Yuck, I know about the dialogue part, I stink at the whole period comma thing. I'm going to look something up that can help me. And I guess I'll add another part to this as soon as I can. Thanks for the crtiques. 
Note: The titles of the chapters will be the names of the characters that are narrating. This is necessary because Trinity is written in the first person. Enjoy!
Okay, here's the 1st chapter. If you haven't read the intro yet, I suggest you do so you can understand this chapter a little bit better. It's kind of short, that's because I was thinking about breaking this chapter into two parts, but I'm not sure yet.
Chapter 1: Jaye
I squinted into the fog, looking for a flash of purple hair, an edge of a knife, or something that could help me identify Wynn. He was like the wind at times, appearing when he wanted to and disappearing equally so. I hated it. Even though I showed Wynn respect, I never could stomach the fact that he could be a lot stealthier than me. I was the spy in the resistance, not him.
“Gotcha,” a knife blade came up against my throat, so close, that I could almost feel the sharp blade cutting into my skin. I closed my eyes and sighed.
“Yep, you got me again, alright.” I said. Wynn dropped the blade and laughed softly.
“What were you doing, letting your guard down like that? It could’ve been an enemy instead of me.” Wynn said.
“Only you say ‘Gotcha’ like that, Wynn.” I replied.
“It could’ve been a spy posing as me, trying to get information.” Wynn shot back. I rolled my eyes.
“So you’re saying you’re a spy?” I asked.
“Hmmm.” Wynn looked off into the distance. I drew my knife so fast, that he didn’t have the time to take action.
“You’re a spy aren’t you?” I pressed the knife close to his neck. He lowered my blade with one hand.
“I was joking, Jaye. I see you still can’t take a joke.” Wynn said seriously; I put my knife away with a huff.
“What the do you think you’re doing, lowering your defenses? Just because I say I’m not a spy doesn’t mean that I’m not a spy. I could be lying!” Wynn cried. I bit back a hiss of annoyance.
Wynn punched my arm.
“Gotcha,” he said again,” I’m no spy.”
“Prove it.” my voice came out harsher than I intended. Wynn pulled up his left shirt sleeve to reveal a golden tattoo of a tree with bare branches; the sign of royalty. My shoulders relaxed.
“You know I hate it when you do that.” I said. I pulled back my dark red, shoulder length hair into a pony tail. My black shirt was wrinkled and my jeans were dirty.
“I would have though that you would care more about your hygiene, being a girl and all.” Wynn commented. I glared at him.
“I’ve been camping out in the old barn up this street, so I could meet you.” I said. Wynn sighed.
“I guess it’s time to get down to business then huh?” he asked. Wynn and I started down the dirt road to the abandoned barn. Wynn’s gray eyes were no longer bright and it must have been the light, but it seemed to me that his purple hair had dulled.
“The Overlord is getting suspicious. He’s sending more and more spies over to our headquarters; you know, the one down by Raia City.” He added impatiently at the confused look on my face. I nodded my understanding.
“We need a new headquarters, Tanslie’s doing what she can back in her city, but I’m afraid the guards there are catching on. Pretty soon, Tanslie will have to get herself out of there.” I nodded again. Tanslie was one of the acrobats down in the center of the Empire. She was smart and quick witted, but not even her brains could get her out of the mess that the Overlord could create for her if she was caught.
“Tanslie will be all right.” I said reassuringly.
“I hope so.” Wynn looked at me and I saw sadness in his eyes. My stomach gave an uncomfortable lurch as jealousy started to creep into my head. I quickly shook it off.
We reached the barn and Wynn and I exchanged good byes.
“You stay out of trouble okay?” Wynn said.
“Just don’t go sneaking up on me anymore.” I pouted. Wynn smiled and winked at me and just as quickly as he appeared, Wynn disappeared, like the wind.
Come back soon I thought.
~*~
Yuck, I know about the dialogue part, I stink at the whole period comma thing. I'm going to look something up that can help me. And I guess I'll add another part to this as soon as I can. Thanks for the crtiques.
Very good! It got me interested, and kept me reading right to the end. Esme and Fye got all the errors, so all I can do now is say how much I liked it. (A lot. 
)
I think you probably got mixed up with what Esme is saying about the periods and comas for dialogues. In dialogues, you put comas when your sentence is not finished. Here are some examples from your story:
“What were you doing, letting your guard down like that? It could’ve been an enemy instead of me,” Wynn said.
“Only you say ‘Gotcha’ like that, Wynn,” I replied.
“It could’ve been a spy posing as me, trying to get information,” Wynn shot back. I rolled my eyes.
“Gotcha,” he said again. ”I’m no spy.”
I pulled back my dark red, shoulder-length hair into a pony tail. My black shirt was wrinkled and my jeans were dirty.
“I would have thought that you would care more about your hygiene, being a girl and all,” Wynn commented.
“I’ve been camping out in the old barn up this street[s],[/s] so I could meet you,” I said. Wynn sighed.
Wynn’s gray eyes were no longer bright and it must have been the light, but it seemed to me that his purple hair had dulled.
Come back soon, I thought.
I do like the way this story is going and there is nothing wrong other than the ones I've mentioned. And yes, I do think this is rather short. Keep it up, and I look forward to the next chapter. Hope I've been helpful!
Hello,
As I said, you have caught my undivided attention when it comes to this story. *Grumbles, but only a bit* And yes, sadly enough, it is a bit short. ^_^
Quote:
He was like the wind at times, appearing when he wanted to and disappearing equally so.
This sentence has an awkward ring to it, at least the last part does. It doesn’t run smoothly with the first part of the sentence, but I see what effect you wanted, and I would like to see it, so my advice is to just rephrase it, but with the latter effect. I’m talking about the ‘(…) disappearing equally so.’ part.
Quote:
“Gotcha,” a knife blade
Period instead of the comma, and then capitalize the ‘a’.
Quote:
a knife blade came up against my throat, so close, that I could almost feel the sharp blade cutting into my skin.
I distinctively remember a similar sentence structure in your previous post, the one where ‘stiffly’ was the issue. Here my advice is similar, if not the same - get rid of the commas.
Quote:
“Yep, you got me again, alright.” I said.
Up there is a situation diametrically different than the one of the first quote. As in, opposite. Period - comma. Edit: I see that later on you have everything like this, but I won’t quote every single dialogue sentence, will I? That would be stupid. So, the exact same advice concerns every other similar sentence.
Quote:
I drew my knife so fast, that he didn’t have the time to take action.
Comma unneeded.
Quote:
“You’re a spy aren’t you?” I pressed the knife close to his neck. He lowered my blade with one hand.
"I was joking, Jaye. I see you still can’t take a joke.” Wynn said seriously; I put my knife away with a huff.
That was like… abrupt. Too abrupt to really have any meaning, to really say anything.
[b]
Quote:
“Proof it.” my voice
Kim already pointed this out - proof = prove. I wanted to add that ‘my’ should be in this case capitalized.
Quote:
“I’ve been camping out in the old barn up this street, so I could meet you.”
Comma unnecessary.
Quote:
“I guess it’s time to get down to business then huh?”
Comma before ‘huh’.
Quote:
Raia City.” He added impatiently at the confused look on my face.
First period turned into a comma if you want the tag to be as it is now, and then ‘He’=‘he’.
Quote:
We need a new headquarters, Tanslie’s doing what she can back in her city, but I’m afraid the guards there are catching on.
This is a bit of a run-on sentence. My advice is to split it up, or add ‘-’ somewhere up there. Or maybe add a linking word, or something?
Quote:
We reached the barn and Wynn and I exchanged good byes.
Good byes = goodbyes.
Quote:
“You stay out of trouble okay?” Wynn said.
Comma before ‘okay’.
Quote:
Wynn smiled and winked at me and just as quickly as he appeared, Wynn disappeared, like the wind.
Rephrasing needed, I think.
Quote:
Come back soon I thought.
Comma after what she thinks.
Again, that is the end of the boring grammar issues, the ones that can be cleaned up in no time. Notice that a lot of the quotes concern commas. While I’m not exactly an expert when it comes to punctuation, I’m sure of the dialogue ones. I suggest you check out some article concerning those.
I also wanted to say that this part consists mainly of dialogue. Which would be good, of course, if I knew more about what they feel, about their emotions, etc. It’s clear that the MC of this part feels something for Wynn, and you did emphasize that - point for you! - but I would also like to know more of what they feel, and do, throughout the conversation. I would like to see more body language, facial, expressions, etc.
The dialogue, on the other hand, flew really smoothly, and I liked that. I would like to see more tags, but that was explained up above.
Another thing I wanted to point out is the really fast pace of the story. While it is good at some points, I think that this went a tad bit too rapidly. My advice is to slow down a bit, add more details, take your time in making the reader care more for the characters.
What else? I really liked the intro of this part - the first sentence was fantastic, and I look forward to seeing the future installments.
Cheers,
Esme
this is very good, i like the way your characters talk to each other so easily. i dont normally look for errors as i read,, i choose to enjoy the story. but i noticed that you said "proof it" i think this should be "prove it".
other then that small thing,,,,,,,this is going to be an awesome story. i look forward to reading more.
kim
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