"Music is not in the notes
but in the silence between them"
~~~~~
Shoulder to Shoulder
Your words and then mine
A friendly game of verbal tennis
Our friendship is not in what we said to each other
But in the silence that stood between each word we gave
Between the quiet smiles that we shared
Between the seemingly meaningless laughter that we let out
Is it friendship that describes the relationship between us?
To account for all the times we stuck together in quiet faith?
I can not acknowledge the love you have for me, if you will not share it
Just as you can not acknowledge the love I have for you when I do not show it
~~~~~
Hand in hand
You stand up for me
I stand up for you
Our love was not in the things we did for each other
But in the silence of between the times our hearts shattered when there was nothing we could do for each other
Between the moments we lost as we let ourselves get lost in our own frustrations, disappointments and anger
Between the words we couldn't bear to say, because we felt we had no right to say them or that they may not be enough
Is it love that describes the ties between us?
To account for the passion we have that gives us the urge to stick together?
I can not acknowledge the love you have for me, if you will not share it
Just as you can not acknowledge the love I have for you when I do not show it
~~~~~
Face to Face
Your aloofness pierces my heart like a thousand needles
My lack of will stabs your back like a thousand knives
Our rage was not in all the painful arguments made towards each other
But the silence in between the moments where we could have apologized
Between the moments we could have told each other the truth about how much we meant to each other, but didn't
Between the moments we could have eaten together, or spent time together, but didn't
Between the moments we laid in bed thinking of each other, but not saying a word
Is it family that describes the ties between us?
To account for the common flesh and blood that runs within us?
I can not acknowledge the love you have for me, if you will not share it
Just as you can not acknowledge the love I have for you when I do not show it
~~~~~
Our life is not a symphony
It's what we make with our own two hands
Even if you will not share your heart with me, I will try to show you mine.
________________________________________________________________________
*~*~*~* Disclaimer*~*~*~*
Because the quote used in this poem has been credited to many composers including Mozart and Copeland, I have listed a couple citations that I've found that claims to be the source of the quote.
"Music is the space between the notes-- Claude Debussy"
Koomey, Jon. Turning Numbers into Knowledge: Mastering the Art of Problem Solving. Oakland, CA: Analytics, 2001. Print. p.96
"It is the silence between the notes that makes the music"
BenShea, Noah. The Word: Jewish Wisdom Through Time : a Spiritual Sourcebook. New York, NY: Villard Books, 1995. Print. p.333
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139,909 Literary Works • 672,737 Reviews
Hey there. I'm Jonathan! Here to review your poem.
Let me start with what I love about this. That quote in the beginning is beautiful, and I love the way you built off it (although I would ask that you give its author due credit-- my googling is turning up Mozart?). You've included some excellent figurative language, especially your similes in the 4th stanza. Love it. Now onto my nitpicks! I'll go by stanza... but disclaimer, you can take or leave any of my advice. It's up to you.
Okay. Let's start at stanza two. This is great, but there's one phrase that really fell flat to me. "A friendly game of verbal tennis" seems a bit meaningless and silly for such a poignant beginning. Just my opinion, but in my mind, this is overused and awkward. Consider cutting it out or editing it to something else.
For the third stanza, I'd warn you just about the dangers of repeating phrases. "Each other" is repeated, which is awkward and interrupts the flow you've got going on. Something that helps me is getting someone, usually one of my friends, to read my work out loud. A phrase or cadence that may be obvious to me is often lost when someone else reads the poem, and it's good/easy to catch that this way.
For the fourth stanza-- be wary of cliche. I like your similes here, but I'd encourage you to be even more creative! Don't be afraid to stray from the ideas of knives and blades, and try being more specific or even ignoring cliches altogether! It can be helpful to make a list of cliches relating to a certain topic, for instance: pain, and leave it by your computer/notebook/wherever you write. Challenge yourself to avoid them! I believe in you.
Finally, the fifth stanza. This is excellent. I love this sudden note (geddit? note?) of bitterness in the author's voice, and I think you executed this very well. Keep writing.
Jonathan
Hi Jonathan,
Thank you for your review. I had to brace myself for your nitpicking, but surprisingly I didn't feel too bad. Thanks for pointing out the lack of credit for the quote. I will look up how to include credits for poem, and add it in an update.
From what I understand is that there is a bit of awkwardness in stanza's two and three, and a cliche in stanza 4?
In response to the awkwardness and silliness, I thank you. It has motivated me to brainstorm further in order to make this a better poem.
In response to the cliche, I actually smiled at this critique, because it was intentionally cliche. Yes, knives and blades are used countlessly as metaphors, but when it comes to the feeling of betrayal, I felt a cliche was necessary. In life, there is no bigger cliche than a betrayal. Adam betrayed Eve. Cain betrayed Abel. Gertrude betrays Hamlet. However, the thought of finding a more creative way to express betrayal does intrigue me, and I will look further into it.
Your review is very thought-provoking, and it would be lovely if I could look forward to more reviews from you in the future.
I'm glad you took the time to read it and you didn't feel to bad afterwards!
Send me a message if you want me to read anything-- I'd be happy to.
I really liked the gradient of positive vibes to a more solemn and dark one. It is a transition that I feel most people could relate to with someone at least once in their lives, and you put this transition into words particularly well. The theme revolving around a symphony is well done as well, I have not seen anyone (as of now) compare human relations to the silence between music notes like you did. I have seen people saying that relationships are musical pieces themselves, but you did well in taking the music to a whole other deeper level. I applaud you for that. I hope you will continue to keep up the good work, and I look forward to seeing more from you!
Dang this was good. You know "feels"? I felt the feels. I saw, as I'm sure everyone did, one particular person when reading this. I thought of moments that described the words you said. I hope you keep making poetry, as it is beautiful. However, I think some of the points you made would be better if you added punctuation, but take that with a grain of salt, as you are obviously the better writer between us two! Again, keep writing! You are quite good! Also, if I may ask, what was the style of poetry you were going with?
Hi Joseph Hazel,
I am familiar with the term "feels", as your comment made me laugh. I appreciate the sentiment.
I also appreciate your note on the poem's grammar. It intrigued me because actually this is my first draft and I would actually be really happy (albeit also very sad, because perfectionists always want to be perfect on the first try- haha!) if you could pinpoint exactly where it caught your eye.
I wasn't really going along with any particular kind of style. This poem was pretty much poured out of me in the spur of the moment. I wrote in this way, because it is the way that made sense to me for what I wanted to say. I hope that makes sense. Perhaps I was writing along to the style that songwriters do. Again, I'm not very clear on poetry styles. Haha.
Thank you for your lovely comment.
Thanks for the response! I think what I meant to say was that if you added punctuation it would have more clarity. However, since I have reread your lovely poem, I'm not sure if you need it and I understood everything perfectly and I don't think it needs punctuation at all. It may have been that I already knew what was going to be said, so idek anymore. Again, you are better than me in every way thinkable, so grain of salt.