Young Writers Society

Forestqueen808 wrote:This is a novel I someday intend to publish, so please no stealing! #FF0000 ">Well, I'm not offended in the least.

Prologue

Snow began to fall gently on the soft blanket of green grass, making the air turn slightly #FF0000 ">Snow doesn't turn air cold. The cold air makes the snow. cold. “Thank you for coming Tempono,” a gentle #FF0000 ">comma sweet voice whispered.
“It was my duty, but where are the others?” the woman named Tempono asked.
“I’m here,” a stinging #FF0000 ">commas before buts. but warming voice replied. A sudden flaming warmness #FF0000 ">is this a hot-hot flame, or a warm, gentle flame? Warmness implies the latter, but the 'sudden' implies the former at the same time. spread through the air, melting away the thin blanket of snow.
“Vulkun, finally you have arrived, have you brought Ozean?”
“I am here,” rain began to fall gently as she spoke. #FF0000 ">I'm going to copy-paste the exact same thing I did to the last person who didn't follow dialog tags.
“Please stop the rain Ozean,” the woman named Vulkun scolded, flinching a slight bit as the drops hit her lightly. With that, the rain ceased and all was silent.
“We are missing one,” the first woman said, looking around.
“I’m sorry #FF0000 ">comma Cisne,” a voice panted and appeared yet another woman.
“It’s all right Verdo,” the first woman named Cisne smiled #FF0000 ">the 'women named...' is getting a tad bit annoying. The moon came from behind the clouds right then and the five women’s features finally revealed themselves. #FF0000 ">so was it the light of the moon or their features that revealed the women? It sounds like an obvious question, but the wording of it implies that the women's features revealed the women.
The last woman to arrive was dressed in a green silk dress that glowed with light as the moon shone on the thin fabric made from silkworms #FF0000 ">because we all care about where her clothing was made from. Try to only put things that readers would actually care about. You don't see readers ask J.K. Rowling where Hermione bought her clothes.. Her russet #FF0000 ">what is russet? You might think you're being so unique by using words that aren't in a common person's dictionary, but when you're describing someone, it would get really annoying for me to have to look up what 'russet' meant to get the full image.hair fell down her back with grace and green vines twisted around her hands and arms like gloves.
Vulkun was dressed in a dress of flaming red satin, it seemed to glow like fire around her and her short firey red hair licked her neck like flames. Her eyes gleamed like blue fire in the moonlight and the color seemed to dance with spirit. #FF0000 ">Okay, now you're just dumping information on us.
Ozean, a woman slightly taller than the rest wore a flowing blue dress, which sleeves drooped beneath her wrist and a train ran from behind her #FF0000 ">so this woman is a train station?, almost like the ocean, lapping at the grass. Her hair was up in a bun with ripples of blond hair licked at her cheeks like the ocean lapping at the shore. #FF0000 ">the ocean. So far, all I got was that this woman is a train station that looked like the ocean. You overused the 'like an ocean'. The ocean does many more things than 'lapping'. Her posture was straight and she seemed slightly more graceful than the rest also.
The second one to arrive was dressed in a white dress with fur around her neck and sleeves, covering most of her bare skin. Her nearly white wispy hair blew behind her in strands, and her eyes were full of gentle coldness, almost welcoming after a hot summers day. #FF0000 ">by this time, I neither cared or remembered the order of when they arrived. I get that you're trying to convey their elements, but this is the most boring and ineffective way to do it.
The first woman was glorious off all #FF0000 ">the most glorious of them all. Her blond hair was in braids, falling down her front and was in a glittering silver and gold dress. Her face was slightly flushed, but full of authority. Her eyes were amazing blue and every once and a while you could see a rainbow flash through the light black pupil. #FF0000 ">So suddenly, we're in the story too? And what is 'light black'? I thought black was associated with dark. Could it possibly be...GREY? Could she possibly be the leader? The leader that everyone enjoys and respects?
“Cisne,” Vulkun whispered. “Why did you call for us?”
The leader Cisne looked down and then met Ozean’s eyes. Ozean’s eyes fell and tears fell slightly down her face.
“There has been…some complications,” Cisne whispered. #FF0000 ">why are they whispering?
Ozean burst into tears and fell onto the ground crying #FF0000 ">like the ocean . “Oh Cisne, I shouldn’t have done it, I should have set a better example for my younger sisters…”
“Ozean has…has had a child with a mortal,” Cisne sighed.
“I shouldn’t have done it! Oh what do I do? If Azul ever finds out-” she couldn’t finish #FF0000 ">new sentence she shook as her tears fell onto the grass, glistening like fresh dew drops. #FF0000 ">You read Twilight? You know those irritating parts where Smeyer describes the most useless things just for the sake of showing off? Yeah...
“It’s going to be okay #FF0000 ">the commas problem is killing the story...Ozean,” Vulkun whispered but Cisne kept quiet.
“What are we going to do Cisne #FF0000 ">they're going to do Cisne? Commas can mean all the difference.?” Vulkun asked, Cisne didn’t lift her head to look at the firey woman #FF0000 ">Yeah, Vulcan, volcano, fiery. We get it! What would happen if I start describing this pink elephant? I refused to look at the pinkness of the pink elephant. He was good at dancing. He danced around all over the paper, showing off his pinkness. He was very pink. You get it, now? .
“Cisne! What are we going to do?”
“We’ll sentence the baby to death,” Cisne whispered quietly. #FF0000 ">Why don't they just abort it?
The crying went silent and everyone stared at the glorious woman. “What?” Ozean whispered, her lip trembling.
“He’s half mortal, he’s not like the others who will take his place,” Cisne pointed out.
“But Cisne! How can you be so cruel?” Vulkun cried out in protest. “He’s a baby! So what if he’s half mortal? He’ll just be an Mage #FF0000 ">an mage?!”
“Don’t kill him Cisne!” Ozean pleaded. “Please, let’s take him to Richard, please.”
“See? She still remembers that mortal’s name!” Cisne spat.
“He’s Josh’s father!” Ozean whispered #FF0000 ">whispered? Why would you bring up the name of the child to the person who wants to kill him?. Cisne stared straight and coldly at Ozean.
“You named that half mortal?” Cisne’s teeth seemed to bared.
“Of course she did Cisne #FF0000 ">She did Cisne?! It’s her son just as much as it is Richard’s!” Tempono pleaded with Ozean.
“I can’t believe you Ozean, you’re a disgrace, you should be banished!” Cisne raised her voice. Harshness that was unbelievable in the words. #FF0000 ">What does that sentence even mean?
“No Cisne!” Vulkun lunged for Cisne, tackling her to the ground. Gasps rose from the bystanders as they saw Cisne kicking and clawing at Vulkun. Vulkun winced slightly whenever Cisne’s nails dug into her flesh #FF0000 ">This doesn't sound like how a catfight should be..
“Cisne! How can you be doing this?” Vulkun growled. That was when she suddenly noticed that Cisne’s eyes weren’t their regular astonishing blue, they were blood red.
Vulkun got off of Cisne and backed away quickly. “She’s been taken over, hurry! We have to help her!”
Cisne glared at them with her red eyes, glistening like a fresh pool of blood. “Ozean…” Cisne said, breathing raggidly. “You betrayed us!” she lunged at Ozean but Vulkun stepped in front of her sister and placed her hands out in front of her.
Fire spurted from her hands, making Cisne cringe against the heat. Cisne growled and water leapt from her hand, making Vulkun fall to the ground motionless.
“How dare you!” Tempono hissed #FF0000 ">I dare you to hiss that sentence. Yeah, I thought so.and lunged for Cisne, the coldness making the evil woman fall to her knees.
Cisne glanced up with her blood red eyes into Tempono’s and smield #FF0000 ">I love this new word! We should have national Smield Day!cruelly. All you could #FF0000 ">Because we're in the story, right?hear was an ear piercing scream before Tempono fell to the ground, fire burning on her hands.
Ozean growled, and lunged for Cisne, tackling her to the ground. She struggled with Cisne and looked into her eyes.
“You will not touch my son!”
“Ozean!” A small, gentle voice spoke and Ozean and Verdo turned to see, none other but Cisne.
“Cisne? But you’re…” Ozean trailed off and looked at the woman beneath her. The blond braids had changed into ratty crow black and the red eyes seemed to be charcoal black #FF0000 ">red seemed to be black? Unless you have a different definition for red and black...>.>.
“Oscuro,” Ozean breathed and quickly got off of the dark woman in fear.
“Yes, Ozean, and I will make sure none of your children will be able to see you, not ever. Not even when they turn the precious thirteen #FF0000 ">and your little dog too!,” the woman named Oscuro cackled and suddenly, she was gone. #FF0000 ">OH MY GOD! Is this the evil person? How could she be so evil like that? She, like, totally took her baby away! Buahaha.


Two years passed, and Ozean had let the child go to his father, Richard. But now, two years later, Vulkun, Ozean, Verdo, and Tempono were heavy with immortal children.
“Cisne, the time is near,” Vulkun said to the glorious light bringer.
“I know Vulkun, but I have watched the stars, and I know what is to happen in a matter of days.”
“What do you mean?” Ozean looked into Cisne’s eyes. Tears were already piling in the ocean eyes, almost as if she knew she would have to give away another child.
“Ozean, I’m sorry. You have gone through this before, but…Oscuro will be back, and I have seen our future.”
“But…But we can’t die!” Verdo whispered. “We’re immortal aren’t we?”
Cisne shook her head and sighed, “I’m sorry Verdo, but Oscuro has grown stronger. Even now I can sense darkness in the air. We must let our children go to mortal parents and live a mortal life.”
“But what if Oscuro isn’t defeated? What if…What if she awakens their immortal soul?” Tempono whispered, clutching her ripe belly.
“I’m sorry Tempono, I really am. I will send Elaine to give them homes. I promise, it will be alright.”
The four expectant mothers had tears running down their faces. Each tear landing on the grass, shining like a star, and knew, they’re fate was sealed, while their children’s were not. #FF0000 ">this whole other part was extremely boring. I skimmed it to the end, and caught death and such. Shouldn't they be doing something about the 'big bad evil person' during those two years instead of getting knocked up and having kids?

Haya forest.

Only two things bothered me:

Two years passed, and Ozean had let the child go to his father, Richard. But now, two years later, Vulkun, Ozean, Verdo, and Tempono were heavy with immortal children.

“What do you mean?” Ozean looked into Cisne’s eyes. Tears were already piling in the ocean eyes, almost as if she knew she would have to give away another child.

Sorry, but I actually found this a bit confusing. Fortunately it's an easy diagnosis. You've introduced too many characters in too short a space of time. As a result when reading it, I kept getting mixed up who is who.

To your credit, you've at least defined Cisne, Ozean and Vulkun with personalities, which doesn't often happen with rapid fire introductions. I feel as though they're the only characters that actually have a purpose in the scene though. The others are merely bystanders, and in fact, I can't even remember their names.

I can see two easy (or maybe not) ways to fix this. Firstly you could make a new scene or two that introduces the characters more slowly. Perhaps you could do one scene involving Ozean and Richard and their child, and one of Oscuro plotting. That way once you get to this scene the two main ones will already be well defined.

The other option is to cut and combine some characters so that you only have the minimum required for the story. Of course I can't say whether ot not the minor characters will be necessary later on or not. They could still be absent from this scene though.

I did like the names too. They've got that fantasy feel without being a jumble of letters with a few apostrophes thrown in. I did stumble on Cisne, (how do you pronounce that anyway?) but Ozean and Vulkun are brilliant names.

Another problem I see is starting with physical descriptions. They are necessary, but when you have paragraphs of decribing character after character it becomes a little boring (which is another reason to not introduce many characters at the same time).

I'm sure there's a lot more to this story than I'm seeing. It's just hard to take it in when you're already struggling with all these character names. The human mind can only process so much information in a given amount of time. Keep that in mind if you choose to edit this.