Broken Vessel

Hello!

So, as promised, here comes the Demon with her rusty reviewing skills... Oh yes, she hasn't been doing this for a while.

First of all, I don't think you should be so harsh on your ability to write poetry. Trial and Error you know, write and write and then write a little more, and every word will be a little better )

I quite like this piece, it's a bit messy but there's something here, for sure.

You have some great imagery here, and you paint a good scenary which is always good. I think you've made good improvements with your first stanza but it could still need some work. There is great imagery here, but you waste alot of words to describe a simple image and I feel that you could get more said here. When it comes to seconds stanza I get confused, it is a beautifully worded but I don't see how it brings anything to the piece. My advice, either clarify it or remove it. The third stanza is my favorite though, in difference to the other stanzas it gets alot said and does so smoothly. It's beautiful and dark, love that. The fourth and fifth stanzas aren't so bad either, I do however feel like it disappoints a bit after having read the previous stanza. The language becomes sloppier here even though you keep getting your message through. The ending I like though. I think (if I interpreted the message correctly) it sums up the poem very well. "Breathing underwater" I find is a very clever way to describe the feeling of dancing with death, not being quite able to live yet not ready to die.

When it comes to grammar you haven't made any direct spelling mistakes what I can see. The rythm is a little awkward at times where some lines run away from the others but I don't think the flow got to disturbed so that's not a necessary edit.

All in all, like I said, I quite liked this. And the message is compelling, if vague at times

Hope I could be of help

Good Luck & Keep Writing!

(Oh, I almost forgot. What is a demonic review without the spider-grade? I shall give this piece 3½ out of 5 icky, sticky spiders. For a poem and poet with potential!)

// Sagaa

Update: first edits posted.

I quite like this piece of writing.

I like the comparison between anguish and love, showing how there may be a link between the 2 emotions.

The imagery that came across to be was relativly clear, what I could see was a girl on a piece of debry from a 'Broken Vessel', and deciding whether she should stay alive or not. And I can see that she gives up and falls to the bottom of the ocean. And by the end she just wants it to stop and she wants to die.

I don't quite under stand the layout of the 2nd stanza, and how it correlates with the story, it doesn't seem to hold any significant kind of description or turn in events.
I find that your phrasing is quite odd also, "drifting as she was through the cold" especially. I find that it gives it flavour to the story. I think you could do with more of this though, as the rest of the descriptions are good, but also seem quite empty. Like they were put there for the meer use of describing, to add something. But using phrases such as the one a described before could really make it more interesting.

Overall I think this is a nice poem, but could be improved through some real thought!

-Skyy

Hi, Fluxy!

Okay, so I can't review on the technicalities on this poem without sounding rash and uneducated (which, in this topic, I am), but I will try to my fullest ability to review everything else.

First of all, the subject of this is a first hard to follow, quite literally, I'm not sure which way is up. After finishing the poem I supposed that this was intended, honestly I'm not sure. The first line seems a bit too wordy. "[D]rifting as she was through the cold" is awkward when read over and doesn't fit not the first half of the line. I suggest taking out "as she was" to reduce the sense of unnecessary complication with the syntax. I feel like some of the longer lines of this poem should be broken up into smaller stanzas. Usually poems in the style of this one are separated where a normal comma would be if this was a sentence in a prose passage.

The second stanza is where the plot starts to become clear, the picture is completed. I can see the girl, drifting along, and nearly feel her pain. You do a good job of conveying emotions, something important in all writing, but more so with poetry since a tone must be put across in a smaller word count.

There's a lot of metaphors and fugitive language here and though each individually is brilliant, together they contradict and run into each other. There is more than one theme introduced within the metaphors and similies and it becomes confusing. I suggest decided on a main theme to base your diction around. I did catch one that seemed to work very well and that was off water.

Like I've said, I can't review on the punctuation, style, and technical bits because I don't know of them myself, but I do know that I like the idea of this poem and actually enjoyed it. With a little clean up it can be better than it stands now.

-RP