I hear the whispers in my head,
Whispering, "You should be dead!"
Don't listen to them,
Block them out.
The demons lie to me,
They make me cry all the time,
They promised they cared,
Told me they wanted what's best.
But they keep hurting me.
So now I truly believe,
That those demons are out to get me,
Out to hurt me some more.
Taunting, lying, hurting.
That is their goal.
"Haha you'll never win,
We'll just bring you down again."
They whisper that in my ear.
"Please make it stop!"
I shout, trying to be loud enough
For anyone to hear.
But my shouting was only in my mind,
For I still remain silent on the outside,
The way it's always been,
For the longest while now.
Trying to scream,
And somehow break out.
But these demons have me chained down,
Restrained from escaping,
Locked in the dark...
With. No. Way. Out...
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Hello, I'm Wiley, and I'm here to review your poem! My first impression is that I relate a lot to the subject matter of your poem and I thought you put these feelings into words very elegantly.
I think that using the word "whisper" multiple times in such close proximity should be reconsidered. You have so many options for similar words, such as "murmuring" or "muttering." Adding diversity to the words you use is important because it heightens the descriptive quality of your work.
The tone of these lines seems a little childish... not that they're naive necessarily, but that the word choice makes it sound a bit playful, which I don't think was your intent. Maybe it's because I can't picture ominous voices whispering "Ha Ha," and saying something that sounds like a schoolyard taunt. I would recommend changing this to make the voices sound more threatening and more realistic.
Anyways, I like the way the poem ends. Even though it's a break from style, the effect is very poignant and convincing. Overall, I think you could be more selective with your word choice and the tone that results from that word choice. I couldn't quite relate to the feelings you were talking about in the poem, just because your descriptions weren't vivid enough. Employing some literary devices such as metaphors or imagery could really help in this department.
Thanks for a good read,
Wiley
Nice, It's really good for someone who's just starting. You forgot to put some commas/periods in some sentences, try focusing more. I agree with niteowl, try using all sorts of senses and emotion. Try to use some fancy words instead of everyday-words. If you follow that, your writing would be a lot more
interesting. Anyway, it's good for someone starting.
Hi there FragileB72 and welcome to YWS! Niteowl here to review.
Since you said you want to get published someday, I'm going to be honest with you. This piece definitely expresses a lot of emotion, which is good. I get a strong sense of the tension between the speaker and the "demons", which I like.
However, this piece as a whole could be improved upon. I feel like the demon metaphor is very common, and this piece doesn't do much with it that I haven't seen before. Heck, I've written pieces very similar to this. There's nothing wrong with writing about emotions, but right now this piece feels very abstract. The demons don't seem connected to anything real, which makes it harder for the reader to connect with the piece.
To get out of this, I would put in more concrete imagery and metaphor. Don't tell me how the speaker is feeling. Instead, let me see, hear, smell, touch, taste the speaker's world. Metaphor is a good tool, but try to move beyond ones you've heard in other books, movies, etc. For example, you could describe the demons in an unusual way, or make their demonic nature obvious without ever using the word "demon".
Overall, emotion in poetry gets much more interesting when you get beyond the abstract, tie in sensory imagery, and move beyond common emotional descriptions. Here's some articles I think would be good to read.
Emotional Poetry
How to Write Good Poetry
Imagery
Original Poetry
Whatever you do, keep writing! As you read and write more poetry, you'll learn more of what works. This is hardly a bad starting point, and you definitely have potential!
Thank you so very much for your review. I'll try using your advice.