Here I am again, guys. It's short, I know, but only because it is a small frame of time in which something relatively important happens. Knock yourselves out.
Epoch 2
Among seas of men and animals, all seemed too natural. The smell was like flesh, except unusually more so. The air was filled with flakes of wood, dust, and small bronze specks- rust. Clopping hooves accompanied the “thud” of my heart.
The Thithers didn’t march in any fashion, so I only occupied myself with moving forward. Very little thought was needed so far. Around me were several thousand footmen, a few hundred horsemen, and several thousand captives. I would have been a captive along with them, and I was one mistake away from that tragedy.
I felt strangely disconnected. The sadness of my master’s death, the elation of my freedom, and the unthinking frenzy of my narrow escape left me fazed. As my stomach began to grumble and my loosely hanging mouth dried under the sun, I quickly regretted masquerading as a Thitherian. Their armor was heavy and their progress through the wilderness was dragging.
I tried wondering how difficult it’d be to make my way from the center of the horde to the outskirts for an escape, but my weariness stopped my wondering. I couldn’t wonder, only walk. I wonder when we’ll stop walking.
A mule passed me, carrying half its weight in children. A woman clothed like a civilian from the city led it forward. As she shouldered her way through the droves of men, then past me, I realized a light haze over her eyes. She opened her mouth and a voice like flowing water broke forth.
She had tresses of brown hair and a round face. Her lips were small, nearly inexistent. Her nose was pierced, and adorned with a priceless jewel.
“Happiness is for such as these.” She pointed toward the children riding on the mule, whose noses were similarly pierced.
The mule seemed to succumb to her every wish. It didn’t back away or impose itself, but silently followed. I watched as the haze slowly lifted from her eyes and time froze around us. Her eyes were grayer than granite.
I looked down to realize that her feet weren’t on the ground. She floats!
But then, she was gone, mule and children with her. I wasn’t sure what to think or say. So, I asked the soldier to my right.
“Did you see that?”
“See what?” he returned quietly.
“It was a- a spirit or something.”
He parted his lips. Both of us stopped, and the crowds moved on past us.
“Was it a woman?” he queried.
I batted my eyes, “It was.”
“And what did she tell you?” he nearly whispered.
“ ‘Happiness is for such as these.’ “ I replied, “What does it mean? She was pointing at kids riding on a mule that she was leading.”
“Are you so sure she wasn’t pointing at the mule?”
I stared at the ground. Chuckling, the soldier moved on. I need something to eat.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
You’re right, this is short! Too short, in my opinion. I’d like to see a lot more of the march, whether you’re telling us about the starving slaves they were leading on or how your armor became heavier with every step or the attitudes of the other soldiers, I need to know more. There are just so many more details you can add. Perhaps there were flies buzzing around them, or there was some violence in the crowd between the soldiers and slaves. Were the soldiers on horseback more important, since they didn’t have to walk? Surely there must have been a few conversations your main character listened in on.
This doesn’t have to be a wasted chapter. We’re still new to your world, so you can take this time to slow down and describe some of it.
I like what you have here, though I didn’t understand what the apparition meant by saying ‘happiness is for such as these’. Also, I would’ve thought the soldiers would be more cruel, but the one who spoke in this chapter seemed to be humoring Miska. So if you could clear up either of those things, that’d be great.
Not much else to say since this was so short! A good read, nonetheless. Let me know if you have questions!
Dun dun duuunnnn...
I wasn't as hooked by this chapter as the last one. While the spirit (?) thing was interesting and I want to know what's going to happen with that, but honestly, I didn't feel the same connection to your main character here. He just sort of is there, rather than doing something actively. I want to get inside his head a little more, hear a bit more about his personal situation, maybe a bit about the whole war that's going on right now. There's just... this happening, furthering the plot, but not really doing much else.
You started a nice set-up last chapter, but it needs to follow through a bit more here. We've lost the really cool voice of the last chapter and without it, I don't really have much that I want to be following here. I don't know what exactly is behind these Thitherian attacks and so I'm not sure who's side I'm supposed to be on. I don't know why your character was in servitude or anything really else about him other than that his master is dead and he's free. I want to get attached to this character and I'm not being given much. He's sort of faceless after that initial wonderful musing that I fell in love with last chapter. Flesh him out more! Make us care about this conflict!
Feel free to drop a line if you have any questions!
~GryphonFledgling