NOTE: I wrote this story a few months ago in response to learning about a friend who was bulimic. She's since started eating and keeping it down, in part because of this story. I just reread it before posting, and I know it needs to be reworked, but I'm not exactly sure where. Critiques are helpful!
Revised 4-12-2007
"It shouldn't be taking him this long," Ted thought to himself. "Usually he's in and out."
Ted had been waiting for John to come back from the school restroom for 20 minutes. The basketball game had been over for a while, and there was still no sign of John. Fed up with his absence, Ted ventured over to the restroom. He opened the door and was immediately greeted with the horrible stench of vomit. Ted remembered a kid in the first period of the game run to the restroom, but even if he threw up, the smell would not linger this long.
Ted walked into the restroom and saw no one in the urnials. Ted then got on his hands and knees, looking under the stall walls for John's feet. He recognized John's shoes, but looking at them, Ted knew something was wrong. He ran over to the stall that John was in. Ted kicked open the door and flipped John over. John's eyes were closed, and his shirt was stained with blood and vomit.
Ted shook John, and John's eyes fluttered. He looked Ted in the eys and started stammering, "I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm sorry..."
Ted yelled at John, "What are you sorry about? Why are you sorry? Sorry for what?!"
John stammered incoherently, then said, "I thought I could quit."
"Quit what?" asked Ted, anticipating the answer.
"I felt fat," said John, "so I started making myself throw up. When I got to the weight I wanted to be at, I--" John gagged -- "I thought I could quit. But then I couldn't keep anything down." John's lips trembled, and a single tear crawled down his face. "I'm scared," he continued hoarsely. "It hurts to swallow, man. Something's wrong with my throat, and it hurts to swallow my own spit."
John coughed, turned to the toilet, and threw up blood. He turned back to Ted and said, "I can't handle this, man. I feel like... I feel..." John's eyes rolled to the back of his head, and he passed out.
Ted was on the verge of tears as he yelled at his friend. "John! John wake up!" he shouted. "Do not die on me, John! We can get you help!"
Ted violently shook John to wake him up. Weakly, John opened his eyes. The two stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity. John reached his frail hand to Ted's shoulder. John mouthed some words, but Ted couldn't make out what he was trying to say. "What? I can't hear you, John," said Ted. "Speak up."
John's eyes started to gloss over. With tears running down his pale face, John let out a barely audible whisper. "I'm sorry," he said. "I'm so, so sorry." John's hand slowly slid from Ted's shoulder and landed on the floor.
Ted stared at what was once his best friend. There would be no more late nights watching movies and drinking Mountain Dew. There would be no more comics drawn in class. There would be no more inside jokes. All Ted could do was stand up and walk out of the restroom, numb to everything around him.
Before he left, Ted stopped in the doorway, looked back at the body that once was John. John's eyes were half open, his body limp, his shirt covered with stains of vomit and blood. Ted sighed, turned off the lights in the restroom, and walked out of the school. He climbed into his car and pulled out of the parking lot, wondering how his parents would take it when he told them.
If his parent's were like him, they didn't know.
If the town was like him, nobody knew.
I liked it, although the end bit, where Ted says he doesn't know how to tell his parents? I didn't find that fit much with the whole numb feeling he's supposed to be experiencing, but yeah I dunno I guess that's me. Well, good work anyhow it's a tough subject but makes for good reading.
Oh, haha, that was me forgetting to delete the rest of a sentence that I'd rewritten. I'm so sorry, I feel like such an idiot! 
Meep wrote:when John dies, I can't picture his buddy just leaving him there. I think he'd probably panic, call for help, shake John like crazy, cry, something. Ted doesn't seem to have a whole lot of emotional response to the death of a close friend, and while I can understand blocking it out, that usually comes after the panic stage.
Meep wrote:Oh, and no
What's really interesting is that the people here are boys. It's an underrepresented problem, although it's gaining more and more attention. I was a little suprised; I admit that I was expecting the story to be about a girl, because that's usually the image of someone with an eating disorder. Kudos.
One thing I noticed was the single tear. It may be a personal preference, but I just can't stand it, regardless of the context. It drives me batty.
Also, when John dies, I can't picture his buddy just leaving him there. I think he'd probably panic, call for help, shake John like crazy, cry, something. Ted doesn't seem to have a whole lot of emotional response to the death of a close friend, and while I can understand blocking it out, that usually comes after the panic stage.
Oh, and no
Meshugenah wrote:Near the end, you used "Do not." Do not use "do not" in dialogue unless you have a really formal character! But, as Ted doesn't strike me as formal, and he's rather panicky, use contractions. Please. Plus, they help build a frantic tone, and that would help, and again, it's what you're going for, here, I think.
Meshugenah wrote:"I felt fat," said John, "so I started making myself throw up. When I got to the weight I wanted to be at, I thought I could quit. But then I couldn't keep anything down. I'd drink milk in the morning, and throw it up minutes later. It hurts to swallow, man. Something's wrong with my throat, and it hurts to swallow my own spit."
Just how likely is it that someone who's throat is sore and who can barely swallow and who keeps throwing up blood could give that huge speech? Not very! So! Break it up.
Ok! Let's get cracking, shall we?
First off, though subject to handle, period. I don't care what anyone says about this. Kudos to you for writing it in the first place. Now, you do have a few places that need to be tweaked, mostly for emotional impact. One of the first things I noticed was your apparent aversion to pronouns. They are your friend. It's not a huge problem, but it's highly distracting, and is awkward when read. Read it aloud to yourself, and if you find yourself wanting to use "he" instead of a name, change it! Just make sure you don't confuse the reader as to who's doing what (I'm horribly guilty of this, and I love Crysi and Paroxysm Effect for helping me with that), so just ask a friend, here or at school to help with that if needed. Some people have a talent for it, and I'm jealous.
He opened the door and was immediately greeted with the horrible stench of vomit and stomach acid. Ted remembered a kid in the first period of the game run to the restroom, but even if he threw up, the smell would not linger this long.
vomit, stomach acid, and blood.
He looked Ted in the eyes and started stammering, "I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm sorry..."
Ted yelled at John, "What are you sorry about? Why are you sorry? Sorry for what?!"
John stammered incoherently, then said, "I thought I could quit."
"I felt fat," said John, "so I started making myself throw up. When I got to the weight I wanted to be at, I thought I could quit. But then I couldn't keep anything down. I'd drink milk in the morning, and throw it up minutes later. It hurts to swallow, man. Something's wrong with my throat, and it hurts to swallow my own spit."
:O
...wow..... :O! lol
very good peice of work you have here, very sad 
definalty a topic that i think more people need to writeabout, maybe need to write about, I have a friend who went through this and she is now writing about what happened to her, obviously she didn't die but its such a scary thing, and i think you were brave to write about it in such a good and clever way, well done!
Wow (again)
Meevs
x
Wow....that is one way of shocking someone out of becoming bulimic!
It was really good but there needed to be more...tension and Ted didn't really call for help or anything...
I liked this:
All Ted could do was stand up and walk out of the restroom, numb to everything around him.
=O thats fantastic.
well, no it isnt, its terrible that he died and how, but its so well written, i nearly cried.
is there anymore to it? thats what I want to know. The ending was so realistic, Im lost for words.
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