Regretful nights

I remember all the times I blamed you for things that went wrong in my life. Your cautiousness always held me back in life. But I always depended on you, because you were always there. Did I care about your life, and your problems? No, not like a ‘best friend’ should have. My problems were always bigger than yours so why should I even bother to worry about yours? I saw the hurt in your eyes that I caused but I continued with the pain. I was so filled with jealousy and anger I couldn't see past the red in my eyes to see what you really meant to me.

That faithful night still runs through my mind every night. As always I’d get drunk out of my mind, leaving you with the duties of taking care of me every Saturday night. You’d get mad at me but I didn't care, I knew in a day or two you’d be over it and we’d be back in this same endless cycle the next weekend. But you actually stood up to me that night. It caught me off guard just as much as I think it did you. I didn't want to hear it. Should I have listened, yes, but now I’d do anything to hear you yell at me again. For you to tell me that I’m destroying my life and ruining our ‘friendship’ and how I’m impossible to deal with. These words will be forever etched in my mind.

But I didn't listen! I didn't want to hear a single word you had to say, I just wanted to get as far away from you as possible. “Stop the car, I’m gonna walk home!” I yelled, not giving a damn that we were on the highway. I tried to open my door but my drunken mind couldn't figure out how to work the lock. So I moved my eyes to the next best thing; the steering wheel. I’d pull it to the right and you’d jerk it back to the left trying to regain control of the car, but I took it as a game and continued to yank it, causing the car to move in ways it shouldn't.

The doctors aren't quite sure why I remember certain parts from that night, be it from a brain injury, or from all the alcohol I consumed. But the accident stays vivid in my mind. Spots of dark red blood splattered on the windshield from where her head connected with the hard glass. Glass shattering all around us and the sudden realization that we were upside down. “Rachel!” I screamed, but there was no reply. I was told her neck broke on impact killing her instantly, and if it wasn't for that she’d probably had died a slow death from a number of other complications that seemed to pop up. The doctors say me being drunk saved my life, but my being drunk also took one.