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Alone

by Frances


Alone with him. Alone without him. Torn up, torn out, reduced to other, outsider. Looking in to happy homes, not quite believing they are happy, because happy doesn’t exist. Brainwashing is a misleading term, your mind isn’t clean, not washed or purified, but so befuddled by his lies that it is clouded, broken, dusty from disuse. He fills your head with his thoughts, his wants, until your own mind and spirit are choked from it. You spend your time trying to maintain order, maintain peace, but peace is broken by only his mood, you have no control of your life, your home, your hope. Only fear and reactionary dissociation. I am not here. I am alone.


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59 Reviews


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Fri Feb 22, 2019 4:35 am
OofOof1 says...



Brainwashing is a misleading term, your mind isn’t clean, not washed or purified, but so befuddled by his lies that it is clouded, broken, dusty from disuse." There should be a semi-colon after term instead of a comma because this is two full complete sentences mashed together. I also really enjoyed this line. it has some great imagery in it!




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Wed Dec 12, 2018 8:31 am
Rascalover wrote a review...



Hey!

You have a few awesome reviews already, but this short piece was quite interesting to me, so I hope you find my review helpful as well. First I want to point out the small grammatical errors:

"Torn up, torn out, reduced to other, outsider." I don't think the word other is beneficial here, and it clashes with the word outsider. Would it be okay if you just said reduced to an outsider?

"Looking in to happy homes, not quite believing they are happy, because happy doesn’t exist." Into is one word. I don't think there needs to be a comma after happy and before because. I notice your writing style was mashed up fragments instead of fallen sentences, I was wondering is that was intentional?

"Brainwashing is a misleading term, your mind isn’t clean, not washed or purified, but so befuddled by his lies that it is clouded, broken, dusty from disuse." There should be a semi-colon after term instead of a comma because this is two full complete sentences mashed together. I also really enjoyed this line. it has some great imagery in it!

"You spend your time trying to maintain order, maintain peace, but peace is broken by only his mood, you have no control of your life, your home, your hope." There should be a semi-colon after mood instead of a comma.

I'm not quite sure how the second to last fragment sentence adds to the writing piece. What is only fear and reactionary dissociation? I love your word choices, and I think this is a unique piece.

Thanks for the great read, I hope to see more work from you, and if you need anything let me know,
Rascalover




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Tue Dec 04, 2018 10:30 pm
manilla wrote a review...



The irony of the fact that you're alone and your not ties very truthfully to the rest of the piece. Using "you" for part of the story also drops the reader into your position. There are a few run-on sentences that can be broken up into smaller ones, like

You spend your time trying to maintain order, maintain peace, but peace is broken by only his mood, you have no control of your life, your home, your hope.


Perhaps a period after "mood". The sentence after that could be elaborated slightly to the points you made in the previous sentence. Also, brief but strong finish. The language in the main of this paragraph is honest, sounding like the narrator is rushing to get out their thoughts before their lone moment finally breaks.

Elaborate! You have such an honest train of thought going.
-Manilla out
(Feel free to disregard any comment you deem rude or unhelpful. That was not my intention.)




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Tue Dec 04, 2018 10:09 pm
AmadeusW wrote a review...



I find this passage very interesting. It explores how one will feel like they are alone whether they are with someone or not, and will feel as if they are not in control of their life. I think this reflects, in a short passage, a good representation of this. I don't know if this is from your experience or if it is a burst of flash fiction creativity, but either way I think you did really well, and if this is your experience, then I have compassion for your situation and hope you get better.





"I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then."
— Lewis Carroll