I wonder what you see,
when you look right me.
Do you see who I really am?
Or just what I pretend to be.
When you look into my eyes,
do you see my real face?
Or you only see your mistake,
for being involve with me in the first place.
Are we really friends?
Or all of this you're only pretend.
Do you value it?
Or is this to you not even worth a cent.
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I wrote this poem two years ago. Tell me how you guys think about it. Thanks!
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when you look right me.
**Should be when you look right AT me.
This poem is really cliche is all. The beginning lines have been used so often that even though full of feeling, have long lossed their true meaning. You can't really feel anything from this poem because all it's doing is putting forth a situations. There's no description or imagery. This CAN however be fixed. Turn a cliche poem into something new.
Keep it up!
~Rieda
I'm going to be blunt and say that this poem wasnt very good. At all.
You have a great premise. Can we ever truly connect with others? How can we know that they feel what they say they feel? On what is friendship really based?
However, the execution was sloppy and unoriginal. We've heard it all before, you know?
What I'd advise you to do is, as Fand said, read a lot of poetry, and really study the mechanics of it. Also, think about your imagery and diction. Words are tools. Use them to engage your reader and draw them subtly to your point.
I'd also say that questions are not to be used in poetry unless they're used sparingly and/or for a damn good reason. The number of questions here is overkill, I think - especially as most of them could easily be combined to be one question instead of two.
Sorry to be so harsh. You have a solid concept and I'm sure that you'll improve with practice.
Keep writing!
~bubbles
It sounded like one of those lines in a cheesy love movie in which you can tell what he/she is going to say next.
"When you look right me."
- There should be an "at" in this sentence, either in place of the "right," or following it.
"Do you see who I really am? / Or just what I pretend to be."
- Nooo! Fragments! This is all a very cliched topic; you could spice it up with a little original imagery, but there's... basically no imagery in this poem at all. Bad bad bad.
"When you look into my eyes / do you see my real face?"
- ...no, I see your eyes, since I'm looking into them, apparently. This isn't very clear.
"Or you only see your mistake, / for being involve with me in the first place."
- ...Now I want to cry. Insert "do" between the "or" and "you" in the beginning of the first line; "involve" should be "involved." And this... sucks.
...I quit. I'm sorry. I'm glad you told me you wrote this two years ago, or I'd have to advise you to put down your pen and not pick it up again.
As it is, I do have a little advice. You don't seem to really understand much about poetry; this is all just a lot of poorly-expressed navel-gazing. The cure? READ POETRY! That's right. Read it. Buy books, or borrow them from your local library, and read them. Don't just skim and turn to the next poem, either; read the poem, stop and think about it, study how the poet put the words together. When you find a poet you really like, do this even more intensely. Keep reading. Then pick up the pen again.
Better luck in the future,
Fand.