The Feeling of Summer
A tingling sensation ran up my spine
As he pulled me into his arms for a dance
The gentle melody making us sway.
My heart drummed in my ears
As I looked into his dark brown eyes
The moment feeling so perfect, so right.
I could not hear the music,
Nor the words that came from my lips.
All I could hear was his warm, gentle voice
Telling me how he felt about me.
I closed my eyes, holding onto the moment,
Never wanting to let it go.
The music slowly fades and we linger
In the center of the dance floor,
Looking up at his shining face and feeling
A thrill rush through me as he brings me into his arms.
My heart pounds as I smell the amazing scent
Masked in his blue and white striped shirt.
My head rests on his shoulder and I feel a twinge of regret
Run through my veins as he pulls away,
But butterflies dance in my stomach
As his warm, gentle finger pushes back a stray blond hair
Behind my flushed ear. I can’t breathe. A pinch myself,
Pain running through my arm to see if it’s a dream. Its not.
It seemed as if summer had finally arrived
After the long months of winter.
My heart raced as his lips brushed my cheek.
I sunk into an everlasting dream,
Closing my eyes and hoping the feeling
Would never disappear.
The Icy Knife
I couldn’t believe the stabbing pain,
The silent cracking of my heart,
The furious heat that was rising
Inside of me.
I felt as if I could have died
A million deaths
The moment he said we were done.
“Let’s just be friends…”
The words still hung in the air
Growing more painful by the second.
Tears slowly flowed from my eyes
But I assured him I was fine
How could he tell whether I was lying or not
From over the phone?
Memories flashed in front of my eyes
Burning in my mind
Like a hot forest fire eating away the evergreens
As if it had only been yesterday
When we had danced
And he had assured me
That he had felt something too.
Chills ran through my body
As I began to shiver, wanting
To be whole once more.
It felt as if he had plunged
A cold knife into my soul
Not caring how I was breaking inside
Not knowing he had taken my heart with him.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
sorry I spelled something wrong in the last post I made!!!
~Pixie2~
I love it!!! Made me shivver. I love that poem so much. It tells me a story,a nd tells me the girl is starstruck from this boy, and tells me that she has a true love, but at the end its over and that made me feel a coldness inside me. It is very details and it showed me how the girl is feeling. It gave me touch and love also. I love it so much, this hould me published and you should grow up to be a poet also. You have a great poem here. Awsome job, Keep it up!!!
~ Pixie2~
I vote, turn in the second piece. The first one is okay, but I feel the second is better. I love the line "the silent cracking of my heart," that's great. Only thing is, I'd suggest removing the line "Let's just be friends..." You could probably just start that stanza with the next line, because we would at least get the sense that he just said something like that, even if we don't know EXACTLY what he said.
As for the first, watch out for tense changes - you start off in past tense then switch to present tense - and cliches (the butterflies in the narrator's stomach).
Overall, good job! Keep writing!
~Blue