That time in the kitchen

Hi you!
manisha here to review for review day!

Firstly, separate the dialogues if the speaker is different. It goes easy on the eyes and easier for the reader to follow. I did it for now paragraph, the same can be applied to the others.

“You know this a pretty nice thing you’re doing for Liz. I hope Mark doesn’t mind me taking up all your time.” He said.
“Nah, he’s fine. I spend most of my time here anyways so he’s pretty use to it by now. Beside no one said he couldn’t come along.” I confessed.
“Well I’m glad we have this opportunity to hang out together one on one.”
During the awkward silence that fell, I hear the sound of the macaroni boiling over. “Aw crap.”
Before I can turn around to get a napkin, Eric was already standing behind me dabbing at the mess. “Thanks.” I say awkwardly trying to get around him, but he grabbed my wrist once I walked away.
“Ya know, I’m really glad you came over today.”
“Why?” I said backing into the wall.
“Just because.”

Tears welled up in my eyes at the sight of Jakes’ own tears.
Jakes' is Jake's

Lol, I read this as question mark as in '?'.

Even though this was short you got everything into it.
The only problem I have with it is that there is a lot of "telling" than "showing". I'm really bad at explaining this so I'll leave with you a link-

Overall, it was a fine read!
Good job!
-manisha

Hi FlowerPower! I'm here to review your short story for review day! I love the title already I will review as I read so that it will make a little more sense to both you and me. I tend to ramble off point otherwise.

Here goes!

I'm already loving your descriptions! This is going to be good!

I've noticed straight away that you are swapping between past and present tense. For example, where you write - “In the distance I hear a knife hitting against the cutting board as Eric chopped the celery and the multitude of other vegetables we were going to be eating that night.” - You either need to change the 'hear' to 'heard' or 'chopped' to 'chop'. You can't have both lol

You need to start a new line when there is a new speaker! Even though you know exactly what is going on! It's way too confusing for a new reader to follow!

I don't know why this is a short story! It has such a great potential to be something more! You've kind of left it hanging and I want more.

Good luck! Let me know if you do decide to do more!

Olive <3

Hey, SecreteJournalist here, reviewing for Green Lanterns! Happy review day to you

I think the easiest way for my to review is by paragraph, so expect a long review xD

The smell of burning gas filled the air as I set a pot of macaroni to boil. In the distance I hear a knife hitting against the cutting board as Eric chopped the celery and the multitude of other vegetables we were going to be eating that night. The sound of the chopping stopped once I made my way to the sink. “Finished.” I return his generous smile as he droped the knife and cutting board into the soapy abbys, his arm rubbing gently against mine.

Great first paragraph, I like the intro. I can tell this will be a great story. I think you meant to spell droped as dropped, and abbys as abyss. Just a hint


“You know this a pretty nice thing you’re doing for Liz. I hope Mark doesn’t mind me taking up all your time.” He said. “Nah, he’s fine. I spend most of my time here anyways so he’s pretty use to it by now. Beside no one said he couldn’t come along.” I confessed. “Well I’m glad we have this opportunity to hang out together one on one.” During the awkward silence that fell, I hear the sound of the macaroni boiling over. “Aw crap.” Before I can turn around to get a napkin, Eric was already standing behind me dabbing at the mess. “Thanks.” I say awkwardly trying to get around him, but he grabbed my wrist once I walked away. “Ya know, I’m really glad you came over today.” “Why?” I said backing into the wall. “Just because.”

Romance is in the air! Great concept, I am on the edge of my seat.

He kissed me with a fire unknown to me, he moved quickly from one place to another without hesitation. My body went from rigid to limp as I melted into his arms. My hands reached to caress his face and then eventually made its way up and intertwined into his short curly auburn hair. My heart raced fast and would skip the occasional beat when I would feel the pressure of his hand on my hip. When he moved to my neck my common sense began to rush back to my head, and I released my grip on him and tried to push him away.

Great! My is repeated a few times, you could try and use some replacement words? But overall, great!

“Eric, stop get off of me, stop.” I said still out of breath, “Don’t you like this?” He laughed. I continued to try to free myself as he laughed at my feeble attempts. Deciding to give up I placed my arms in front of me as if I was about to hold a dog. I hoped he would stop soon but even if he did I didn’t know what I would do.

Woah, romance to straight up crazy. But good so far!

“Eric stop, I hate you, get away!” I tried to push him away again. “I know you’ve lusted for me,” he said getting closer to my ear, “I did for a time many many years ago, but this, this is far from lust.” I tried my hardest to lean to my right to reach the pot I left on the counter, but before I could reach it a dark figure graced across the kitchen doorway. “Jake.” Eric’s son was standing there motionless. Someone I considered my own son, someone I loved since the day his mother, my best friend, gave birth to him. I could tell by the look in his eyes that his love for me was no longer there.

Yikes! But good job! I think you need a comma between the two "many's" though. But either than that, great.

At the sound of his name Eric turned around to face his son,“Shit.” Tears welled up in my eyes at the sight of Jakes’ own tears. I let out a small cry as I saw Eric’s fists coming towards me to punch the wall I was pushed against. He then slowly walked away with his head hung low and his hands rubbing against his face, he suddenly looked tired and confused. When my gaze returned to the doorway Jake was gone and I stood there alone. Still shaken up from the ordeal I grabbed my keys and hurried out the door, running into Liz in the driveway.

Space out the comma and the word "Shit", just a though. You are a great writer though, this is great so far!

“Hey you, why are you leaving so soon, I just got here?” The look in her face drew serious as she stepped closer to me. “Oh my God what’s wrong!?” She said grabbing my forearms. I couldn’t speak so I shook my head in response and drivved away.

This is a god story.. I keep wanting more! And I think you mean to spell drivved as drived. But either than that, great!

The next day

I woke up to the to the sound of my phone ringing. In the dark I feel around for my phone on the nightstand, “Hello”, I say finally reaching my face. “Did you dream about me, I dreamt about you.” It was Eric. “No I didn’t, and I never will.” I hung up the phone at the sound of his snicker. “Who was that?” Questioned Mark, “Just a telemarketer.” I said, snuggling closer to him and holding him tighter.

I absolutely love this, its something that grabs the reader and holds their hand to make sure they read through it! Your writing is truly wonderful, keep writing, and I will keep reading. I hope you didn't die after my long review! Great job though

~Sincerely
SecreteJournalist
AKA
Brie

Hey there!

Laura here to review your work!(:

So first thing I would like to bring up is the dialogue. You need to make it it's own paragraph when switching from character to character. During the story I had to guess who was talking which took away from everything.

Next, spelling. Just a few mistakes that can be easily fixed in a quick proof read. Better than me, since I write so quickly to get my ideas down before writers block kicks back in.

Now...when the kid walks in and starts to see this...what exactly is all of the punching the wall and everything? Is Eric married? Sorry, but all of that happened really quickly. No need to make a good story like this too short. People really like to take the word 'short' in short stories literally.

And Lastly (must be glad to see that), the last paragraph....what was that all about? I was so confused! Was he still mad? (this isn't really part of the review just me rambling lol) He's laughing after throwing that little scene? And what I got out of this is that he had the intention of raping her if his son hadn't come in, correct? That's why I want to know more!!

This was a good story, and I enjoyed this very much. Please keep it up!

Thank you!
-Laura(:

Yo, FloPo, it's VeeWee to reevee... you, this work.
If you know what I mean.