In the mountains of Isstern in the kingdom of Vil, where lived a large group of trolls. They were a fierce tribe, who possessed both brute strength and powerful magic. They mined their mountains for gold and other precious metals, and patrolled the forests around the mountains to keep humans away from them.
Among these creatures there was a kind hearted troll named Askarina. Askarina’s village was high up on the mountains and deep within a cave. Every day she awoke in darkness and lived and worked with her parents, brothers, and sisters. Of all the children, she was the youngest and weakest, so she was given the lightest tasks and berated for it by all the other children. Among trolls, strength was a virtue and weakness was unacceptable. She was forced to stay inside the cave while her family went out to hunt game and pillage travelers, so she rarely got to see the light of day.
But Askarina had long desired to go out and see the wide world. When she told her family, they only laughed at her.
“You’re the runt of the clan,” they said, “You could never find anything out there! You need to stay here and mine for gold.”
Askarina still wanted to go out and see the world, and leave her troll village, perhaps for good. To make her happy, her parents gave her a sack of the gold they had mined the day before and told her to venture out until she was ready to be sensible and come home. But Askarina knew that she would make something of herself in the wide world, and set off down the mountain and into the forest.
Along the way, she heard a voice, calling for help. Askarina raced to the scene and found a young human stuck in a pool of mud and sinking fast.
“Hold on!” said Askarina, breaking off a branch from a nearby tree. She lowered the branch to the young man. “Grab on and I’ll pull you up.” The young man grabbed on for dear life and Askarina pulled him out of the mud.
“Kind troll,” the young man said, “I owe you my life. I went off the road because I thought there was a shortcut near here, but I ended up in horrible trouble. Thank you for saving me.”
“You’re welcome, it was nothing.” Askarina said sheepishly, “What’s your name?”
“My name is Arvid, good lady, and yours?"
"Askarina."
"Lady Askarina, I am in your debt, but I don't have anything to repay you with. Please take this," He said, handing her a paper from his sack, "and I hope to see you again, to repay you better."
Askarina read the piece of paper- it was an invitation to the royal ball of Prince Mannelig, in the palace, far from the mountain.
"A ball at a prince's palace is surely too grand for me," Askarina said, "besides, even if I used my trolldom, my magic, and made myself look like a human, my big toe would still be large and green, like a troll's, and I have no shoes to cover my feet."
"Have my shoes," said kind Arvid, "and come to the city."
"But sir!" Askarina gasped, "I have heard that human feet are small and easily hurt. Keep your shoes, I will find some other means."
"No no," he said," I must repay you for saving my life! My feet are large for a human's and very tough- I'll finish my journey and come back to the city as quick as I can." He took off his large shoes and gave them to Askarina. They fit even her large troll feet.
"Let me help you find the road,” Askarina offered, and the pair of them traversed through the forest until they happened upon the forest road.
“This is where our ways part,” Arvid said sadly, “I must continue down the road to deliver these invitations to as many beautiful and kindhearted women as I can find, and the city is down the way I came. Thanks again for all your help, Askarina.”
They said their farewells and Askarina continued down the road to find the glorious city of the humans.
“If Arvid was so kind to me, I wonder how kind and wonderful the prince of the humans is! I bet he’s an absolutely wonderful person.” But Askarina looked down at her appearance, her green skin and big nose and huge feet; she despaired because even if she got to the ball, no one would ever want to dance with such a homely troll. “So I will transform myself into a beautiful human woman with my trolldom,” she decided, and said the incantation, “Things are not as they appear, and trolldom makes them more unclear. For all believing is in seeing- make me now a human being!” And with that, she transformed into a lovely human woman, all of her flawless and fair, save for the big toe on her left foot, which was hidden by Arvid’s shoe. Satisfied with her disguise, Askarina continued down the road, and walked from the forest to a wide meadow.
In the meadow, Askarina found a group of men chasing after twelve beautiful wild horses. Timidly, she asked one of the men what they were doing and he answered,
“We’re trying to catch these horses, so we can bring them back to our ranches. Whoever catches one can keep it.”
Askarina thought about this, and decided that it would be better to ride on a horse than to continue walking to the city, and so she asked the man if she could try to reign in one of the horses.
“A pretty woman like yourself would surely be trampled by these wild horses,” the men laughed, “you had best stay out of our way.” But Askarina was persistent, and reluctantly the men let her try to catch the horses.
Askarina boldly walked into the meadow, and used her trolldom to call out to the horses. The twelve wild horses approached her cautiously, all suspicious of this troll disguised as a human being.
“We know you are a troll,” they said in the horse language, “so what do you want from us?”
“I want to ask you to accompany me to the palace of Prince Mannelig.” Askarina replied, using her trolldom to speak with the horses.
“We value our freedom,” said the horses, “we do not want to be saddled and treated like servants to humans or trolls. We want to stay in this meadow.”
“Friend horses, I would never put a saddle on you or reign you in, that would be cruel. I want to give you all a nice home, protected from the elements, and fields to graze on without fear of being hunted down by men like these.” The horses spoke amongst each other, and their leader, a beautiful black stallion, said to Askarina,
“You are not like other creatures, who want to enslave us and treat us like beasts of burden. You are kind-hearted, and therefore we shall follow you to the castle of Prince Mannelig.”
To the shock and awe of the horse ranchers, Askarina left the meadow, leading all twelve of the horses onto the path and towards the human city.
The beautiful stallion said to Askarina, “You trolls cannot walk for long distances like we horses can. I will allow you to ride on my back, because you are my friend and friends help each other.”
“I do not wish to burden you, friend horse,” Askarina said politely.
“It is no burden,” the horse said, “we horses are strong and like to carry our friends who are not as strong.” And so Askarina rode on the beautiful stallion all the way to a clearing, where she saw twelve large mills and many workers bustling about.
“What are we going to do?!” The mill workers cried, “All of our mills have stopped working and we won’t be able to feed our families!”
Askarina and the horses stopped when they heard their laments, and Askarina asked the workers,
“Why have your mills stopped working?”
“The river dried up one day,” they said, “and the mills only work when the river is flowing.”
Askarina thought this very suspicious, since the river was completely dry and there hadn’t been a drought in the land. So Askarina and the black stallion followed the riverbed upstream until they found the cause of the phenomenon- a rockslide had dammed up the river, trapping all the water on one side and cutting off the flow to the mills. When Askarina saw this, she knew that she could help the villagers with a bit of her trolldom.
“Rocks and mud and slime and gook, vanish now from this fair brook!” And with that, the mud that had blocked the river lifted out of the water and fell plop on the other side of the river bank. Now the river flowed freely, and Askarina and her friend, the black stallion, rode back to the other horses and the millers. They all rejoiced in having their mills work, and in their gratitude, they made Askarina the owner of all twelve of the large mills.
“Won’t you stay with us and oversee the mills?” They asked her.
“I will, when I come back from Prince Mannelig’s ball.” She told them.
“Fair lady!” They cried, “Let a few of us accompany you, to ensure your safety. It’s dangerous to ride alone, what with all the bandits around.”
Askarina talked with the horses for a bit, and the other eleven horses agreed to carry eleven of the workers. With the party thus expanded, Askarina and her friends headed deep into a forest on the way to the human city.
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I like this peice, and I agree it has the ring of traditional fairytales. It made me think back to my old Grimm's Fairy Tales that I read so much it had to be held together with duct tape. It was written, except that I would have liked a discription of the character Askarina turned into when she used her magic, in addition to a little more emotion on her part. Other than that, I thought it was great!
Hey Fortuna!
I'm so sorry it's taken me a while to get to review this, but I'm here now...
I. NITPICKS
there, not where.
Perhaps just my magic...
Are you sure it's not fitted?
Okay...
II. THE FAIRYTALE FORMULA
As you may or may not know, I am obsessed with fairytales... and as far as this goes, it's pretty good in following the formula, but I'd just like to runa few ideas past you:
Often in fairytale, the MC will express their need of something, in this case, shoes and an invitation to a ball, a horse and bodyguards and then do some selfless act which will help them obtain it...
So in this case, why not have Askarina say "How I wish there was somewhere for me to go and be grand!" then rescue Arvid.
Why not have her say how tired she was before she sees the horses?
Why not have her wish for company before she sees the villagers?
Do you see what I mean?
Another idea which you seem to have sort of half-grasped is that of someone saying "You are ugly, stupid and weak" and then in three separate events, the MC showing they are beautiful clever and strong. Things always happen in threes as well, it's a good model...
III. OVERALL
I liked it, it was easy to follow and well written.
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella.
Hi there! Here as requested!
Where should be there.
Also, your title kind of....scares me. I'm fourteen, and I can't pronounce it. If you're aiming for a children/toddler audience, that's kind of a set back. Children like titles such as"The Cat in the Hat", or something simple.
That B should be capatalized, since it's a new sentence. In fact, most of your quotations are like that. I can understand if you're pausing a sentence, but you should only do that at appropriate timing, like when the speaker is taking a breath.
Other than that, good job! Like Demi said, you don't see very many fairytales on YWS anymore. But, since this is a children's book, you might want to shorten it just a smidge and use kinder, more child-friendly words.
Keep writing!
Fragile
x
Happened upon is perfectly acceptable in English, you silly Demi!
But I always thought it sounded weird, too.
Tjänare Fortuna!
I was interested in reading this, since I'm still fascinated by fairytales. I'm glad people still write them, because honestly I haven't seen very many of those in YWS before.
You can take away the "where", it's not needed.
If you want to keep the dash, you should have some space around it – so hit space after "paper".
It might be the lack of my English vocabulary, but I don't understand this. They happened? Are you sure you have the right word there? Or does it mean that they found the road finally. Oh yes. Never mind my comment. Heh.
You should uncapitalize "they" and "she", since they aren't proper nouns. Also, replace the period after "ball" with a comma.
Okay! I'm done with my nit-picks here. One thing that disturbed me a little was that you spoke a lot about "trolldom", and I understand it's some kind of magic, but I'd like to know more about it. What kind of magic is it? What can you do with it? And since children tend to love all things related to magic, I think it would great to expand the "trolldom" a bit more, just to think of your future readers.
All in all, I liked the fairytaleness very much, and I'm sure that if I had read this when I was small, I would've loved this. I will be happy to read more!
Demeter
xxx
There's not much to critique about this piece - it was very good! You've got a very traditional voice and style that evokes fairy tales, though I think it could use a little more spark/personality. There was only one mistake I caught, which was in the first sentence "there" instead of "where." Otherwise, I'm curious to see what happens with Askarina.
~Annie