Published January 3, 2008
Let me sit in darkness
I will sink into the ground
Not words nor un-dug soil will let me out
I pray I'll never touch a cloud
I pray I'll never touch a cloud
To be pushed by wind and loose my weight
To be pushed by wind and loose my weight
And I pray that when I'm dug too deep
The rain will hit your skin and you'll follow me
And when I'm done, to feel my fallen weight
For Earth there's a deeper meaning then me, hence
Why I Frame the Silence
Let an Encore sink your heart
Come down and forget the light of doubt
Not words nor un-dug soil will let you out
I pray you'll never touch a cloud
I pray you'll never touch a cloud
To be pushed by wind and divide your weight
To be pushed by wind and divide your weight
And like me, close to the core, you'll be
And as a memoir to kings they'll paint your face
Once dull gray, now by beauty of truth, turned blue
And as a morning cottage, there's a deeper meaning, hence
Why I frame the silence
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141,448 Literary Works • 674,460 Reviews
I think for starters that not repeating the sentences would help; to me it sounded more like a song than a poem. It was well done otherwise.
Keep writing!
~ Loz
Hey! Many thanks for the reviews. As for the capitalization, I apologize. I used to capitalize every word I wrote in a poem out of habit, and it didn't bother me. I tried getting all the unneeded capitals out, but I see I missed a few. Sorry!
That was good. Unfortunately, the repition did nothing for me. In fact, it weighed down the poem like a fruitcake with too many dried apples
. If you want to go anywhere with this, you'll cut at least most of the repition. Unless these are lyrics. Then you can pass off the double lines.
Your use of capitlaization is strange. I keep trying to read deeper into the word "Encore", for instance. It's a proper name now, isn't it? Also your ending lines to both verses; why in the world are they in caps? Sure, caps and grammar have no hold on freeform poetry, but unless you want to confuse your reader, you've got to have some semblance of readablity. Consider reading this article: Poetry and Punctuation by our own Suzanne. It'll give you an idea on how to properly structure even the most experimental poetry.
I also don't understand this piece. Consider making the meaning - if there is any - more obvious. I'm reading words, but I'm not understanding them. Cloud and soil and un-dug are all well and good, but what do they mean put together. Don't be too obvious, there's no fun in that, but I want to be able to click with your poem. Good poetry gives me shivers and "ah-HA!" moments.
-Kylan
This is amazing! I really enjoy the repetition! It grasps a certain part of me. Great work, what can I say?