Chapter One
Marissa
My thoughts were interrupted by a sudden blast of heat. The thermometer was just mildly hot, and then changed quickly, much to fast for any weather.
At that moment, my mother then went into the nice, cool, air conditioned house where she and my 2 year old sisters could stay cool.
My focus went back to the street. It was quieter than before and nobody was around. Other than a girl who stood on the sidewalk staring at me.
Obviously I was hallucinating, for the girl who had pink hair that curled and went down to her shoulders, had appeared just after the tempature went up. She stood barefoot, even on the hot pavement road. Seconds later, the girl had already sprinted towards me and was now standing at my feet.
“Get up and follow me. You are not safe here,” she said, turning around and waiting for me to follow.
“Why? I don’t even know you, and you expect me to follow you?” I asked her.
She rolled her eyes. “We don’t have time for these silly games! We need to leave, now!”
I shook my head. “What is the big deal? You’re some random pink haired chick that’s trying to get me away from something that ‘exists’.”
She rolled her eyes. “If you don’t come with me, you and your family will die.”
Before I could respond to her, a blue light shot down from the sky, into the middle of the street. It smoked, and then a blue figure stepped out of the dusty air, and I couldn't regain focus to the girl.
“Okay, now you have to come with me!” she said, grabbing my wrist. The blue figure saw us, grinned, and disappeared instantly. The girl gasped, then dragged me to the corner. By that time, I'd regained my focus enough to run. I didn't really want to follow her.
She constantly flicked her head back to see if I ditched her. I wish I had the guts.
By the time we reached the park, the air felt cooler, and there was no sign of anybody but the girl and myself. We both sighed deeply, before she spoke again.
“I know this is sudden, but you have to trust me unless you feel like dying.” She said, her brown eyes looking slightly pleading, yet forceful.
“I really have no choice, though.”
“No. Because I don’t think you want to die. If you do, you can leave. If you don’t, you stay.”
“Of course I’m going to stay.” I told her, relief flooding into her eyes.
“We’ll need to shelter. We can’t stay in the open or they’ll find us.”
I nodded briefly before we set out for a camp. Marissa went into the forest preserve, while I checked the feilds.
“This is it!” she yelled loud enough so I could hear.
She was standing in front of a tree. Was she crazy?
“A tree? You want us to fit in a tree and hide there?” she sighed deeply. “You don’t understand. We’ll obviously have to use a spell. Are you that stupid?” she asked.
“No! I just never thought I was a wizard.” I said, looking intelligent. She slapped her forehead.
“We’re not wizards’ smart one! We’re Natties. The children of Mother Nature.”
I looked at her like a child to his mother. “Yeah, okay, but don’t go forcing me to do magic, since we clearly aren’t wizards…”
“Just because we aren’t wizards doesn’t mean we can’t do spells!” she sighed. “Just imagine you were the size of a leaf, okay? Can you handle that? Or do I need to tell you what a leaf is?”
I glared at her. “Just to let you know, This has been what heck of a day since you appeared so I’d appreciate it if you’d wait a bit for it to soak in.” I said, shutting my eyes.
I shut them only for a moment, imagining a leaf tumbling on the ground in the fall. I could feel grass around me, brushing against my face as the wind blew, and it felt stronger than it did only a few minutes ago. When I forced my eyes open, the grass was like a jungle. The only way I could tell where I was, happened to be the girls' hair. She stepped forward to where I could see her. "The tree is where we'll find protection. For now, that's all we have." she told me, her voice a little annoyed. She turned back to the tree, and walked forward. Before I could lose her, I plowed my way through the grass.
At the base of the tree, there was a small crack, possibly an abandoned animal burrow. The girl crawled inside, and I followed close behind.
When I crawled inside, she was mouthing words. Then, forming in her cupped hands, formed a small golden flame. It lit the tree up, but didn't seem to mind the wing blowing in from where we came. which didn’t help the heat.
I looked at the gaze of the girl, her eyes like a mirror to the dancing flame. Then she looked up at me, slightly curious. She spoke gently, in a sweet tone which she hadn't used before."I don't think I've introduced myself, have I?"
I shook my head. She blinked blankly before speaking again.
"My name is Marissa Nature. Pure Mother Nature daughter. And I already know who you are."
"You do? How would you kn-"
"You have a father. That abandoned you. Well, that father gave you the Nattie gift."
"My father? Why should I care about my father? He abandoned my mother and my sisters. He doesn't care about us."
"He didn't care because he cared."
"That doesn't make sen-"
"Yes it does. He gave up your mother, your sisters, and you, all because he wanted you to be away from the Nattie life. He's been protecting you for a long time, Zach."
"Protect me? From what?"
"The Nattie lifestyle isn't all spells and magic. It's very dangerous. There are beings from other planets that could freeze your skin, sometimes forever. We have creatures in our world that are myths to mortals, but our worst enemy. Some they've haven't heard of yet. He wanted to keep you away from these dangers, because he loved you. He, like all Natties, would die for mortals. Even the hated ones."
I sighed. Now that Marissa explained it, it made more sense. He wasn't so bad.
"My mother, Mother Nature, she has a half brother, named Geo." she randomly started, "Geo came looking for her, to bring her home. She refused, her own planet could not live without her. So Geo left Earth. For centuries, Geo left us alone. But by going away, he rounded other aliens, the Jolsena, and took them. They lived on Pluto. Pluto had life and was said not to be a planet because the Jolsena were taken. If he finds Mother Nature, the same will happen to us. Mass chaos, no food, nothing." she explained. Her eyes clouded up with tears slightly. "What if the Jolsena are too strong? They'll fight with their lives to get the planet back. What if it all goes away?" she said, her voice pleading and helpless.
She didn't speak to me for the rest of the night. She had fallen asleep next to the fire, which was dimming by the hour. I couldn't help but get tired myself. The sun sat at the bottom of the sky and questions were swarming my mind.
Was this mortal life I'd lived a lie?
Should the Nattie life had been mine instead?
Did I do the right thing, because, I don't know who I am anymore.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Thanks guys. I really appreciate this, and I just edited it. Thanks for the feedback. I know its still not good, but I did as much as I thought of. I'm way ahead of the story in my head then I have written.
All in all, I wasn't too impressed with this piece. It reads like it could be powerful and compelling, but as it stands now, it's just awkward. It moves too fast, and the language is too simplistic. Now, this doesn't mean you should describe every little detail with lots of big words and spend four chapters just about her daily life before the action begins, but my point still stands.
While reading, I felt like I was reading a movie script. The actions were described in a detached, emotionless way, as if the narrator doesn't really care about what's happening to him. And if he doesn't care, why should the reader? The reader expectations are even bigger since you're using first person. You need to get deeper into it. Use similes and metaphors It also seemed to jump around between completely unrelated things, especially at the beginning. First it's him sitting on the lawn, then it's the heat wave, then it's his mom, then it's onto the girl, all without much (if any) transition between them.
There were also loads of redundant words and phrases throughout the text that slowed down the action. The biggest offenders were, by far, adverbs. Adverbs should be used sparingly in fiction, and only when they're needed to capture the meaning of a sentence. I'll point out some examples later on.
Lastly, realism. I'm not about to get on your case for having magic and aliens, but even fantasy should still make sense. Zach's reaction to Melissa's words and actions seems completely forced and stilted. His disbelief seems to only take the form of cliche phrases
The first sentence, honestly, should be removed. It doesn't do anything to set the mood and just makes the jump to the heat wave scene jarring. I also don't think that mentioning the exact degree
"Sweat poured off my brow at an even faster rate, stinging my eyes. I looked at the thermometer and saw the mercury surging skyward like magma up a volcano."
The "and not as hot" is totally redundant. You've already said "cold".
What's so odd about it? Anyone can dye their hair.
Meh, there are a lot of things hotter than cement.
Why is this sentence here? It doesn't add anything. If you must keep it, just know that it should be, "Though I'd never tried it."
Revisions in bold. Spoken words should end with a comma if there's a "he/she/it said" after it, and the he/she/it shouldn't be capitalized.
"I questioned her" makes it seem like he's a cop and she's a witness to a crime. I would go without the dialogue tag completely. And for someone strapped for time and in a life or death situation, she sure is being wordy. I'd go for something like, "We don't have time for this! You're in mortal danger! Let's move!".
Also, the "sighed bitterly" and "huffed" really don't fit the mood here. Any kind of "sigh" is best for quiet moments (and also best avoided, in my opinion), and "huffed" is for if she were be sarcastic or something.
Describe the event more. How does it affect the world around it? Does it leave a crater in the street? Does it blind Zach? Does it create a gust of wind? How do Zach and the girl react? Does Zach stare, transfixed, while the girl tugs at his arm, screaming for him to run?
How very threatening. I wish all randomly appearing monsters disappeared as soon as they saw me. It'd do wonders for my dry-cleaning bills.
In all seriousness, this scene has the potential to be very powerful, but you're not realizing it. Show us the girl's fear. Show her glancing at the sky, worried that the light will come down.
The "yet" suggests that Zach expected the cooler air to bring out more people, which doesn't really make much sense. Split it into two sentences.
Try to talk and inhale at the same time. The sound produced is not decipherable. I do that when I want to freak out my dog. Plus, if he's asking a question, there should be a question mark.
Haha, nice.
Yet another missed opportunity. This guy has never used magic before. What does it feel like? Does invoking nature magic make the air smell like pine needles, or fill his ears with the sounds of rustling leaves? Also, what kind of leaf was he imagining himself the size of if the grass is like a jungle to him? A black spruce needle?
Should be "abandoned". Also, I'm imagining they've shrunk to somewhere between half an inch and a centimeter high. What is she using for fuel for the fire? There isn't anything small enough that would burn for any length of time.
Also, in an animal burrow under a tree, it would likely be quite cool, as cold air sinks, and it probably doesn't get much sunlight in it.
I fail to see how this somehow answers everything. Why didn't his father want them to be away from the "Nattie" lifestyle?
There are more things like that, those are just the most egregious examples. Just try to think this stuff through.
-Merlin34
this is good but try and do seperate lines when ever some talks e.g
"hey get back here!" Bob yelled
"No!" Cindy yelled back
every time some one new talks do a new line i saw a few times you didn't do this also keep an eye on your spellings just a few slip ups no big deal really. try not to make your sentences too long either add commas overall i think it's good and you should crry on with this!
Well, this sounds interesting, but it does move quite fast... slow it down a bit.
Even though he does resist the girl with the pink hair somewhat, I think the main character should be more disbelieving towards her.
I really like the term, "Natties," did you make that up yourself? It's pretty cool!
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TabbyGirl