers the best she could, and then the ambulance was there. It all seemed to surreal, and yet like she was reliving some distant memory, like it was happening all over again. The reeling sirens, flashing, twirling lights, paramedics asking questions. But this time she wasn't just an innocent little six year old looking up at all the people asking and answering questions. She was being asked the questions, being forced to answer them. She felt dizzy as she walked into the hospital, she couldn't believe her mother might die, be dead, be dying. She had no idea. And part of her didn't want to know, but part of her needed to know, and a small, strange, devilish, part of her wanted her mother dead, her own mother. But wouldn't it be easier? No more shouting matches over bills being paid, no more wasted money on pills, no more mother. Sonyas knees gave out, vision getting hazy, little blue dots everywhere, then she felt all the air rush out of her, and hit the cold floor.

NINE

Sonya woke up to several monitors beeping, thin blankets covering her chest down, a warm hand holding hers. The small, digital red letters read 3:09. Sonya turned her head, and saw Jake, his head tilted against his chair, fast asleep, still holding her hand. Then a nurse came in, "How are you feeling Hun?" Sonya tried to smile at the nurse, "I'm confused..." she whispered, the nurse gave her a pitying look, "you fainted, and you've been out cold for about a day and a half now," she gave Jake a glance, a small smile playing on her lips, "he hasn't left your side once," Sonya smiled, "how's my mother?" the nurse frowned, "I'll have the doctor explain in the morning..." Sonya panicked, "she's okay isn't she?! She's not dead!?" the nurse looked surprised, "heavens no, she's not dead. Jut recovering. The doctor will explain in the morning." then she left. Sonya sighed, and tried to pull her hand out of Jakes, because now that she was awake her arm was tired of the angle. He started stirring, then opened an eye. "SONYA!" he shouted, "shhh Jake! You don't want to wake the entire hospital!"

"I'm sorry I'm just... When did you wake up?!"

"Just a couple minutes ago, the nurse was very kind," Jake smiled knowingly, "yeah, Kristen's the best," Sonya arched an eye brow, "you know her name?"

"Well she's been the only conscious presence I've had for the past 36 hours... Besides the doctor," Sonya faked concern, "Do I need to be concerned about you and this nurse..." Jake smiled, leaning to kiss her. Sonya got a little carried away, pulling him on top of her in the hospital bed, sliding her hands around his waist. His hand started to travel under the hospital gown, "Jake." Sonya scolded, pushing him off her, smiling. He smiled back, "I would say sorry, but I'm not. So I'll just say I can't help myself," Sonya laughed as he put an arm around her and she nestled into his side. "I love you," she murmured, then, realizing what she said, paused, holding her breath. "I- what?" Jake said, awkwardly. "I mean- I didn't mean-" Sonya started, "um yeah, I'm gonna... Go to the bathroom." and then he got up so fast he tripped out of the bed and out the door.

The next morning Sonya woke, with Jake on the couch across the room from her bed. Then the events of last night came rushing back to her, she groaned to herself in embarrassment. Of course she had meant that she loved him, but she hadn't meant to say it. Not yet, anyways. Sonya shook her head in embarrassment, rising to of bed to get somethin to drink. She tried to get up and fell back down in surprise. Her knees felt like jelly, she realized shed been in bed for the past 48 hours. So took I slowly, standing up.