Chapter 5: Battle For Commander-Selene

by ForeverWarrior

Published June 6, 2014

12+ Violence

In Z.A.C.

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I step over the threshold into the loud, crammed school. Everyone under eighteen, unless you graduated early, has to go to school. Unfortunately, someone had the nerve to put us all in the same building. At least we're not in the same room.

I push past little 5-year-olds playing tag in the middle of the hall, 6th graders rushing to the elevator because they didn't do their homework and did it in the hall, and a senior. I'm supposed to graduate early this year, even though I'm at risk right now for failing my math class.

I head towards the elevator to get to the sixth floor, and I see the dreaded sign.

OUT OF ORDER

"Oh great," I mumble. I turn and push open the door to the stairs. As I climb, I feel my side start hurting, and grit my teeth.

"Stupid, smart zombie," I groan. After five minutes, I'm on the fourth floor.

"Two more, Selene. Two more. And why is it so hot in here?" I ask, looking around. I sigh, and keep trekking up.

I push open the door to the sixth floor after 10 minutes, and slam it shut. I hear it echo, but it's soon drowned out by the rest of the chatter and commotion of the seniors.

I drag myself to my red locker, and turn the combination. I'm by a window, so I get to see the ruins of the street. I've still got 10 minutes.

"How goes it?" I hear next to me. I turn and see Bellatrix and Mici opening their lockers. We're all graduating this year.

"It goes wonderful, says the girl who walked up 6 flights of stairs and now has a slight ache in her side."

"Why?" Mici says.

"Because I needed the exercise," I growl, cutting my eyes at him. "The elevator was out, you idiot!"

"Yeah, Mici. I thought you knew that," Bellatrix says.

"No, I got here at 5:30."

"I still don't understand why you get here at 5 in the morning just to take an extra class."

"Because I like it. Selene, you could do well to take a math class at 5 in the morning."

"I don't wake up at 5 in the morning, and remember the time you tutored me?"

Mici cringes and Bellatrix laughs. A few months ago, Mici tried to tutor me in math. It didn't work out well.

"I still have a mark in my wall from where you threw that pencil!"

"Because the wall deserved it!" Bellatrix exclaims.

"And besides that, Mici, you're not my father."

Suddenly, the bell's ringing echoes through the hall. I grab my math book, and race down the hall. Bellatrix and Mici follow close behind.

"Pain?" Mici asks.

"Not anymore," I reply.

I burst into Mrs. Gorforth's class, where she's writing something on a dry erase board. It has something to do with calculus I bet.

I hear half the class burst into laughter, while the other half shakes their head.

"Embers, Frost, and Lincoln. Will you please sit down. And get to class on time for once!" she explodes as I turn my back, roll my eyes, and walk to the back of the class. I fall into my seat, Mici and Bellatrix on either side.

"Anyway, back to the lesson. Calculus is a wonderful thing..." she drones on. I instantly tune out, letting my mind wander. I look at the front of the room and spot Dajen. He's got a black eye, I can tell. It must have spread over a night because it's on the bone too.

I flash back to the hospital. I know that Dajen practically hates my guts, but I never thought that he'd go as far as to leave me to die. I got info that was priceless. I almost died, but that wasn't the point. Dajen would be throwing a party if I died.

I get shocked back into reality when I hear my name. "Miss Embers, will you answer the question?" Mrs. Gorforth asks. I don't know anything about what she just said.

"45 degrees," I mumble. People laugh.

"Maybe next time you'll actually pay attention to the lesson next time instead of being so absorbed in your thoughts. Care to share?" she asks.

"No."

"I'd bet that she's thinking about her dead father," Dajen says. The entire room goes silent because everybody in my class- or anyone who knows me, for that matter- knows that whatever you say, you don't speak of my father.

"Shut up," I whisper.

"Go ahead Selene. Tell us what it was about. How he fell off the mountain? How bad his body was dismembered? Or was it about how you almost joined him yesterday?" he says.

I burst from my seat.

"Shut your mouth you freaking idiot!" I scream in the middle of the classroom.

"Miss Embers!" Gorforth hisses, but I'm not comprehending. Dajen set me off, and that was a very bad idea. I'm already walking towards his desk.

Unfortunately, I inherited my father's temper.

"You want another black eye? I can make it match your first one that Mark gave you when you tried to leave me at the hospital!" I shout.

"Miss Embers!" Gorforth yells.

"Go ahead, Selene. You couldn't touch me if you tried," Dajen growls. He pushes me away. I reach out and grab his shirt, pulling him up.

"You just made an awful mistake," I yell. I swing, but it only grazes his jaw. I'll swing better next time.

Dajen isn't afraid to fight dirty, and I just happen to get the bad end of it with a boot in the stomach.

Bad news is that I'm not either.

I hit the whiteboard and breathe deep.

"Alright, I'm ticked!" I shout.

I push off of the whiteboard and leap towards Gorforth's desk. She's scared to death, nobody's stopping either of us, Dajen and I don't care, and all I can see is red.

I push off Gorforth's desk and kick straight in the stomach. Dajen doubles, and I grab his hair, pulling his face down to meet my stomach. I smash my knee into his face.

I'm caught off guard when searing pain rips through my leg. I step backwards, and I suddenly notice the glint of a blade. I smile.

"You are dirty, Dajen Deacon."

"And you aren't?" he asks.

He races towards me, the knife raised. I duck as he brings it towards me, but I'm not fast enough to escape a nick on my forehead. I backup, which gives me time to rest. I lick my lip and taste blood.

"Had enough?"

"Never!" I shout. I throw myself back into the fight, running towards Dajen.

I throw myself into the air again, narrowly avoiding a knife swing. When Dajen's knife arm is up, I plant my foot onto the desk to my right and vault off, kicking the wrist. The knife soars out of Dajen's hand and into the back row where Mici reaches out and catches it. He hands it to Bellatrix who throws it into the whiteboard where calculus is written. It hits the middle c.

I throw my hand onto the desk where my foot is, throw my foot onto the desk next to me, and flip. I land lightly on my feet. Dajen races towards me, and I swing between the two desks. I put my legs out straight.

He runs right into my feet and I hear a solid smack of my feet against his torso. He slides backwards, and I stand up. I have just enough time to smile with a thumbs up when two of Mainy's goons drag me into the hallway. I hear screeching from Gorforth about taking me out of her class forever and failing me. Not exactly a worry since I was already failing her class anyway. They let me go, and I instantly blurt, "He provoked me and pushed me. I did nothing wrong."

"I know. You did everything right," Mainy says. She opens the door again. "Deacon!"

He walks out, and I realize just how big of a number Mark and I did on him. Oh well.

"You both show potential in being great commanders, despite Sargent Embers' rash action a few minutes ago, even though Lieutenant Deacon started the fight."

"But Selene has never led," Dajen starts.

"Last night. The hospital. She protected valuable secrets and information that can save lives. She protected the others in her group. She has shown that she can lead well."

"Thank you," I say.

"You both will be competing from now on. One of you will command your own elite task force. The other will serve on that task force. Understand?"

"Yes."

"You will see war, loss, death, and pain. You both know how to handle that well. This will just be on a larger scale. Before you go, say goodbye to those whom you love. We will be waiting."

I open the door to the classroom. I see Bellatrix and Mici waiting for me, and I walk over.

"Say your goodbyes. You will not see Miss Embers for two weeks."

"What's going on?" Mici asks. He hugs me tight.

"I'm not sure," I say.

"They can't exile you for yesterday or just now."

"You'll be the first to know."

Bellatrix grabs me and pulls me in.

"See you in two weeks."

I feel a hand on my shoulder. "Embers, it's time to go." A guard.

I wrench my shoulder free of his hand. "I don't need your escort." I'm growling, and I don't care one bit about it either. If I'm gonna leave, I'll walk out by myself.

I feel the tears on my cheeks, and I blink them back.

Don't collapse. Not in front of them.

I walk out and follow Mainy out of the school. We walk the few steps to get back into Z.A.C., which is right next door. I'm not going to cry.

If beating Dajen is something I have to do to see the people I love, then this'll be easy.

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
JayeCShore
Review
JayeCShore wrote a review Review · Jun 29, 2014

Hi, J.C. here for a review!

I step over the threshold into the loud, crammed school. Everyone under eighteen, unless you graduated early, has to go to school. Unfortunately, someone had the nerve to put us all in the same building. At least we're not in the same room.

I push past little 5-year-olds playing tag in the middle of the hall, 6th graders rushing to the elevator because they didn't do their homework and did it in the hall, and a senior. I'm supposed to graduate early this year, even though I'm at risk right now for failing my math class.

I head towards the elevator to get to the sixth floor, and I see the dreaded sign.

I push open the door to the sixth floor after 10 minutes, and slam it shut. I hear it echo, but it's soon drowned out by the rest of the chatter and commotion of the seniors.

I drag myself to my red locker, and turn the combination. I'm by a window, so I get to see the ruins of the street. I've still got 10 minutes.


That was a long quote, I know, but I have to illustrate a major mistake I've noticed trending through this chapter. 1) You start a lot of your paragraphs, and sentences, the same. This is never a good thing. Even if the thoughts are different, the same word(s) will stand out in the reader's mind and cause a disruption. 2) You're writing, while explaining the details of what is transpiring, comes across a step-by-step manual. "I did this. Then I did this. Then I did this." Rather, a writer should seek to explain things in a such a way that the reader will come to their own conclusions of what is happening, without ever being told it's happening.

"It goes wonderful, says the girl who walked up 6 flights of stairs and now has a slight ache in her side."

"Why?" Mici says.

"Because I needed the exercise," I growl, cutting my eyes at him. "The elevator was out, you idiot!"


This part of the dialogue just doesn't make sense. Selene gets mad and insults Mici because he asked a one word, purely logical question. Of course, Selene is probably irritated after being forced to walk up all those stairs, but then she would or should apologize, or Mici would be upset about it all and retaliate. Just something important to think about while writing dialogue and character interaction.

I throw myself into the air again, narrowly avoiding a knife swing. When Dajen's knife arm is up, I plant my foot onto the desk to my right and vault off, kicking the wrist. The knife soars out of Dajen's hand and into the back row where Mici reaches out and catches it. He hands it to Bellatrix who throws it into the whiteboard where calculus is written. It hits the middle c.

I throw my hand onto the desk where my foot is, throw my foot onto the desk next to me, and flip. I land lightly on my feet. Dajen races towards me, and I swing between the two desks. I put my legs out straight.


And once again, we have the step-by-step instructions of what's happening. Especially during action scenes, this sort of writing is entirely un-entertaining. It doesn't grip the reader, it doesn't intrigue them. It's just reading history.

I apologize if it seems that I have nothing good to say about this chapter, but honestly, I did not enjoy reading it all that much. Of course, it must be remembered that each person has their own preference, so that will always play a huge part in what a reader likes and dislikes. But at the same time, I feel that this chapter is lacking much in elegance and prose. Potential, though. It's unique in its story so far.

Thank you ForeverWarrior!

- JC -


#TheFaultInOurReviews

Have you read the other chapters leading up to this?

User avatar
wtppowers
Review
wtppowers wrote a review Review · Jun 7, 2014

Hello, pal! Mr. Powers here for another fun-filled review!
I'll admit that I'm just jumping in here, I've never read the first four chapters. Let me explain to you all the flaws before I explain all the positive points.
In the second paragraph, you say "...homework and did it in the hall, and a senior." That's a bit confusing. There was just one senior in the hall? Also, instead of saying "even though I'm at risk right now for failing my math class", I'd try to shorten that to "even though I'm at risk of failing math". When you say "the dreaded sign", I'd put a colon at then end of that.
When Mrs. Gorforth asks the late students to "please sit down", shouldn't there be a question mark? Because you did add the "Will you".
That fight scene was epic. I enjoyed that. The dialogue is a bit cheesy, but then again, you did put the 12-year old warning on this, so...
Anywho, the good news is, I liked it. Granted, I haven't read the first four chapters, but I just might go do that. Keep up the writing!

Thanks a lot! I made a typo with the sit down line so I'll fix that.



No person can be a great leader unless he takes genuine joy in the successes of those under him.
— W. A. Nance