Young Writers Society

holy guacamole

Hi Flum (and I guess woahitherepal). I guess what I want to start with is the fact that the poem could literally end on the 17th line.

"I could have saved them all

but now i'm six feet under.

I let it defeat me.

I let the water

drown all of me."

this serves the same purpose as the actual ending does and I can't find anything past this lien you haven't already stated. The piece comes off as slow and plodding, saying restating the same emotions as it slowly suffocates. I actually like this style choice because it coincides with the story. Both look like they are meant to be slow death spirals, but I'm not sure that's what you wanted. You should go over this piece again and look for lines that bear the same meaning as other lines you've written. Maybe try expanding your phrases. That way you can add more intricacies and make the piece as a whole more interesting. I hope this helped.

--poop guy

@TheBlueCat

Hi E.E and Pal! Saru here for a hopefully helpful review!
I'm going to get constructive criticism out of the way first so we can get on with what was great about this.

First, I'd like to say that sometimes, you use capitalization rules, and sometimes you don't. Try to stay consistent with that.

its suffocating

And no light can perice my eyes,

I let the water/drown all of me.

Everything looks so queery.

Their eyes are nothing more then,/Hollow sockets

I couldnt make a sound.

yeet

This looks awesome!

@woahhitherepal @LordTachanka @WhosabellCanWrite @DemonGoddess