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Young Writers Society



The Princess-in-Training Meets a Princess

by Fortuna


Once upon a time there was a little girl who wanted to be a princess. Every day she would wake up hoping to be in a stone palace surrounded by knights and her closet full of pretty gowns. She wanted to be able to call down animals with her singing, and use magic powers to save the day. Every night she read her princess books and drew pictures of her imaginary castle. She cried because the world around her wasn't like something from Fairytale Land. She cried because the world around her wasn't full of magic and dragons and unicorns and fairies. One day, as she was sitting in her room, a bright light appeared.

Suddenly, there was a real live princess from Fairytale Land, right in her room! She wore a golden tiara on top of her head, and had a beautiful pink ball gown full of ruffles, and a smile brighter than sunshine.

The little girl was thrilled, and stared in awe at the princess, half thinking that this couldn’t be real. The princess said to the little girl,

"My name is Princess Aredia. I have heard your cries all the way from Fairytale Land. I've come to help you find happiness."

"The only thing that would make me happy is if I could be a princess," the little girl said, "But here in this world, I can only be a normal girl. Can you take me to Fairytale Land, so I can be a princess like you?"

"I'm afraid I cannot," Aredia said, "but trust me, I will help you become a princess."

"But how?" said the little girl, "There isn't any magic in this world. All the magicians I've seen only do tricks and illusions, they aren't real magic. How can I be a fairytale princess without magic?"

"There is magic all around you," the princess said, "and I will help you to find it."

"In Fairytale Land," Aredia said, "We don't have something that you have, and that's something called electricity. See all these wondrous things around you? To the people of Fairytale Land, they're as mystical as pixie dust.

"Look at how this light turns on without the need of fire. In Fairytale Land, we don't have these things. We have to wash all the dishes and clothes by hand."

"But princesses don't have to wash dishes and clothes, do they?"

"We have to do chores like anyone else. We have big responsibilities, like making sure our realm is clean and safe."

"So I have a realm?" The little girl asked.

"Of course, all princesses have a realm they need to take care of. Now that you're a princess-in-training, we have to figure out what yours is. Do you keep your room neat and clean?"

The little girl looked around at the toys and clothes on the floor "No." The little girl said sheepishly.

"Well, that's a part of your realm, so you need to keep it tidy. Shall we do that right now?"

They then picked up the room and made the bed and put the dirty clothes in the hamper. "Wow, that didn't take very long!" The girl said happily, marveling at her clean new room.

"Now, what else do you do with your day?" Aredia asked.

"I play with toys and read my princess books. Mommy and Daddy don't read them to me any more because they're busy with work during the day, and then do housework in the evening. They don't have time for me."

"Well, we can't have that!" Aredia said. "Here, if we do some of the chores, then your parents won't have to when they come home!"

And so they washed the dishes and swept the floor, and they sang songs while they did it. They had a lot of fun chatting while they worked, and they were done in no time.

"I have to go for today," the princess said, "But tomorrow I will come back and teach you more about how to be a princess!"

"Okay, good bye Princess Aredia!"

"And good bye, princess-in-training!"

When the little girl's parents returned that day, they were amazed to find the house chores already done. Then something wonderful happened. They both hugged the little girl and thanked her for her hard work. They all made dinner together and then they ate dinner together. The little girl was very happy, she was proud of her work and glad she made her parents so proud.

"Goodnight, princess." Her parents said as they tucked her into bed.

"Princess-in-training." she corrected, and happily went to sleep.


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1220 Reviews


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Mon Aug 10, 2009 5:45 pm
Kale wrote a review...



This was a really cute story. :3 There were a couple of things that caught my attention, though.

Once upon a time/,/ there was a little girl who wanted to be a princess.

This same sentence written without any commas would be "There was a little girl who wanted to be a princess once upon a time." When you move a phrase to a different location within the sentence, you need to offset it with commas.

Every day/,/ she would wake up hoping to be in a stone palace surrounded by knights /with/ her closet full of pretty gowns.

With works better than and in this case.

All the magicians I've seen only do tricks and illusions, they aren't real magic.

Comma splice. It should be either a period or semicolon. Remember that each sentence has a subject and a corresponding verb. Any more, and it tends to become confusing.

They all made dinner together and then they ate dinner together.

The two togethers are redundant. I suggest deleting one of them and possibly rephrasing the sentence so it flows a bit more smoothly. "Together, they made dinner and ate it" is one possibility.

I saw a number of awkward sentences like the ones I just pointed out. The easiest way to catch them is to read the story aloud, taking note of where you stumble and/or which parts sound off. It'll help you catch repetitive words and odd phrasings.

Another thing I noticed was that the pacing felt a bit rushed. If this story is going to have illustrations, though, this isn't really an issue as the illustrations would slow the pacing down sufficiently; as just text, though, the whole story moves along very quickly. You could go a bit more into detail about the chores the girl does, the conversations she and the princess have while working, or even the songs they sing for instance. You could also describe the setting and the characters.

Other than that, it was a very cute story, and I enjoyed reading it.




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1260 Reviews


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Sun Aug 09, 2009 12:30 am
Elinor wrote a review...



Okay, I read through this, and It's pretty good, expect you really need to work on your grammar and sentence structure. Now, I'm not that good at grammar, so I can't point out specific examples for the fear that I don't know what I'm talking about.

You also need to work on your imagery. The Story seems a little cliche, and I think you need to develop your characters a little more? Why does the girl want to be a Princess? Is she poor? Simply Ambitious? I don't know about the setting? Modern? Medivial? Highten the conflict, Highten the Characters, and you have a great story :-)





Who, being loved, is poor?
— Oscar Wilde