I once lived in a home,
Bricks and cement, bonded as one.
Shatterproof windows,
It was my safe haven.
It was my stability,
There was never any pain in the house.
One day,
I went out exploring.
I found a trail,
I walked, and walked, and walked.
Helping people and ignoring my pain.
After such a long time walking,
I finally arrived to my home.
But it was no longer a home.
It was broken,
Shatterproof windows- broken
Bricks and cement- strewn across what was once a lawn.
It was gone,
I could feel a knife,
Plunging into my heart,
Deeper and deeper.
Suddenly, my blood runs black.
Why?
I heard an eerie whisper,
'My love, your love is black because you are completely broken.
Now, for the final step.'
The blood pooled at my feet,
I fell, into nothingness.
Falling and falling,
Realizing that nobody and nothing could save me.
I was too far gone.
I just fell, endlessly,
Until my time was over.
But never had I imagined that my time would end like this,
With such instability and brokenness.....
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Canary word: Present
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,758 Reviews
Hey I'm here to review this
Ok first of all, i started by reading this poem out loud and by the time i finished reading I got choked up and I cried like a baby! You have an amazing gift, the imagery is just so vivid that the reader doesn't even have to make an effort to understand whats going on. Simply amazing.
Before I even started reading I thought I should comment on the format, how you should have split it up into stanzas but I was very wrong. The single stanza really worked in this poem, mostly because you used good punctuation. This made it enjoyable to read aloud and also each full stop and comma gave the right amount of time for the imagery to really work and bring out the emotions in the reader.
I did want to comment on the fact you repeated some words like 'walked', I know it was done intentionally for emphasis but you could have used other words which mean the same as walk just to make it a bit more epic.
Overall I loved it, by far one of my favorite poems on this website. I urge you to continue, again you have a wonderful talent.
~ RS.
I love this poem! The metaphor is beautiful and is such good imagery. The one thing I would say about this is that in the line "And somehow, a trench appeared." The somehow takes away from the poem a bit. Just because in poems and writing in general anything can happen and it's our jobs as readers to go along with it but when you add the somehow it is as if you are acknowledging that it is unrealistic. When it actually can be realistic if it's in the world of your poem. But that's the only thing! The rest of it is amazing and I loved reading it. Awesome work!