i found a note on the wall
the note was in blood
i wounder who wrote it
becouse
there was no name
and all that was said was i'll miss you
so let it be said
i couldnt find my best friend that nigth
and i wish i never did
becouse when i found her
there were two slits on each wrist
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I have to say LizzyG covered almost all I could have said.
What jarred most for me were the spelling errors (I know I have my own -it's why I notice them ^^) and the lack of capitalisation on the 'I's.
On the subject matter, I've seen it before. It was sad, and it was a bit more... "In your face" than some others - but essentially it was a slightly overused look into the sadness associated with suicide.
The way you wrote made the poem a bit choppy. It started and stoped with each staement. Add some more descriptive elements and try to losen up the flow of your writing and you'll be on your way.
It isn't - at all - a completely terrible attempt. Keep at it, I would like to see more.
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
Hmm.. Welcome to YWS 'n' all that. Remeber to make four reviews for each post you make; or round about that.
Now, I have to say I didn't like this piece all that much. The structure was okay, in a way, although you have room for major improvement on this stand. Firstly, you need to use punctuation on at least every two lines - at least. Although, I think this poem would fair better with the odd comma and period/full stop, I believe it would also work well with semi-colons and such, to create dramatic pauses in such a hard hitting poem. Also, think about capitalizing the beginning letters in some of your stanza lines; this will make your work look more professional. This also counts for your I's.
You also have quite a few typos round your stanza. "Wounder" should be "Wonder", "Becouse" should be "Because" and "Nigth" should be "Night". You should proofread your work before you post to not only check for these errors, but to check and make sure that your piece makes sense.
To the actual idea and writing techniques of the poem;
The idea was too bland for me I think. Okay, so the last line adds some impact - that's good - but I think the whole suicide idea has been used too much in poetry. This may just be personal preference, so I suppose you could ignore me on that.
Next, I didn't particularly like the way that you wrote it as such; I'm not sure if you'll understand that, I don't talk much sense. Okay, so you have an idea but the way that you technically structured it wasn't very poetic. I don't mean it needs to have a rhythm, but I think it could at least have a flow to it, which this piece didn't have much of, I'm afraid. Try adding a rhythm and flow to the poem and you'll find that not only will it be easier to read, it will become more like a poem and less like a descriptive piece.
I hope this helps,
GingerLove