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Young Writers Society


12+

Card Academy: Queen of Swords: Chapter 1

by FourLeafClover


I step out of the cafeteria and gasp. No way! Really? Is this true?

Can I dare to hope that it's true? Can I? No. But... it's there. Maybe....

My eyes bore into the flyer so hard I swear to Hecate it's about to go up in flames. Probably not the best thing to happen while at human school. Yeah, no, definitely not.

Also, since the Norms would be seeing part of the wall on fire, that would probably make it worse. Walls don't usually tend to have small rectangles catching fire. At least, not as far as I know. Do they? Sounds like something I should ask my mom.

"Kendyll?" my best friend Teagan asks me, elbowing me. "What's going on?" I can tell she notices the flyer because her jaw drops. "Is... is that what I think it is? Kendyll, I'd better not be seeing things. Tell me you see a witch school flyer."

I grin, elbowing her right back. "That's right, T. It's for a witch school. The Thirteen actually convinced the High Priestess to open one up! And it's right in the J. R. Alford Greenway, too! The Greenway, T! Right here. We. Can. Go. To. Witch. School. In. Tally." My grin widens, earning me weird looks from other kids in the hallway of Swift Creek Middle School, but I don't care. So what if the Norms think I have some weird happiness disease? For what the flyer's announcing, I might as well. After all, it's not like something like this happens on a daily basis.

Teagan bounces from foot to foot, almost stepping on me with her black combat boots. Her pale brown eyes are sparkling with excitement, though, so I'm not gonna complain. It is insanely fantastic, after all. "You realize what this means, right? If we go there, we won't have to pretend anymore. We won't have to hide it. And we can learn more of the useful stuff, too."

"I know, it's incredible!" I exclaim enthusiastically, trying really hard to keep my voice quiet. Can't have the Norms figuring out our secret. If they find out we're witches.... Well, it's not like witch hunts aren't things Norms do. I mean, think about Salem. My ancestor, Rebecca Nurse, had been a victim of the trials. So had Teagan's ancestor, Sarah Wildes. I have absolutely no intention of being the reason another round of trials happens down here in Tallahassee.

The bells rings, making both of us flinch and jump almost half a foot high. Right, classes. Human school. That exists, I think.

Teagan taps me on the shoulder. "Skip or stay?" she asks, arching a perfectly manicured eyebrow. Dang, how does she do that? I wish I could arch a single eyebrow.

Wait, why am I talking about eyebrows? Weird.

Anyway....

"Yeah, let's skip. There's no way we can actually pay attention to math when we have Card Academy on our minds," I point out.

Teagan snorts. "Right, because you, Kendyll Nurse, ever actually pay attention to math. Please. But yeah, let's skip. Math is boring."

"Also, we need to work on our applications and actually read the pamphlet. Do you really want to show up and not know what you're doing?" I add. Yeah, sure, we both know we'll be winging most of it, but we should at least read the map part of the pamphlets so we know where we're going.

"Fine, good point," she agrees, nodding. "Let's go hang out in a parking lot or something." She grabs my arm and drags me through the hallway, almost making me crash into random students and earning dirty looks from the ones we do crash into. Oops. If anyone asks, it's her fault, not mine.

Once Teagan finally drags us through the front door, we stumble through the trees and almost crash into those before we exit onto Pedrick Road. Great, now we just have to make sure we don't get hit by a car. Lovely.

"Ken, how's Walmart sounding to you?" she asks.

I shrug and say, "Yeah, sure. I need to get Kimberly something for her birthday. Now's as good a time as any. You?" I grit my teeth as my white Converse high tops almost get stuck on a fallen branch. The stupid people who take care of the road really need to up their game. I'm pretty sure nobody wants to trip over something and get hit by a car.

"Same, but for my mom. What do you wanna get for your sister?" Teagan lets go of my arm, noticing my near fall, and helps me fix my balance.

"I dunno, maybe a Dumbledore shirt as a joke since she and the rest of the Thirteen are opening the school and she's gonna be Headmaster." Kimberly as a Headmaster? Didn't see that coming. But it's happening, I guess.

Teagan throws her head back and laughs. "That's brilliant! Okay, now let's go so you can get Kimberly a gag gift and I can get my mom... something. And we're definitely gonna get new school supplies and work on our applications, too." She grabs my arm again and continues to drag me down Pedrick Road to the nearby Walmart, not stopping except when crossing the streets, and leaving me to stumble along grinning like a maniac about Card Academy.


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Wed Nov 24, 2021 6:09 pm
MissGangamash wrote a review...



Hello! I saw the second chapter in the Green Room so I thought I'd check out the first.

Okay, so we've jumped straight in here, which is fine, but I think it could work better if the story started a little before. It would be good for the readers to get a sense of Kendyll's trials of hiding being a witch in a human school before her discovering the flyer. We only know it'll be great to change schools because it is being told to us directly. But it would be better to show us that. Show us beforehand that maybe Kendyll is struggling in human school? Perhaps she feels like an outcast? And so that flyer would then be a beacon of light - a new beginning for her. It will also make the readers get attached to her right from the beginning as we feel like we all along for the adventure of her leaving one life and entering another.

Also if you start the story earlier you can weave in some info about why exactly Kendyll is at a human school in the first place. And if humans don't know about witches... isn't it a little odd that a flyer for a witch school is up at a human school? Surely if they're a secret, the witch school should be secret too?

Hope this helps and happy writing! :D

Hope this helps!






Thanks for the review!
The flyer is there because there's this illusion thing that keeps humans from seeing witchy stuff, but the witches will see it, so they'll be fine.
Thanks for the review!





Cool! You should mention that in the chapter otherwise it doesn%u2019t really make sense.



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Fri Nov 12, 2021 4:02 pm
savannah_ohh wrote a review...



Hey, I have a review for your story!

First off, I really like the way you started off the story.

"I step out of the cafeteria and gasp. No way! Really? Is this true?

Can I dare to hope that it's true? Can I? No. But... it's there. Maybe...."


Right away, it had me asking questions! What's going on? What's she gasping at? I was instantly more interested in reading more!


"Probably not the best thing to happen while at human school. Yeah, no, definitely not."


I found this part really interesting as well because it seems to suggest there's non-human schools.


"I grin, elbowing her right back. "That's right, T. It's for a witch school. The Thirteen actually convinced the High Priestess to open one up! And it's right in the J. R. Alford Greenway, too! The Greenway, T! Right here. We. Can. Go. To. Witch. School. In. Tally." My grin widens, earning me weird looks from other kids in the hallway of Swift Creek Middle School, but I don't care. So what if the Norms think I have some weird happiness disease?"


This part made me smile while reading. The main character is really loveable so far, and so it's nice to see her happiness. It's pretty wholesome as well, and just overall I love her and her friend's excitement, haha.


""You realize what this means, right? If we go there, we won't have to pretend anymore. We won't have to hide it. And we can learn more of the useful stuff, too."



I assume this suggests they're witches. It also left me with a question. Why were they going to a human school? Is it because there wasn't one around before?


"Teagan throws her head back and laughs. "That's brilliant! Okay, now let's go so you can get Kimberly a gag gift and I can get my mom... something. And we're definitely gonna get new school supplies and work on our applications, too." She grabs my arm again and continues to drag me down Pedrick Road to the nearby Walmart, not stopping except when crossing the streets, and leaving me to stumble along grinning like a maniac about Card Academy."


I really like reading about these two's friendship! They're a really fun pair and are extremely fun characters. I like Kendyll's personality. The story concept as well is super interesting, and I can't wait to read more!






Thanks for the review!
To answer your question about the schools, yeah, there wasn't one, so they were at a human school.



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Fri Nov 05, 2021 12:36 am
Plume wrote a review...



Hey there! Plume here, with a review!

I think I reviewed one of your character profiles for this a while back, so I was really excited to see your first chapter out!! I have to say, I'm really looking forward to reading more. I always love seeing different takes on magic in a modern world. Since the whole witch magic school thing has been done so many times, but I'm really hoping you bring something fresh and new to the scene. I'm really looking forward to reading more!

One thing I think you did really nicely was establishing the tone of the piece right away. I love the casual and personable narration voice you've given to Kendyll; I think it's a great way to draw in your audience. I'm also curious to see if you're going to do different POVs, and how the narration will change between them if you do. I loved Kendyll's relationship with her best friend Teagan, too; I think you did a great job of showing their banter and several other facets of their friendship. I assume they're both going to end up at the magic school, and I'm looking forward to seeing how their relationship changes.

Specifics

"I dunno, maybe a Dumbledore shirt as a joke since she and the rest of the Thirteen are opening the school and she's gonna be Headmaster." Kimberly as a Headmaster? Didn't see that coming. But it's happening, I guess.


I thought that this part didn't make a lot of sense. If Kendyll already knows that Kimberly is going to be headmaster, I thought that the part where you said "Kimberly as a Headmaster?" sounded awfully like she was finding out for the first time right then. I think a better way of saying it would be "I never expected Kimberly to be a Headmaster, but it's happening, I guess."

Overall: nice work!! I think this is a really fun start, and I'm looking to see where you take it from here! Since you've labeled it Queen of Swords, I'm wondering if the POV will switch between the cards that represent certain characters. I guess I'll have to wait and see! Until next time!!






Thanks for the review!
I'll work on that paragraph, thanks!
Also, Queen of Swords is the name of the book, Card Academy is the series, and the entire series is from Kendyll's POV. I will do epilogues from different POVs, though, if you are hoping for different POVs.



Plume says...


Ahh okay gotcha!! One POV is also fun, but it's nice to know there'll be a little bit of mixing it up during epilogues!!





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