I’ve fallen in love with the man in the moon
And, at the crux of each night,
I’ll be listening hard for that soft spoken tune
A whisper which heralds the coming of light.
He waves at me from his biscuit-cut home
His hand lowered over his eyes.
Nose pressed to the window I watch as he roams
On a well trodden path through the far distant skies.
How are you, my dear? he shouts down to earth,
But my voice won’t carry that far.
I just want to tell him how much he is worth,
But I’m merely a bird chirping up at a star.
I know him as well as my God knows mankind
As well as the shore knows the sea.
As the letter in front knows the letter behind
As one note knows the next, as a lock knows a key.
I’ve fallen in love with the man in the moon
But come daybreak he fast fades away.
The endless bright hours cannot finish too soon;
Some fear the darkness; my terror is day.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey! Really nice work, I can't find much wrong with it at all, honestly. The title is awesome and immediately brings me to attention. I'm not a huge fan of rhyme either but it doesn't feel forced in this poem. I like the idea of how being in love with the man in the moon represents being in love with someone unreachable. That's very creative. Keep writing!
its deeper meaning is that it is not about being in love with the man in the moon
because that would be mad-
it is about really liking someone who is far away and unreachable.
xxx
So. A capturing title. And a whimsical piece, clearly. Not enough for me to fall in love with it, though - in fact, were it not for the first line and title (and the repetition of that), this poem would have very little making it unique. Take this with a grain of salt, coming from someone who does not enjoy rhyme. I do not enjoy rhyme for the reason that it is rarely subtle, and it ends up being that the rhyme drives the story of the poem rather than the other way around. The fact that each line has to end on a certain word means that (a) you only have so many words to choose from, and chances are that you'll pick something generic, hence uninteresting and that (b) the poem ends up meaning little overall since each stanza is more or less there for the rhyme.
However, I did not think this suffered too badly from the rhyme nonetheless. Possibly that was because the rhythm was remarkably lax, so instead of the words jumping up and down on bedsprings, there was some kind of lyrical, free-flowing effect achieved.
Nevertheless, there could have been more depth here, aside from the where-and-how-and-what the narrator has fallen in love with (but it's clearly a fantasticaly piece of writing, so I guess it needs a healthy dose of that as well). Think about what you've written. Aside from the flighty fancy of the beginning line, is there a lot that's making this poem have a powerful impact? What exactly do you want the readers to come away with at the end of it? Sure, you've got this great image of loving the man in the moon acting as the focal point for the writing, but I think that you could be more creative with this. You could give it so many more dimensions, subtly incorporated in - with 'head' and 'heart' being the essential main ones. You've got imagery sussed; now think about long-term effect. I would love to remember this poem in the distant future. But as it is now, I cannot do that, since it has little other than that one image holding it up. There are not deeper layers to discover. Nothing for me to chew over - mentally and emotionally.
But yes, a delight all the same. PM me if you have any questions.
Hi There!~
It was actually really amazing...I'm not sure what else to say, which I know isn't helpful because people post stuff on here to get hints of things to do better...but I really don't know what I could say ^^
why thankyou :]
i have remedied it. xx
I know why nobody has responded to this post yet -- they are speechless! This is extraordinary! What can I say?
I have just one bit of criticism, and that is impressive because I am a perfectionist. I understand the need to hold a consistant rhyme scheme, but the word "soon" is repeated in the last stanza. This is just a small thing, and not nearly enough for me to lower my ranking of this poem from 10 to 9.