We were both children when,
So full of innocence,
We used to play our games in flowery fields
“Ya, Ji Hansol! You’re walking too fast!” I panted as I try
to keep up with an 11-year-old Hansol. We’re racing up to the hill and damn,
even though we’re both children, he packed a lot of energy and strength to
those legs.
He
turned around and made a show of running with his back facing the top of the
hill, a relaxed smile carefully painted on his lips. No words came out from his
mouth as he watched me trudge up and chase him.
Arriving
on top of the hill, both of us were greeted by a wide expanse of grassy field,
inviting us to its warm and welcoming embrace. Cool breeze howls around the
hill, enveloping the whole surroundings with a calming echo. Hansol’s quiet
voice hummed like a soft whisper as we lay upon the grass and stare at the blue
sky. “You lost. Again. That’s the fifth
time this week, Yoohee. You need to exercise more.” He said, a chuckle
following after that.
“It’s not my fault my genes included short
legs, you moron.”
I fumed and shot him a death glare only to find him looking up to the clouds.
His sharp eyes gliding across the white poofy clouds along the clear sky.
I
was a bit bummed when he didn’t answer my rebuttal but then, who wouldn’t want
to stay quiet in a place like this? It’s so peaceful, so full of serenity. I
tried to brush off the fact that he just completely ignored me and commented on
how fast he got to the top. “And how can
I compete with your athletic built? One stride of yours and I need to run to catch
up.”
He
gave me a good hearted laugh. It’s a clear, crisp laugh, the sound lingering
for a few minutes. “Fine, fine. It’s my
fault. I can’t let you get mad at me.” He turned to face me, an amused
smile brightening up his face. He reached to my nose and poked it ever so
lightly. “I am sorry, Yoohee ah.”
I
was stuck even after he withdrew his hand and goes back to looking up at the
sky. His smile is just so… Comforting.
It swept the fatigue away that I had and now it was replaced by the thundering
of my heartbeat.
Placing
my hand over my chest, I gulped and closed my eyes to calm me down. What is happening with me? I asked
mentally. Why is my heart racing so hard whenever I am with him? For the first
time in the four years of our friendship that my heart palpitated… Butterflies
started soaring at the pit of my stomach and I always caught myself staring at
him when he smiles…
There’s no denying it, then.
“I-I-I-I like you…” A faint mumble
that’s almost inaudible escaped my lips while looking at him, his eyes closed
and both of his hands behind his head. I put my palm over my mouth, praying to
every deity to save me from the sudden confession I did.
I am
praying he heard me and then realization would hit him that all this time as
well, he had taken a liking in me, too.
Too
good to be true and those kind of crap happen only in movies.
Instead
of the whole I-Like-You-Too-Let’s-Be-Together-Then
expectation, a small yawn interrupted my train of thought as Hansol opened his
eyes and blinked at me, his wide eyes fixed on me. “W-were you saying something, Yoohee? I fell asleep for a moment. I am
sorry again.” He apologized and stretched his long limbs before sitting up.
Oh, Hansol ah. How stupid and apathetic
can you be sometimes.
I thought with a laugh. I can’t help but feel rejected of his reaction to my unplanned
revelation sp\o plastering a fake smile on my lips, I shook my head and pointed
at a cloud that resembles a heart. “I
was talking about how that cloud looks like a heart.”
And
how that heart represents my feelings for you, Ji Hansol.
You're the one who could see,
The good inside of me,
And I knew then that I had
something real
“Nothing can change their mind, Hansol so
stop trying to cheer me up, please!” I screamed as tears started to fall from
my eyes. Pain excruciated through my chest and crushes me from the within. I
hugged my knees closer to my face and wailed, the classroom filled with my desperate
and lonely sobs.
How
can they think that I was the one who ratted them out of cheating during our
qualifying exams last school year? Is that how lowly they think of me just
because I have no friends or anyone to be with at school? How foolish is that?
I never would have said anything for all I care! And now they are accusing me
of something I didn’t do?
Oh, God. Why must I get through this…? That’s the only
thing that’s running in my mind as I replay how cold and harsh their words
were. Words that if they were knives, I would be bathing on my own pool of
blood, multiple sharp ends impaling on my sorry ass body.
“Yoohee…” Hansol’s voice sounded
troubled. He knelt down and placed a hand on my head as I brawl my eyes out. “Please stop crying. Please…” He
pleaded with the same exact calming voice.
I
looked up at him and his face has no readable expression on it, making me more
self-conscious. His eyes bore holes on my own as if asking for some sort of
clarification on why on earth am I crying.
That
look only made me feel worse and more isolated than ever.
I
busted out of my weeping trance and shouted at all my might to my bestfriend,
ignoring his shocked face. “And what is
it to you if I cry? That rumour has been around for almost a year. A year,
Hansol! Can you understand how hard it is to go around this hellhole with their
eyes piercing along your back and talking nasty and filthy things about you?
The answer is no, Hansol. Because all this time, you knew! You knew and you
never told me…” I broke into another sob, the weight of the pain only
getting heavier because the guy I love and I thought who can protect me stayed
silent, letting these people throw false accusations at me. “I’ll be leaving high school with no good
memories during my senior year just because of a goddamned rumour and I don’t
know… I don’t-”
Hansol’s
arms pulled me in a tight hug, causing me to momentarily stop crying. His hug
is full of security that he would protect me. I found my own hands clinging on
the cloth of his uniform, balling my fists and transferring all of my
disappointment and fear. I started to hit his chest, the impact ringing through
the empty classroom.
“A-a-am I a bad person…? Why did I do to
deserve this? And why didn’t you tell me, huh? S-s-so you can laugh at me as
well when I pass down the hallway?” Slurred sentences flowed out of my mouth,
sobs and sniffles followed in time of my hits on his chest.
Hansol’s
hug tightened around my shaking frame before he started talking. “You listen to me, Han Yoohee.” I was surprised
when he said that in a firm voice as if stating a hard truth. He sounded so
sure of what he’s saying, making me entranced in every word that comes out of
his mouth. “You’re not a bad person,
okay? You are a great girl, you make people smile and you’re so smart. You’re
the biggest gift this school will ever have and people are just too damn
envious of all the recognition you’re getting. You shouldn’t bat an eye to
those who are being mean to you. You know why? Because if you stoop to their
level, that will only prove their accusation. That would give them the
satisfaction that whatever they’re doing, it’s taking a toll on you. Then they
win in bringing you down. I never believed any of their statement about you.
You know me for a long time, Yoohee. And I know you.” He took in a sharp intake
of breath and pulled away, cupping my face with both of his hands. His thumbs
started to wipe away my tears, tucking in the loose hair strands behind my ear.
“Look at me, Yoohee ah.” His voice is
steady and calm, like the ocean in a sunny day.
I
look at him, letting his wide eyes stare back at me.
“The reason I never told you is because I
know you’re strong. I know you can get pass through all of these. You have gone
so far, Yoohee. And this thing? It’s nothing but a shrug off of your shoulder.
It sounds selfish that I chose not to tell you about it. But the fact that
you’re taking all of these blows on you without so much of a thought makes me
think you’re stronger than I have expected you to be. You are near the ending
of this, Yoohee. And I am here to tell you that you have done a wonderful job.
You would be doing much more wondrous things in the future. So don’t cry,
Yoohee… Please… It breaks my heart that the woman that is my bestfriend is so
broken in front of me, sobbing her eyes out…” He smiled gently and leaned in
close, placing a feathery touch of his lips to my forehead. He then rested his
chin on top of my head, humming a soft tune under his breath. I realized it’s
the song Winter Child.
Butterflies
are creating havoc in my stomach. My heartbeat thundering again.
I
pulled Hansol closer and felt a lone tear fall off of my eye.
And
it’s not because I am hurt anymore.
“Yes. I have done a wonderful job.” I smiled.
For years my feelings grew,
But I was losing you,
The only happiness I'd ever known
Graduation
day. Finally. After three years, I am going out there and search for my
calling.
I
stood at the podium to give my valedictorian speech. A sea of people is in
front of me, waiting for words to materialize. I have a piece of paper with a
few points to guide me what to say but I shrugged my shoulder with a chuckle
and crumpled it in front of them and put it inside my pocket.
My
eyes then searched for him. I saw him with his graduation toga same as mine.
His face is still placid as it always was but when our eyes meet, a wide boyish
grin appeared, sending the loud, defeaning beats of my heart through my ears.
I
smiled widely and held the microphone. I stepped off of the podium and walk
towards the center of the stage. “I’ll
make this short because I know all of us are hungry and tired after the 3-hour
program.” A collective chuckle erupted among the audience and soon dies. “A new beginning is out there that are up
for grabs. The future scares most of us, doesn’t it? I know it scares me but
it’s a good kind of scary. It makes sense, right?” I paused for a while as
I see some of them agree with what I am saying while others are a bit confused.
“I know it’s been tough for all of us.
The three years we stayed here is not a thing to be taken lightly. But you know
what’s more exciting? We can leave these all behind and start over, getting all
the good memories and discarding the bitter ones, burying it deep in our
hearts. ‘Lessons learned, we got burned’
as they say. Some of us will go work while some will pursue a career in
universities and colleges. What I am saying is that it’s all ours to take. Take
it and make it yours because we are all destined to be something great in the
future. Don’t live this life as if you’re walking on glass, afraid to be judged
and afraid to commit mistakes. Mishaps and delays are okay but giving up is not
an option. Remember that it’s okay to rest but don’t ever give up something you
can’t live a day without. Thank you and congratulations to us!”
I
took off my graduation cap and throw it upwards to the sky. My co-graduates did
the same, a roar of triumph emitting all across the gymnasium.
Locking
eyes again with Hansol as he clapped with the audience, I feel confident and
stronger. “Congratulations” he mouthed and gave me a thumbs up.
I
smiled and nodded because I know I will be doing a wonderful job.
Another came along,
And slowly won your heart,
I cared enough for you to let you go
Tapping
the tip of my pen on the table, I looked outside for the nth time. I am
supposed to meet Hansol for our project in Guidance and Counseling but even his
shadow is nowhere to be seen. I have been in this coffee shop near our dorm for
nearly two hours now.
“Damn it, Ji Hansol. I know you’re always
late but this is too much. Ugh.” I mumbled to myself and peered at our
almost finished work. I did’t want to finish it because he would be mad at me
taking the load all by myself again and him not helping.
I
was scribbling away the principles of the Psycho-Analytic therapy when the bell
of the coffee shop’s door pinged, signaling that a new customer is in. I didn’t
bother to see who it was since I am certain most certain that Hansol will not
come.
The
chair in front of me moved and Hansol sits down, his whole face pinkish from
the heat outside. “Yoohee ah- Hah… Whew.
I am so sorry I am late. I know, I know. Just, let me breathe-” His quiet
voice apologized and I look up at him. He is catching his breath and he had
donned a good looking buttoned up shirt. He is wiping the sweat off of his
forehead with a handkerchief, his eyes landed on the scattered school papers on
the table and two empty cups of coffee near it. “Y-you… You did it again, didn’t you?” He groaned in frustration and
slumps on the chair. “Ya, Han Yohee~! I
told you so many times that you should not take all of these responsibilities on
your own. There’s a reason we are project partners! What am I supposed to do
now?”
I
felt my eye twitched at his statement and I drop my pen on top of my module,
facing him with a grim expression. “Excuse
me, Mr. Ji. If it wasn’t for me doing almost all the work here, we won’t have
anything at all to pass to Mr. Gong next Thursday which is two days from now.”
I crossed my arms and blew a stray strand of hair out of my face. “Where in Merlin’s beard have you been? You
could have texted me, you know? Why do you even have that phone with you if
you’re not using it?”
His
face scrunched at my scolding and he sits upright, leaning a bit near to me. “If I told you I had a spur-of-the-moment
date with Chaejin, would you let me go and leave you here alone?”
I
froze on the spot, my lower teeth clamped hard on my upper lip to stop me from
retorting something bad.
Min
Chaejin is a 3rd year Communication Arts student in our university. She
is a transferee from North Korea and from what I have heard, she’s a corporal
or a captain’s daughter in the North Korean army that’s why she was able to attend
school in Seoul. Chaejin is an irregular student so she usually has a lot of free time.
And yes, she spends all or most of her free time in the library. She studies
like the smart student that she is, of course.
We
met her when we needed a table in the library and all booths are full except
for hers. She let us sit with her and from then on, Hansol won’t shut up about
her.
This
semester, Chaejin is taking General Psychology with us 1st year
Psychology students.
After
seven years of having these deep seated feelings I have for him, this is by far
the hardest test I have encountered. I swallowed every painful words he said
regarding how beautiful, sweet, adorable, caring and smart Chaejin is. I always
manage to put on a fake smile so true to hide my slowly breaking heart as he
tells me all the little moments he has with her. “She said thank you after I taught her the different types of defense
mechanisms.” “Have you seen her smile, Yoohee? Angels would be very jealous of
her!” “Freud, Pearls, Jung, Adler, Horney, Costa, McRae. She memorized the
notes I gave her! Ahhhh~ Yoohee ah! I am so happy she is reviewing.” I made
up some excuses to avoid being with him because I know he will not stop talking
about his precious Chaejin for hours on end.
What
really bothers me is this: Hansol has
never been so happy like this before because of a girl. Ever. You might think I am joking but I
am dead serious. For almost all our lives including elementary and high school,
I have seen many people confess to him and not even one of those girls caught
his attention. He says he is really not into any relationships and he’s trying
to get good grades in order for him to be qualified to take Psychology as his
major in college. From the popular girls to the lowly nobodies of our schools,
not one of them passed Ji Hansol’s standards. “There’s nothing interesting
about them,” he would always reason out.
Chaejin
is the exception to them all.
I
have never seen him humming happily as we do a butt load of home works and
papers. Hansol’s usually very stingy but now, he even buys me food for lunch
and dinner. I once caught him playing his guitar again which he quitted using
in our sophomore year. He smiles more, too. He is not the uptight, studious boy
I grew up with anymore.
And
now this? A date? Dating was never a thing for him! And I have always thought
Chaejin doesn’t like him the way he likes her since they just talk about school
related stuff….
Well,
I thought wrong. A hundred percent, undeniably wrong.
Tears
are in danger of showing up and I gripped my arms tighter, holding it back. I
gulped the anger rising in me back to the pit of my stomach and smiled at him. When
I finally found my voice, I asked him casually and ignoring the pounding of my
heart. “H-how was it? T-the date?”
I
was rewarded by a wide smile and he starts to tell me the gist of how his date
went. He saw her alone in a park on the way to the coffee shop. She’s sketching
a piece for her Humanities class on a park bench and he just asked her if she
wants to go to a date with him. She said yes and they went to eat in a
restaurant nearby. They talked a lot about school and their childhood, his eyes
twinkling under the dim lights inside the shop. He looks radiant just as he
always does when he talks about something he really loves.
Oh, how I envy Min Chaejin. I said in my
mind.
“I almost messed it up, though.” He sighed and
puffed his cheeks, tapping his fingers on his lap.
“How could you possibly mess this up? It
sounds like a fairy tale to me!” I said in feigned interested covering up
my aching voice.
“W-well… We were laughing at some lame
joke I said and, ugh, Yoohee. She’s just so beautiful when she laughs. Then I
blurted out all of a sudden ‘Will you be
my girlfriend?’ Oh, man. She gave me the cutest startled face ever and she
blushed. She effin blushed in front of me, Yoohee! You should have seen her.
And when I asked her again, seriously this time, she covered her face with her
hands and said ‘I would love to be your
girlfriend.’ Yoohee, the girl I love loves me too!” He whooped and
takes both of my hands, squeezing it in excitement. “Ah, Yoohee! You don’t know how happy I am! And because of that, I’ll
be finishing our project and treating you to dinner tonight!” His smile got
wider and let go of my hands, my skin already missing the warmth of his.
I
remained smiling despite of how devastated I am.
The
guy I love finally found the arms of the woman who can make him happy.
Remember
when I said I will be doing a wonderful job?
I
have done it, right? I did a wonderful job in keeping the man I love happy even
if it means I am not the one giving him his happiness.
A thousand times the words just died right on my
lips,
Regret came over me with its swift and stinging kiss
“Ah, Ji Hansol. I never would have
expected you to be a one-woman man. And look, here we are! At the age of 27,
you’re married to the most beautiful woman of your life! I wish you happiness
and lots of kids. You get ‘em, okay? And don’t look at me like that, you moron.
I know you want to.”
I finished my small speech and raise my wine glass, proposing a toast. “To my best friend, my brother from another
mother. I am so happy for you. Congratulations!” I smiled and tipped the
contents of my glass inside my mouth, the cold concoction soothing my tired
throat.
My
eyes locked with Hansol at his table, his wife next to him and talking with her
in-laws. He mouthed “Thank you” and gave me a thumbs up.
A
wave of nostalgia rushed over me as I take my seat, remembering the day we
graduated high school. I give him a thumbs up in return too.
Stupid Han Yoohee, right? Keeping her
feelings bottled up and now here she is, watching the man of his dreams married
to the woman she wished to be.
The
atmosphere around the reception is festive but I am not feeling too festive
myself. I can hold the thick air in my hands. I stared down at my barely
touched food, poking the vegetables on my plate.
I
was prepared to slap Hansol’s face the famous “I knew that she wasn’t really who we think she is” line about Min
Chaejin. And I was prepared to hate her as well.
Sometimes,
God is really funny. Why?
Because I can’t bring myself to hate Min
Chaejin.
I
can’t see anything bad about her. I am not saying she’s perfect but she is
really a good hearted person. She is kind, she always smiles, she is very
gentle but she knows where to stand up for herself when she needed to. And
knowing that I am Hansol’s best friend, I thought she’ll try to buy my trust
using her skeevy ways. But she didn’t. She didn’t even try to coax out
information about Hansol from me. She is just like an older sister to me in a
way. And Hansol could never been happier when I told him I approve of Chaejin.
And
with that, I accepted the fact that they’re the best for each other. They
complement each other perfectly that even people who are not that close to them
shower them praises.
I
sighed and watched the both of them as they stand up for their first dance as a
married couple.
Smiling
at the sight, I told myself I deserve to rest after the day long play of
pretending I am a 100% happy of his marriage. I took the last swig of my wine
and grabbed my purse, standing up and glancing at them dancing without a care
in the world. The most important thing now is that they’re in each other’s
arms.
I
made my way out of the reception, my heel clattering along the marble flooring.
Maybe
in this world, I will never have him.
But
nevertheless, he would always be my always in this world full of never.
I used to love you from afar,
As we all decided who we are,
You were never mine to have,
Still I loved you to the last,
Because you were my, you are my always.
~
Always is a song by Beth Crowley. ^^ Go and have a listen!
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