Hopeless Hokey Pokey

Heyo, Braiden here for a review on Review Day!

Alright, first off, I really loved this poem. It brought a really flowing but dark twist to a children's song that everybody knows, so we can see the very clear twist that you have put within the writing.

There were a few of rhythmic inconsistency is within the poem, and I am not sure if you meant to do that, butt it really provided another twist that I really liked:

The rhythmic inconsistencies with in writing served as metaphors and connections to the inconsistencies you know about within the poem. For example:

But you're no longer here
What is this all about?

Hey there. I'm Jonathan, here to review your poem! Let's get right into it, shall we?

I think this is a really good foundation for a dark poem. I very rarely truly enjoy pieces that try to be dark/scary, especially those built off a children's theme, because they're quite overdone. But I think that you came upon some good ideas here. And it's my job to try to help you develop those ideas! In this review, I'll be talking about three things I think you could improve on-- but keep in mind that you don't have to listen to me at all. You're the author, and you have 100% creative license.

Anyway. Firstly, let's talk about rhythmic inconsistencies-- lines that I found threw this poem off a bit. For instance, in the last line of your first stanza/verse, you say "What is it this about?" I assume that, true to the actual song, you'd include an "all" after "this" and before "about". /Not/ including that stopped up your rhythm a little bit... and the important thing was that you could have fixed it quite easily by reading your poem aloud to yourself. Make sure either you do that or you get someone else to read it for you and then you can eliminate any errors like this.

Secondly, tone. I really like the tone you have by the end-- it's very bitter and haunting. But I'm not really seeing that in the beginning. Make sure that either you have a specific build up to that bitterness or that it's consistent throughout the poem. Again, reading out loud-- and even recording yourself-- will help you here so you can listen to your own tone like an audience hearing this for the first time inside their heads. Do you sound the same throughout? If not, then you may want to check your word choice and other factors that may be contributing to this inconsistency.

And finally, I'd love to see you break from this pattern a little. I know the appeal is that it goes along with the Hokey Pokey song, but I really feel you could benefit from something else. It could be really haunting if you broke the pattern in the middle to give us a darker image and then returned to your refrain. Keep writing and tell me if there's anything I got wrong!

Jonathan

Hey, shiney's here to review

First Impressions
Well isn't this an interesting piece you've made. The vibe I got from it was indeed darker than than the song I grew up hearing. Basically, this poem is to the Hokey Pokey Song what the Grimm Fairy Tales are to Disney movies, if you get my meaning. I like what you tried to do here. Some of the words that came to my mind as I read this the first time included: loneliness, antisocial, fear, and tardiness. I'm not entirely sure what the whole message was here, but the poem was still intriguing nonetheless.

Nitpicks and Critique
Firstly, I like the fact that there are two people involved in this version of the rhyme. The interactions between them an symbolize a relationship anywhere from that of siblings, to that of friends, to that of lovers, and I'm kind of happy you left out the specifics.
All we know is that one person gives their all to another and is rejected initially, and later the other person comes around when its too late. Stuff like that happens a lot in real life, and I like how you made a song that most people regard as nonsense and made it relatable.

As for the structure of the poem itself: It could use a little work. I don't see anything wrong with starting each stanza similarly, but the rhyme scheme is off in a few areas. In stanza three, three the word "gone," coupled with the larger number of syllables in the sentence just break the flow. I had to reread the line again to get back into the poem's rhythm.

The same problem occurs in stanza two with "I got tired of running all around."
There are way too many syllables in this one line, and it disrupts the flow. If you can find a way to fix those areas, your poem would flow better.

Also, in the first stanza, "What is it this about?" should be "What is this all about" or something close to it.

In all, this is a pretty neat and creative poem. Check the grammar and the flow, and you will see and hear the improvement.

~shiney1

I love it. It shows a personal story, without it being personal, if that makes sense. One i can connect with without having to think about it. The words give a sting. A regretful sort of sadness while still being devoid of any emotion. I absolutely love it.