I shut my eyes and the cores of earth begin to shake
As I watch this transition fall through the stratosphere
No, the sky will never fall
Instead it will lift away
And somehow lying in this room
There's nothing above me at all
Cars wheels spin by the road side, blowing leaves
The corner of my eyes wither dull
Never will they drain, never again
But with the autumn leaves that stock my street,
May grievance spring again
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Diction. I disagree with linkreborn--I like the use of "stratosphere" because it has a great sound. But yes, "transition" is kind of silly.
Pace and flow. I think this piece's main problem is that it jumps around too much. You give one image after another, but it's difficult to see the connection between each one. You need to give your reader something to hold on to before he can really get under the poem's skin, so try taking it slower. Give the speaker of this poem somewhere to be, a setting, a surrounding. The speaker seems to begin the poem in a room, but then we get out onto a street, and the transition isn't...really there.
Sound. *not articulate* There's something off. Just off, about the use of sound in this poem. I think it's something you could work on, pay attention to--what do your words sound like? What do these sounds connote? Are you using sound devices like internal rhyme or alliteration?
Rhythm. As with sound, this felt "off" as well. I know, I know, I'm really bad at saying what I'm trying to say, but the poem doesn't roll of the tongue, it doesn't feel natural. It'll take time to get it to that point. Try reading it aloud, for one, or having someone who's never seen it before read it aloud. It can really help you identify where the rhythm is unnatural or uncomfortable.
Punctuation. Could definitely help here.
Here's an article you might find interesting: Poetry and Punctuation by Suzanne
Actually, here's another article because I'm browsing the poetry tutorials: Imagery by something euclidean
It's an interesting poem, though I'm not quite sure how to begin analyzing it.
Good luck, and welcome to YWS!
-Colleen
I love the word choice; it adds some sophistication. However, the thoughts expressed seem to be incomplete and unrelated.
Good words and imagery, but I, the reader, am unaware of what is occurring.
you may want to change "stratosphere" to something a bit simpler, like "the heavens" for instance. It draws the attention of the reader and interrupts the rhythm for longer than anything else.
the only other suggestion I can think of would be to show a bit more of whats going on instead of telling. where you have "As I watch this transition" maybe try "watching this change".
Other than those things I picked up on I think that this piece is good.