Published September 6, 2010
She glances to the right, to the left.
Is it safe to pass?
This highway of colorless faces is driving her to despair.
She stands along the sidelines, slowly peering in;
Look left, look right-
Can’t get hurt again.
I put my toe into the lake,
And watch the water ripple 'round.
A terrible tsunami, it drives one life to the ground.
I wonder what I’ve done.
I wonder what I’ll do.
I think back on all the times I’ve cried,
And wonder if I caused her to do that too.
She puts a smile on her face.
She steps into the crowd.
She makes a ripple in the pond,
One she cannot erase.
I laugh, I jeer.
I drive the poor girl right to tears.
Then I go right to the bathroom stall
And cry, vowing not to do it anymore.
Why’s she got to be so rude? She wonders.
Why do I see the world in black and white? I say.
The answer to both is quite the same.
I was just raised this way.
No matter how I regret my actions,
They will never leave.
A scar will be dug in my heart,
Gouged deep and sure as ever.
And she will sit there all alone,
Wondering what’s next for her to weather.
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141,379 Literary Works • 674,384 Reviews
The first stanza was great. The rest of the poem, not so good.
The sudden jump from "she" to "I" needs more of a visual cue. Adding in a section break would help. Still, the "I" sections are extremely weak compared to the "she" sections, especially since "I"'s motivations are unclear and so her actions make no sense. Why the relentless teasing then crying? If such regret, then why is there no change in behavior? As such, "I" winds up being a wishy-washy narrator whose sole existence is to ramp up the angst. Blech.
I suggest either giving "I" clearer motivations in-poem, or cutting "I" out entirely. Angst for the sake of angst is never good in any form of writing. Angst as a result of conflict or any other clear and plausible reason is far more compelling.
There's also the matter of inconsistent rhyming. The first stanza has no rhyme. But then the second stanza has 'round/ground and do/too. That wouldn't have been so much an issue if you'd kept the semi-rhyming to only the "I" sections, but you don't, and so the rest of the poem can't seem to make its mind up as to whether its rhyming or not. And so the poem sounds odd.
Rhymes rely upon patterns to work effectively. Without a pattern, rhymes can wreck the flow of a poem, and while the flow hasn't been entirely wrecked, it has been altered in not-quite pleasant ways. Decide if your poem rhymes or doesn't, and which sections (if any) are to rhyme, then stick with it. It will make your poem read more smoothly.
Hey there Flit!
Well, I must say, I'm a bit confused by the transition from the first line to the second. It's like I had a movie playing in my head at:
Then BAM! Disconnect...
BAM! It's back, with a whole new picture:
Overall, I like this poem, the vague description leaves me wanting more.
One little nit-pick:
I personally don't like the last line, but it's all good!
Keep on writing!
~LPR