I try my best
To be your friend
I try to be loyal
Until the end
.
Everything always
Must be your way
I simply don't know
What to say
.
I cannot take
Very much more
I feel myself
Walk to the door
.
You take advantage
Of my care
You make me look stupid
And everyone stares
.
If you read this
I think you'll be mad
You'd think I was
Rude, malicious, and bad
.
But this is simply
How I feel
I will not lie
This poem is real
.
I do not know
What else to do
If I even should
Be friends with you
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126,851 Literary Works • 672,941 Reviews
Hey there, I loved your poem. I think you should write more poems. I love reading and writing poems. Keep up the good job! I'd totally read more of your works.
Hey there, Fluttershy! Welcome to YWS, I hope you enjoy yourself on here and get to improve your writing skills with the help of this great community.
Right, let me be honest, I have not written up a review in quite a while so please bear with me as we try and get through this.
First of all I'd like to say that this is a lovely little poem you have here. It is very simple - and 'simple' can be both good and bad, and I'll explain why.
The positive reasons are that it is easy to read along and get the flow going. It has a nice rhythm that your reader can go along with pleasantly, almost like a nursery rhyme, or a song. It is almost as though the words bounce off into another line, pushing you to keep reading the poem. That being said, I think your best element in this poem is the rhythm you've created - though in some parts, like you said, you do have a problem with your syllables but I'll get to that later.
'Simple' may be bad in some cases, like I said, and in yours it has to do with your wording and also your lack of imagery (or depth?). There's nothing wrong with having a simple poem like the one you have but it can be plain and dull. It is like when artists sketch their work before adding the deeper lines and colours to their work. This is what you have - you have a sketched piece and touching up on it in some areas can give you a better piece of art, something that people would care more about and that would probably stay in their minds. Art is always about being able to express something memorable, and if people don't find the arwork very compelling and/or enjoyable, they will just forget about it.
To help, I'd like to point out some areas in which your wording can be improved. This can also help with the problem you have finding syllables that fit.
In the third line, you may want to try something like "I stay loyal" to keep the 4-syllables-a-line pattern you have.
"Everything" in the first line already takes up 4 syllables making that first line to have 6 beats and the 4th line to have only 3. As this is a poem that seems to show a regular patter and a rhyming pattern of abcb, you may want to even out the number of syllables. I don't have any suggestions for this stanza but try to make it balanced.
The last line I'd suggest you change it to "and the world stares". It's an exaggeration to say that you are being embarrassed by your friend while the entire world just watches but it helps bring across feelings to your reader. It also reduced your amount of syllables in this stanza to match the rest.
I believe it should be "you'd be mad" because the person you're addressing has not yet read the poem and you are uncertain that he/she will. Conditional. The words chosen in the last line are ineffective because "cruel" and "malicious" already reflect the "bad", so there's no need for bad there.
You should not be friends with someone who uses and embarrasses you! If this poem expresses something you're really living through please try to talk to this person about the way you feel. And if the person does not change, please get away from them. Bad friendships can destroy people.
Back to the poem though, I have already pointed out that it was a nice little poem and very simple. But wouldn't you want to move into something more than just "nice"? I'm sure if you could just touch up on a few elements - vocabulary, imagery and the way you place words - you could have a good poem.
Feel free to send me a message if you need further explaining and/or any help at all. I'd be glad to give you any additional remarks or to read some of your other work. Sorry if any of this was harsh. :/
Once again, welcome to YWS
- Mikko.
thank you for the review. Like I said before: I am aware of the syllable problem so that does not need to be touched on. Your review is already very helpful and I don't need to be informed on something I already know.
I apologize if this comes off harsh.
I love your rhyming. This is very relatable.
Hi there, this poem is really lovely even though it is about quite a sad topic. You've done a great job of making the confusing emotions that come along with friendship really vivid and your ending i quite profound. I can tell each word has been carefully picked out and used to make the reader feel feel something and i thinks that's where the strengths lie in this poem as it makes us feel sad and for me became very relatable.
One thing i did noticed was the ? at the end doesn't totally make sense since there's not really a question there, however without it the reader would still get the idea of questioning friendships because of the language you've already used, Other than that great job!
Hi, FluttershyFan! This is Pinkie(Or My name remained you of Pinkie Pie!)! I like to review this poem that you mad. Let me get my review glasses so we can get started. *puts on a funny glasses* Okay, let's get this party started!
FluttershyFan, I see you are new in YWS as me (because I see your member since up there. Yes, up there in your bio). I will do my best to not hurt your feelings on your third day!
First off, I like this story. I enjoyed it. I really enjoyed it a lot. It remains of my ex- best friend who always embarrassed and forced me. I liked it this one very much. However, you do need some work on it. You have some errors on there. Anyway, good job on the poem. I like to read more from you as my name is Pinkie! I like to read more from you, FluttershyFan!
Awesome Job and Keep on writing!
Cheers
Your reviewer, Pinkiegirl13
P.S.: Welcome to YWS!
P.S.S: I am not a good poet. However, I understand poetry.