Husk.
Overnight your canine passed away
Warm tears float the day astray.
Regret seems to singe as it melts
Silence drowns in the plastic pool of sorry.
Noise and colour, brainstained fangs.
The maelstrom of air heaves forever.
Squashing together before ripping up gangs
No mind is safe from it's eternal bluster.
Then a boy dies, 16, 3 months that day.
Chased under the hulking train of humanity.
And now his mangled body will forever lay
Inside the glittery temple of absurdity.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UWUOZmfgJf4 (I did not make this).
http://www.facebook.com/pages/RIP-Liam- ... 5220449938
He was chased onto the railway by neds when he collided with an oncoming train.
EDIT: Please not hesitate to fiercely critique my poem.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,848 Reviews
The two beginning lines really drew me in to the poem. I'm so sorry for your loss and by reading this poem I have taken a glimpse of how devastating death can be. Keep writing and don't ever give up!
Hey,
Everyone has focused on the positives of the poem, however it is not perfect so I will try and offer a critque you can build on.
Right this was fine. It was a little of to the point I admit but good regardless. However what is the plastic pool of sorry, which i pressume should be sorrow?
This stanza threw me off altogether. I was completely confused. It is beautifully written and very graphic and emotional, but I felt like it didn't fit. I have read the piece numerous times now and I still can not figure out the point of it being there. . . This may just be me but any guidance you can offer will be greatly appreciated.
The hulking train of humanity is an amazing line and it is my favourite line in the piece. It made me think and relate it to my own life so well done for that. It was very good stanza. It relates to the title now and I thought it very good, the better of the piece.
I would like to ask you about the title, being as Husk when refered to dead, is usually used in terms of someone evil or sometimes zombies, so I was just wondering is their any reason you chose that or did you just find it fitting?
In know I haven't said anything good, but it is a good poem and deserves to be features I just think a couple of points to improve would be much more effective.
PM me for anything
~Retro Disco666
This was fabulous, but also so very sad.
The imagery was gorgeous.
My favorite line has to be, as depressing as it is, "Chased under the hulking train of humanity."
It has so much depth and meaning to it, to me, so much more intentions that it's trying to say. I feel like you put a lot into the poem, a lot of heart, and a lot of your talent, which is clearly very good.
I also like the transition from the beginning stanza, to the last. The last stanza concludes everything, and rounds up everything in my opinion. It's like you're leading up to that final moment, and you're able to say so much about it in just four words.
I really think you did an exquisite job on it.
This is really sad... and I do not know what to say, so I shall keep my feelings out and review this as a normal poem. But first I want to wish your friend to rest in peace and find in place in heaven.
Now this is a poem filled with sorrow and despair, I liked your vocabulary alot! There were grammatical errors and your sentence structure and verb usage are perfect. It was flawless, however filled with grief. Nice job, I would love to read more of yor work.
The bits in bold are the bits that didn't make much sense to me. The italics is the bit I loved! (I loved all of it, that's jus my favourite part.)
Very good. Keep writing!
~ #BF0000 ">Rebz
I don't know much about poems, but this is a beautiful peice
Thank you kindly for your appreciation of my poem, I'm glad the emotion wasn't lost in my hopelessly verbose and dramatic style.
The whole entire middle is what caught my attention so much beauty in it. You make the pain in this poem very real, as it should be. To me, it seems like a beautiful sense of pain. Maybe you have heard of the quote "Beauty is Pain" or "Beauty from Pain" to me, this hits it on the head of the nail. The ending sentence is beyond amazing, you don't rush into anything into this poem as some people do. You don't just say things like "he is gone, we left him in a box to the unforgiving ground" which is a little too over worked to me and most readers out there. You should be very proud of this poem, because it is flawed but yet beautiful and painful.
I'm sorry for your loss. If you have any questions or comments feel free to PM me.
Your work is a masterpiece. Have a great day.
-Soggy
Thank you for your kind words.
I'm not sure what to say. I followed the link, and although I never knew him, I joined. I'm sorry this isn't a real review of the poem. I just wanted to tell you that I am terribly sorry for your loss, and if you ever need anyone to talk to or anything, PM me, I'd be happy to listen. I hate to see people in pain.
So, my deepest apologies, even though I am only a stranger. <3
~~