Endless Fantasy- Epoch 2 *Edited*

Epoch 2

Among seas of men and animals, all seemed too natural. The smell was like flesh, except unusually more so. The air was filled with flakes of wood, dust, and small bronze specks- rust. Clopping hooves accompanied the “thud” of my heart. Travel sounds have filled my ears too often in life. I’m marching, I remember. I also remember my master, for how could I not?

#FF40FF ">I like the editing you did to this first part. It is all much clearer now. However, I think you switch tenses a bit at the end. You are definitely in past tense until the ‘travel sounds have filled my ears too often’ part. This is fine, since it shows the narrator looking back. But then you say ‘I’m marching, I remember’. Shouldn’t it be ‘I remembered’ since you remembered this back while you were marching? I thought this was the part where you were switching tenses. I might be wrong, though.

Hijmid’s voice was always raspy on the trek between city-states. Through his beard, he would tell me the tall tales and strange facts regarding people and city-states. #FF40BF ">Hm, very picky comment, but it felt like you repeated city-states. Maybe you could substitute the first one with ‘settlements’ or something.

Regarding Thithers, he told me that, #FF40BF ">no comma despite their quick tempers and impatience, it was tradition for them to actually wait under a tree for the first leaf to fall on the first day of winter. His words sunk into my mind.
“… And if it didn’t fall on that day, they would fast and worship Celestius, just in case the universe was out of balance. Fancy that. They’re very wasteful, abnormal folks.” #FF4000 ">interesting

Nothing was normal to him, and so nothing was normal to me. I got to see the worst in everybody through Hijmid’s eyes. Even through his conversations and friendship, he wasn’t much like family. Rather, he was a bit of a teacher. It’s too bad he’s dead. #BF00BF ">Good characterization.

The Thithers didn’t march in any fashion, so I only occupied myself with moving forward. Very little thought was needed so far, which suited me. To pass the time, I reminisced.

In the years of walking I’d spent between city-states#BF40FF "> I‘m being too picky, I know. But I think it would sound smoother like ‘In the years I‘d spent walking between city-states…’- in what, mind you, is called the wilderness- I’ve found that while man rules civilization, beasts do rule everything else#4000FF "> I like this line.. Indeed, compared to beasts, we ruled nothing.

Often, Himid and myself were at the mercy of nature and her underlings. Every whim of deadlier species’ was another danger to be circumvented. Consequently, there were rarely dull moments, despite the longevity of our treks. #4080FF ">You have great vocabulary
Since the normal distance between the clusters of city-states was a thousand miles, it wasn’t unusual to be traveling for over three months. And, during that time, there were at least ninety encounters with higher beasts. That is, one for every day.

Phoenixes came out at night, lighting up the sky. They were so high up, though, that they seemed as fiery, red stars.
Once, however, an older, dying phoenix landed several miles away from Hijmid and myself. Although we were on a crest a few thousand feet in the air, we could still see the flutter of its wings- each over four hundred feet long- as its fire died and it thus fell into inexistence.

“Another priest dead.” Whispered Hijmid, whatever that meant.

On another occasion, Hijmid caught an “Immortal Serpent”, as they are called. This serpent was a long, thick, gray reptile with perfect, pearly white eyes and retractable fangs nearly seven inches long. It was silent and un-poisoned.
Its scales were supposedly made from Aadeel the Just’s fractured armor. Hijmid told me that the Immortal Serpents spawned from the demigod Aadeel’s carcass somewhere in the Tejou Mountains.

According to legend, these gray serpents could only escape through the folds of his armor. And, simply by passing through Aadeel’s armor, they were blessed with impenetrability.#BF40FF "> cool! I like this.

Hijmid and myself proceeded to blaze the Immortal Serpent’s body down into a soupy gray liquid, which we then casted#FF00FF "> I think the past tense of ’cast’ is also ’cast’ into two bowl-shaped stones. Not surprisingly, it behaved much as metal would, seeing as it had passed through Aadeel the Just’s armor. We planned on creating a powerful tool of destruction with the cast liquid.

So, a few months later, we entered a town near Ithni-ashar (Land of the Ithnians), and had a blacksmith weld the two casts together. Between them we fashioned a bronze handle over two feet long. This was Hijmid’s mace, which could never be broken.

If I had Hijmid’s mace with me, I’d bludgeon my way through the whole Thitherian army. Or, at least I’d sell it, to buy my way out.

A splash of water brought me to my senses. Under my boots was a puddle of red and black, swirling water. Surprisingly, no one was taking his fill of its rich contents.

I’d gladly take wilderness water over city water. I always knew to trust nature over man.

So, I stooped low to drink. My hand disturbed the water in a clarifying way; it darkened into a sort of looking glass.

What’s this now? A bit of a face-change- is this?

Instead of my normal, calm face, I beheld a madman. A scruffy chin and moustache brought downward weight to my otherwise serene features. The last thing I noticed was my hair being a reddish yellow, red from the dust, yellow from my birth. Serene and yellow- that’s me.
#FF0040 ">To me, the paragraphs after this point seem to drag. You’ve given us plenty of introduction now, I think, and at this point I’m craving some action. I absolutely love what you have so far, but as I was reading on I couldn’t help but feel it was overkill. Having more meat in a story is always better than not having enough, but you should still aim for the perfect balance x)
Around me were several thousand footmen, a few hundred horsemen, and several thousand captives. I would have been a captive along with them had I not been so clever.

Vaguely, I remembered an old folktale about a thimble-sized man that made his home in a wizard’s hat, unknown to the wizard. This was how I felt. The army was like a perplexing wizard, bobbing this way and that, and changing the world around me. I was essentially homeless.

Thus, I felt strangely disconnected. The sadness of my master’s death, the elation of my freedom, and the unthinking frenzy of my narrow escape left me fazed.

As my stomach began to grumble and my loosely hanging mouth dried under the sun, I quickly regretted masquerading as a Thitherian. Their armor was heavy and their progress through the wilderness was dragging.

At least bandits couldn’t come anywhere near the giant horde of soldiers and lines of slaves. Bandits could only pick off small groups of people, which used to put Hijmid and myself at great risk.

We’d hide ourselves in thickets or large burrows during the night, so that passing bandits wouldn’t see us. If the passing bandits had dogs, we’d pour a mixture of ochre and water over our bodies to mask our scent.

Depressed, I realized that I was living through my memories. I looked around at the drudgery of my current state of life: the marching army, the dusty wilderness. I needed something to look forward to, perhaps even plans for the future. What was there to do, though? I was nearly in a state of boredom.

Maybe I could explore a bit. Perhaps, when I make an escape from this army, I’ll make way to Agathine, the famed marble city. Hijmid told me that anyone could learn a trade there for just seven years of apprenticeship. Or maybe I’ll go to the port-city of Ejfal, where the ships are over two hundred feet long, and slaver crews embark to the islands to find natives to capture and sell. I remember Hijmid saying that some Ejfaline shipmasters hunt the Flesh Atolls- gargantuan, possessed islands. That’d be… interesting.

But for the time being, I could only walk. All of my foresight lay in that next, fatal footfall. There it was again. There it was again! How many steps could I possibly take?

I knew not the reason for these people’s march, but only that the water they possessed was mine, as was their food and shelter.

Convenient. I just might love them for it.

It always seemed that the Thithers were mindless warmongers. In all the stories, these people were the burners of cities and worshippers of the blood god- Homrouani, the brother of Miskouani.

Allegedly, the Thithers had no leader, only religious figures. Temples were the first buildings to be erected in captured city-states. Then again, they rarely captured a city-state, so much as obliterated it.

They were, indeed, bloody, and I knew that my adventures would likely have little to do with them. It seemed wrong, the way they tore apart perfectly good civilizations.

At the time, though, I don’t care much for ethics. All I really want is assurance of escape, whether the next destination is a new city-state for them to attack, or even one of their cities. But what if I escaped now?

I tried wondering how difficult it’d be to make my way from the center of the army to the outskirts for an escape, but my weariness stopped my wondering. I couldn’t wonder, only walk. I wonder when we’ll stop walking.

A mule passed me, carrying half its weight in children. And a woman, clothed like a civilian from the city, led it forward.
As she shouldered her way through the droves of men, then past me, I realized a light haze over her eyes. This haze was somewhat alluring.

This strange person opened her mouth and a voice like flowing water broke forth. Hers was a voice unlike any other.
She had tresses of brown hair and a round face. Her lips were small, nearly inexistent. Her nose was pierced, and adorned with a priceless jewel.

“Happiness is for such as these.” She pointed toward the children riding on the mule, whose noses were similarly pierced.

The mule seemed to succumb to her every wish. It didn’t back away or impose itself, but silently followed. I watched as the haze slowly lifted from her eyes and time froze around us. Her eyes were grayer than granite.

I looked down to realize that her feet weren’t on the ground. She floats!

But then, she was gone, mule and children with her. I wasn’t sure what to think or say. So, I asked the soldier to my right.

“Did you see that?”

“See what?” he returned quietly.

“It was a- a spirit or something.” #FF00FF ">I think an exclamation point would work here. Otherwise, he doesn’t sound very surprised. “It was a spirit or something.’ should be more like ‘It was a- a sprit or something!’

He parted his lips. Both of us stopped, and the crowds moved on past us.

“Was it a woman?” he queried.

I batted my eyes, “It was.”

“And what did she tell you?” he nearly whispered.

“ ‘Happiness is for such as these.’ “ I replied, “What does it mean? She was pointing at kids riding on a mule that she was leading.”

“Are you so sure she wasn’t pointing at the mule?”

I stared at the ground. Chuckling, the soldier moved on. I need something to eat.

Yes. Yesyesyesyes.

So much better. I loved the continuation of the musings on his late master and their exploits together, and the cultural stuff on the Thitherians was awesome.

Here's where I'm going to sound like a complete contradiction though: some of this felt a little too wordy.

The additional stuff was amazing. It really was. It felt much more connected to the last chapter, both in the voice of the narration and the thematic stuff therein. But some of the information felt a bit dumpy. I know I said I wanted more last chapter, but you almost gave us too much.

There's a really fine line between the flashbacks and the present action and this time it almost tilted the other way towards too heavy on the flashbacks. I'd say to add a little more present action to balance it out and break up the flashbacks a bit, or else take out some of the flashbacks. It's a weird balancing act. Last chapter, the balance was awesome. Enough anecdotes to give us a history, but enough action to move the story forward. Here, the flashbacks feel just a little like they are holding the story back.

I mean, how many anecdotes, flashbacks, vague folklore references and cultural information paragraphs do we need? They are all great individually, but too much a good thing can still be bad. Cut some and save it for later? The anecdotes can always come up later.

For example, the Immortal Serpent anecdote. It was great. I loved it. The little comment afterward about the mace was sly and funny and showed us a lot of character insight. But it's several paragraphs long and that's several paragraphs that the main story is not progressing.

Not to mention, the stories he's telling about his master don't sound like he hated being in servitude. Why is he so elated at being free? Was it just the notion of being indentured that bothered him, or was his master not always a nice guy? I don't recall if this was touched on, and so it leaves me wondering just why he is so excited about being free if being a slave wasn't all that bad.

Weird fickle reviewer am I, I know. But I did really like this. A lot. A million times better than last time. I nitpick because I care.

Hope this helped. Feel free to drop me a line with questions or comments! Can't wait for more!

~GryphonFledgling