Published December 31, 2007
This is my only short story that I at all like. I've tried continuing it and failed, and I've tried sprucing it up, and failed. So, let me know what you think!
I remember!
Two snow-white children silent in the brisk of autumn. They stood tall, strait as a telephone pole waiting for the next signal. Facing each other. Both in a perfectly fit wedding gown, slightly faded and torn on the ends. There had to have been something before this... I remember walking; not here, but somehow I got here. My light brown jacket was no wear near enough to keep my soul content. Although no breeze was blowing, I still felt the occasional chill, I still could hear the occasional chime of the rusted bells, which decorated both the trees and the floor. Leaves on the ground, all were still.
I walked up to one of the girls. Two enlarged pupils staring strait into their twins. The only difference was one had a wedding ring on the appropriate finger. A bride staring strait into her maid's eyes. The maid had no expression, just the weary eyes of a grandmother who had scene the worst her years had too offer. The bride, crystallized in a sense of worry. "Whose the lucky man?" I asked, trying to lighten her mood. A whispered voice came from her mouth. "Sean." I recognized the name as my own, although I'm one in a million.
Sean: "How long have you been standing here for?"
Maid: "She can't Remember" Spoken with a matching voice.
Sean: "Can you?"
Bride: "No.
...
I can."
Sean: "How long?"
Maid: "Life began in water, life will end in water."
Bride: "Since the first born."
Sean: "Your first born"
Maid: "Yes."
Sean: "Her first born?" I said pointing to the bride.
Bride: "Yes."
Maid: "Not yet."
Sean: "Her future son?"
The Children: "Yes."
Sean: After a moments thought, I said "How do you know life will end in water?"
Maid: "I've seen it"
Bride: "Would you like to see?"
Sean: "Yes."
We walked into the woods for what felt like hours. Just me and the bride. My ankles ached, not a word was spoke. What started as the periodical leaf turned into the knee high obstacle of each step. But once she stopped, I looked at the clearing in front of her. The most clear and clean water at the mile wide intersection of four rivers. The sun reflected directly at it's center.
The Bride stared strait forward for several moments, then I noticed in the corner of my eye: a silhouette of a man standing to the side of me! There was no light behind it, just a dark figure without depth... moving. Around the lake was more of the same. There backs were hunched, there arms dragged, and they moved as if in a traffic jam. They all walked toward into the lake... exactly the same. None of them turned there heads, or acknowledged anyone else. The bride stepped to the side, and gestured to the Lake.
My curiosity grabbed a hold of me! I stepped closer to the lake, and looked in, only to see my reflection. I couldn't put my finger on it, but it wasn't me. It was something different. Someone else. It moved exactly the same as I did, same clothes, same look on his face. But it wasn't me. Nevertheless, I walked into the lake. The water was warm, I felt a comfort as the water came between my leg and the cloth. I just looked at me, nothing else. My face, staring down, collided with the water.
The buzzing alarm clock rang. I remember and write it down. October eight, 7:20 A.M.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,924 Literary Works • 673,737 Reviews
Hmm, thanks to all for the responses! I apologize for the improper grammar, I never was the best at the technic's of it all! And as for the conversation, I decided to do it as more of a play script as that was the best I could do, I tried writing it in standard way, but it just sounded awful, so believe it or not that actualy is better then what I had. I'll attempt to revise it. Thank you again for the critique's, all! As well as taking the time to read through it...
Hm...
This is rather good. Your descriptions are good, and the only thing that was wrong with it was the
Um. No. We don't write like that. This is the time that we can bring out the character's personalities.
For instance it could look like this:
Wow. That was kinda fun. XD
Well, over all this is rather good. If you would fix that dialogue, this is very good. Keep writing and I'll keep reading!
BBB
I'm not sure about the 'snow-white' description. It's rather cliched, so maybe you could say something else to suggest that they are pale-skinned?
Also, it's kind of grammatically incorrect. Did you mean to say, 'Two snow-white children stood silently in the brisk of autumn'?
Strait=straight.
'Wear' should be 'where'.
That first sentence is rather oddly structured. I think you should re-word a little, or try something like this: Although no breeze was blowing, I still felt the occasional chill, and I could still hear the occasional chime of the rusted bells, which decorated both the trees and the floor. The leaves on the ground were still.
'Strait=straight. Also, that sentence should be something like this: Two enlarged pupils staring straight into their twin's.
Strait=straight.
Instead of pointing out all the mistakes, I'll just show you how this sentence should look: The maid had no expression, just the weary eyes of a grandmother who has seen the worst her years had to offer.
Also, I know it was two children, not one child and a grandmother.
I think it would make more sense as: The bride is crystallized in worry.
And in the second sentence, 'whose' should be "Who's"
There should be a comma after 'remember'.
'Your' should be "You're"
That sentence should be: My ankles ached, but not a word was spoken.
Strait=Straight. And I don't think the exclamation point after 'me' is necessary.
All the "there"'s should be 'their'.
Again, that exclamation point serves no purpose except to startle the reader.
Overall, this has great potential.
You have some refreshing description, and your ideas are very unique and original. Just keep working on your grammar though!
Cheers,
Camille
You have a few spelling errors here. First, "no wear" should be "nowhere." "strait" should be "straight."
Otherwise this is an interesting story.
Ok...
The whole "Sean", "Maid" and "Bride" conversation layout is enough to do someone's head in.
Try setting it out normally, so readers don't get irritated.