The sun began to move down in the sky and we made our way back to the car. In that little time, the building had been infested with zombies. We walked slowly and quietly to the car, only making noise when we closed the doors. They didn’t stir at the noise of the car starting the way we expected them to do. We drove quickly down the road and out of town. As we went, we noticed that our town wasn’t the only one infested with them. All of the towns we passed through were full of ravenous, fighting zombies. Once we were out of all the big towns, and in the country, we stopped to sleep. I volunteered to stay up and keep watch.
I sat in the back of the van, gun in hand, waiting for one of those things to show up. I wasn’t tired most of the time. It was about midnight when I felt my eyes begin to close. I kept opening them again and again, but I must have fallen asleep. The night had weighed down on me.
When I woke, I had a gun in my face. I froze immediately, waiting for the boy to shoot me; he was no younger than I was in any case. I looked around for my gun; it was at Katie’s feet. We waited for a long time; he was obviously waiting for someone. Melanie was the first to wake. She was quiet when she woke up, thank God, so she grabbed her gun and put it to his head. He sighed and muttered something. An older boy put a gun to her head. This was just going to be a long line of people holding each other at gunpoint. The younger boy looked away for a second, and I grabbed my gun, pointing it at him. A much younger boy pointed a gun at me.
The boy was kind of tall with sandy brown hair that hung in front of his soft grey eyes. The younger one had about the same color hair, maybe a little darker, that was was just above his blue and he stood shorter than anyone else around him. The oldest had black hair, short and out of his face. His eyes were brown but dark enough to be confused with black.
“That’s not fair!” I complained. That woke Katie up, so she was able to point her gun at the youngest one.
“Now,” Katie said, “no one move, and we won’t shoot you. If you run or move, we’ll shoot your brains out.” Melanie turned around and hit the oldest one with her gun, knocking him to the ground. She grabbed the gun and tossed it to me.
“Well, ain’t this a turn of events,” the middle aged boy said. I laughed once, but didn’t let my guard down. He lowered his gun slowly. The others followed, lowering their guns as well. The oldest one picked himself up, a disappointed look on his face. This hadn’t gone exactly how they’d planned.
“What are we going to do with them?” Melanie asked. Katie perked up.
“Kill them,” she suggested. She was a morbid girl; we always thought she was Gothic, but she would never tell us. So we never knew, but we did know she liked to kill things.
“No; why don’t we take them with us just in case we need them, then we can kill them later if they fight,” I recommended. Katie looked at Melanie for her final word. She nodded and Katie pushed her bottom lip out in a pout.
“In the car,” Melanie demanded. “And put the guns on the ground.” They dropped the guns, out their hands up, and climbed in the car. I kept one of the handguns in my hand, just in case. Melanie got in the front with the oldest boy, Katie got in the middle seats with the youngest one, and I got in the farthest seat in the back with the middle boy. We tied their hands together, and then we were off again.
I sat sideways in the seat so I could watch him, then I laid my head back on the window. I closed my eyes and tried to go back to sleep without dreaming of those freaky zombies. A dream came from that little thought…
Darkness absorbs me as I walk down the sidewalk to a tiny market in the middle of nowhere. There were a few people in there by the looks of it from the window outside. I opened the door, and went in to buy something. I walked up and down the isles slowly, not sure what I was looking for. Something screeched outside and the lights flickered before going off completely. Someone in the store screamed, and I backed into a corner to avoid being hit by anyone in the dark.
In the little light there was from the moon, I noticed that the center of the store no longer was full of isles; it was empty. Someone rattled the door; a tall blonde woman from the look of it. She was trying to get out but to no avail. The doors were locked. She sighed and backed away from it, seeing the creatures outside; zombies, no doubt. All of them backed into their own corner, separate from me. The lights flickered again, and I closed my eyes, and it felt like I was falling. I opened them again, and I noticed I was falling into a crowd of vicious-looking zombies….
I opened my eyes and pulled my head away from the window to see the boy holding my gun to my side. I sighed and laid my head back again. At least I wasn’t falling into a crowd of zombies! He put a finger to his lips as if to say be quit, and held up his tied hands in front of me.
“Untie me,” he whispered, barely loud enough for me to hear. I had no clue why, but I felt like they wouldn't hurt us, even if they had guns pointed at our heads. With that, I reached in my pocket and pulled out my knife, and I cut the rope around his wrists. “Now, don’t make a sound; give me the other gun.” I handed him the other handgun in the floorboard. He passed it by the side of the seat that Katie couldn’t see, to the other boy; the youngest one. He took it, turned to face her, and pointed the gun at her. He did just as the boy next to me did. By the time the oldest boy had a gun pointed at Melanie, she stopped the car, hitting the brakes extra hard. With a sigh, she untied him and let him drive. They tied our hands to the safety handle above the doors. I shook my head in disappointment at the way we let the get us. We made it too easy for them.
It wasn’t long before they began to try to make conversation with us. The oldest boy, who was driving, asked, “Where are you girls0 from?” None of us answered. He nodded and didn’t try again for several hours. Most of the ride to Missouri was like that.
There was a rumor going around that, if there were any attacks like this, Holly Beach, Louisiana would be completely safe. And so, we were heading down there, but then this came up, and now we weren’t sure where the hell we were going? Suddenly, I had the urge to know who the people who held me captive were. A question bubbled to my lips.
“What’s your name?” the boy next to me was. I looked over at him and narrowed my eyes. This wasn’t going to end well, I could see it now.
“And why do you care if you’re going to kill us?” I asked. He smiled a half smile that, for some reason, took my breath away.
“Who said we were going to kill you?” he asked. “There are things way worse than dieing; things that would make you wish you were dead.” I looked away from him before my anger flared any more than it already had. He poked my side gently with the gun. I looked at him.
“What?” I said harshly. He smiled again. I heard the youngest boy asking Katie questions. She didn’t answer, and neither did Melanie. Taking the role of being the one to break the silence, I answered the next question.
“What’s your name?” he repeated. I closed my eyes and sighed. I could tell I wouldn’t get along with this one.
“Ellie,” I said. He looked at me, and I turned my head to look at him. “But I prefer El.” He nodded and I asked the next question. “What’s yours?”
“Jay,” he said, smiling at his progress. “How old are you?” he asked next. This, I didn’t really want to answer.
“Fifteen,” I said, looking away. He laughed once, and I looked back to him to see what he was laughing about. “What?”
“Oh, nothing; I’m sixteen by the way,” he answered. I nodded once.
“Where you from?” I asked him. He looked out the window, his face melting.
“Iowa,” he said. Katie, who couldn’t keep to herself, turned around and spoke.
“Really?” she asked. “Us too!” he looked at us, his smile reappearing. “I sort of miss it there, but we couldn’t have stayed there. Well, I miss our family the most; I guess we’ll never see them again.” He nodded; I wished she’d just shut up! There was such thing as too much information!
“Yea, especially if they were turned,” he said. Melanie looked back at me and we laughed to ourselves. Katie seemed to remember the same incident where we found mom, because she joined in too. “What?” he asked. I shook my head as if to say nothing. He shrugged and smiled at me; again, that half smile that took my breath away and made my heart stop. I looked away before he noticed that he had that power over me. But, my plan failed, because of my shyness, and he laughed and touched my cheek. Yea, this wasn’t going to be good by the time I got untied.
“So, what’s your friends’ name?” I asked. He kept the smile on his face, so I didn’t look at him.
“They’re actually my brothers; the youngest is Christian, he’s thirteen”—he turned to look at me and smiled—“the oldest is Kendal, he’s twenty”—he looked at me in the mirror, smiled, and winked—“and, well you already know who I am. What about you and your friends?”
“Sisters; I’m the youngest, Melanie is eighteen and the oldest”—she turned to smile at him—“Katie is the middle child, and seventeen,” she turned and smiled at him. We seemed to be getting along very well.
About three hours later, I felt a little nauseous so I closed my eyes and laid my head back on the seat and tried to wait for it to pass…it didn’t.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Thank you! I have to say, Katie isn't all there, but if I ever get around to posting the rest of it, you'll find that out. Also, on the three boys, I'm saving all the juicy details for later, again, if I post the rest, you'd understand.
~xX~♥~Xx~Forsakinshadow~xX~♥~Xx~
Heya there,Sakin! I'm back!
Overall Impression:
I prefer this one to the last one, mimicking Esther in saying that it was better paced. I thought that I got to know your characters more and the story is coming together! Now as like before, let me go into more detail...
Nitpicks and Suggestions:
Character:
Ellie: I've gotten to know her a little more now, but still want to find out more about her. She, in my opinion, is probably more realistic than the other two sisters in the sense that readers can relate to her better than Melanie and Katie. I also find her characteristics very good, but that's just me personally.
Melanie: I also think that she is realistic too, but not right now. I think that she's too depressed but I hope to see more of her next chapter. I think that you could bring her character more to life by changing the way she speaks and her reactions towards things.
Katie: Hmm, I mentioned this earlier on about her characteristics not being totally consistent. If I'm being honest, at one point I thought that she was an Elementary school child. I think that this is because being older should give you more responsibility, but Katie isn't really getting any. She doesn't seem like a good big sister and she doesn't look after Ellie like a sister should.
Jay, Christian and Kendal: I agree with Esther again in saying that these characters are pretty lifeless. I think that you need to somehow incorporate their feeling towards things and their actions towards things to different scenes. And remember: Like all of the characters in your story!
Plot so far:
Generally, the story line is very good. I love the who idea of a population being a majority of zombies to humans. Great! However sometimes, especially during the dialogue, I felt very confused as to why some things were happening. An example of this was when Katie was speaking (I mentioned this above). But really, you don't have to change anything about it.
Wording:
I think that the last chapter was better than this chapter in the sense of the way that you phrased things. Sometimes in this chapter it seemed a little awkward. If you read a story out loud it can help you spot these things. Maybe you could expand on your vocabulary and use a thesaurus to get some more interesting words. I definitely think that the way you wrote this suits the genre of story. This was a great read!
I hope I helped!
~Tamara
Thanks to Prism, I have an awesome new cover! Hope you like! Also, I want to thank you for reading and reviewing. I love to read your comments.
Luffs you all,
~FS~
Hey there! Here's Esther for another review!
I liked this one even better than the first! The pacing is much improved and you capture the dark tone better and more realistically in this one, with only a few errors here and there. Somewhere in this story you put a zero in front of a word, but I cannot find it so try to see it later. Onto the review!
PLOT:
Gosh, the plot is starting to unfold now. I liked the introduction of the new characters a lot, and the overall dark tone isn't too overwhelming like with some horror stories I've read. Do I sense a little tinge of romance as well? Booyah! There isn't really anything wrong with your plot, except with the plot drive. I'll cover that later.
FLOW:
Excellent. The flow here is much better than the flow in the second chapter, but you still have some places where you go a bit too fast. Just when I really want to experience what's going on, you skip to another scene. Put more detail here. For the moment, I feel as if I am watching characters talk in a cloud of darkness; I can't really see the setting. You don't have to go so far as to describe what the insects crawling on the ground look like, but more description would help the flow here. There was a little plot twist that I didn't like and I will point that out. *Spoiler!*
What?! Seriously? You are seriously untying a guy that just attempted to kill you, just because he asked you to? This makes no sense. Your character does not strike me as an idiot, and for her to do something as foolish as this is confusing. To have this twist is fine. It's exciting really. Just make sure to give the character a reason to untie a dangerous person like him. Maybe the guy could lie and say he heard a zombie, and with the character's disorientation, believe him and untie him.
But overall, good job! You capture the fast pace story wonderfully. Seriously, only a few errors here.
CHARACTERS:
Good, good! I would like a little more description for the males though. Right now they are just shapeless forms with dazzling smiles. Also, I would like you to show more emotion for the characters, because right now they don't seem to care if they die or not. I'm sure they do care; obviously! As for Katie's character, try to make her morbidness more believable. There ARE people out there that enjoying killing others, but it is usually for some mental or personal reason. Why is Katie the way she is?
The character interactions were great, too. I enjoyed them all.
OVERALL:
Excellent work again, young writer! You are a good writer and it's difficult to find grammatical errors with your work. Work on making your characters more believable and have more common sense. Ask yourself, "Would my character actually do this?" Also, I think you should describe things a little more, to slow down the rapid pace a little. Other than that, good job. Post more!