z

Young Writers Society



Eleven Days in Hell #5

by Flemzo


[NOTE: Again, sorry for the delay. Life likes to play little tricks that distract me from writing.]

A cool breeze floated across Arnold’s face, and he woke up to an officer fanning him with a piece of paper. He tried to stand up, but a hand rested on his shoulder, keeping him down. After a short while, Kevin appeared in front of him.

“How’re you feeling?” he asked.

Arnold shrugged. “I’ve felt better, I guess.”

“Do you think you’re up to answering a few questions?”

“I—I guess so.”

Kevin took out a notepad and pen. “What did you see when you came into the house?” he asked.

“Everything was overturned and thrown around,” said Arnold.

“Do you think anything was missing?”

“No, they probably did this to—”

“I’m not asking you for an analysis. I’m just asking you if you think they took anything.”

“Sorry. No, I don’t think anything is missing.”

“Was there anyone in the house with you?”

“As far as I know, I was alone. I mean, I heard a voice in my ear, but I didn’t feel anyone there.”

“Chief,” said one of the officers. “I think I found something.”

Kevin left Arnold sitting in his chair. He walked over to the officer, who was pointing to a dark object attached to the wall.

“Oh my God,” he said. “It’s a bug.”

Arnold started to rise, but Kevin motioned to him to sit. After a moment, he walked over to Arnold. “We need to get you out of here,” he said.

Arnold cocked his eyebrow. “Why?” he asked.

“We think your house is bugged. We found either a microphone or a tiny speaker, which could explain the voice in your ear. Either way, you’re not safe in this house, and we need to get you out of here.”

“Where am I going to go?” Arnold asked.

“I don’t know,” Kevin said, but Arnold could see in his eyes that he knew exactly where Arnold was going to be placed.

“What do I do till then?” asked Arnold.

“Just wait in the car,” replied Kevin.

It was a long, lonely ride to the town of Wilson, population of 75 during the day, and twelve at night. The motel was located along the highway, which doubled as the main drag. Arnold was placed in room 153, a non-smoking room that reeked of marijuana and body odor. The walls, once a glimmering white, were now a dingy yellow color because of the many layers of smoke over the years. Arnold looked around the room, and sighed. Being holed up in here for the next ten days was not going to be fun. The clock on the nightstand read 8:49 PM, and he knew that he had survived his first day; some quick figuring told him that there were nine days, twenty-two hours, and eleven minutes left in his life, and he would be damned if he were to spend those precious days in a crappy motel room.

Arnold reached into his pocket and pulled out the information to his new identity: Robert Thompson, from Waco. He sighed—five hours of paperwork later, and all they could think of for a false name was “Robert Thompson”? He picked up the phone to call room service, but there was no dial tone. He hung up the phone and turned on the television, hoping to find some way to be connected to the outside world. He flipped through the channels of static, looking for the one channel that came in clearly. He stopped on a local news channel that was doing a short news update about a detective in Lorendo.

“… Authorities say that Detective Baxter will be placed in the witness protection program until further notice.”

The camera cut to Kevin at a podium in front of the Lorendo Police Station.

“Considering the circumstances, we feel that he was in great danger, and by keeping him around when he didn’t need to be, he was putting the rest of us in danger, as well.”

“The witness protection program was established with the Organized Crime Control Act of 1970,” said the reporter. “Witnesses in the program are given a new identity and location. Because of this, we are not allowed to give any further information about the detective or his whereabouts.”

Arnold turned off the television and tried to relax. He was told that he couldn’t contact any of his family or friends, and he had to stay in his motel room until further notice. He had no clothes to change into, nor was he able to bring something along to keep him occupied. The only thing he had going for him was a television that was able to get one channel and the Gideon Bible.

As Arnold flipped through the Bible, he started to reflect on his faith, or lack thereof. When his father died in a car accident, Arnold was only thirteen. His life was already falling apart around him, as much as the lives of thirteen-year-olds can fall apart: his hormones were raging, he was losing friends and struggling to gain new ones, and everything he believed in seemed like a fantasy. His father’s death was the final event that pushed him over the edge, and he renounced everything he believed in. His belief in family, his belief in his self, and his belief in God all took a nosedive into the hills. For nearly twenty years after that, he went on a campaign to gather knowledge about everything, in order to prove to himself what he could believe in and what he couldn’t. After a long, grueling process of poring over Bible interpretations and science textbooks, he decided that there couldn’t possibly be a God, and closed that chapter of his life for good, or so he thought.

Nearly forty years later, Arnold was now lying on a motel bed, casually flipping through a Gideon Bible, re-evaluating his position in life. With less than ten days on his life, he wondered if there might be a God after all—at this point, he wasn’t going to rule anything out. He flipped through each individual page, traveling at a skimming speed through Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus; racing through the Samuels, Kings, and Chronicles. He paused for a moment at the book of Job; he always felt sorry for Job, the cause of his suffering being a deal made between God and Satan. He knew that this was the main reasoning behind his shunning of God, but as he reflected more on the book, he realized that through all of that pain, Job still managed to praise Him. Arnold kept those musings in the back of his mind as he began to flip through the Psalms.

Arnold looked at the clock on the night stand: nearly 11:00 PM. Almost nine days and twenty hours until his death. He sighed and stretched, and was about to put the Bible back in its drawer when a verse caught his eye—Psalms 121:3: “He who watches over you will not slumber.”

From the desk across the room, Arnold’s phone rang. He froze—it was a brand new cell phone, and as far as he knew, only Kevin had the number. He turned back to the verse in the Bible—“He who watches over you will not slumber”—and suddenly got a bad feeling about the phone call. He inched his way closer to the phone, and checked the number: ID Restricted. Against his better judgment, he picked up the phone and answered it.

“Hello, Robert,” said a voice at the other end. “Enjoying your stay at your fancy motel?”

Arnold did not speak; instead, his mind raced with every thought imaginable: Who is this guy? Why does he have my cell phone number? How did he know my false name?

“I know you’re there, Detective,” said the voice. “It’s no use trying to hide. We’re always watching you.”

Arnold turned back to the Bible lying open on his bed. “Who is this?” he asked.

“Oh, you’ll find out soon enough. Enjoy your stay in room 153.”

The line went dead. Arnold replaced the phone on the desk, and put the Gideon Bible back in its drawer. He sat numbly on his bed and stared at the window as he listened to the crunch and crack as a car, presumably parked in front of his room, drove away. He peeked out from behind his curtains as he saw a rusty truck pull onto the highway, and drive back toward town. Assuming the room was bugged, he picked up his cell phone, and made the long walk toward the front desk. A large woman behind the desk greeted him as he walked up.

“What can I do for you, hon?” she asked.

“I have a complaint about the room I’m staying in. Is it okay if I switch?”


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
119 Reviews


Points: 2154
Reviews: 119

Donate
Thu Aug 27, 2009 2:38 pm
roon wrote a review...



Roon, again!

Kevin left Arnold sitting in his chair. He walked over to the officer, who was pointing to a dark object attached to the wall.

Dark object? Be a little more creative, please? The rest of your writing is of such a high quality.

Arnold cocked his eyebrow. “Why?” he asked.

I think you mean lifted his eyebrow.

“We think your house is bugged. We found either a microphone or a tiny speaker, which could explain the voice in your ear. Either way, you’re not safe in this house, and we need to get you out of here.”

A lot of this is unneeded.
An alternative would be:
“We think your house is bugged, which could explain the voice in your ear. You’re no longer safe in this house, we need to get you out of here.”

The walls, once a glimmering white, were now a dingy yellow color because of the many layers of smoke over the years.

I’m pretty sure this is the only description of the room that you give us. All we know is that the walls are yellow.

some quick figuring told him that there were nine days, twenty-two hours, and eleven minutes left in his life,

Some quick figuring? Unless this guy is a mathematician as well as a police officer, this wouldn’t be quick.

and he would be damned if he were to spend those precious days in a crappy motel room.

And he then proceeds to do nothing about it…

The only thing he had going for him was a television that was able to get one channel and the Gideon Bible.

The only things that he had, to stave off the boredom, were a television that only got one channel, and the Gideon Bible.
That sounds better, you don’t have to take it word for word, but it needs changing.

His life was already falling apart around him, as much as the lives of thirteen-year-olds can fall apart: his hormones were raging, he was losing friends and struggling to gain new ones, and everything he believed in seemed like a fantasy.

Strange punctuation here.

His father’s death was the final event that pushed him over the edge, and he renounced everything he believed in. His belief in family, his belief in his self, and his belief in God all took a nosedive into the hills.

Too much repetition. Also, a nosedive into the hills? Hills are high up. Try valleys? I don’t know, but it just doesn’t sound right at all.

For nearly twenty years after that, he went on a campaign to gather knowledge about everything, in order to prove to himself what he could believe in and what he couldn’t.

A campaign to gather knowledge about everything?

After a long, grueling process of poring over Bible interpretations and science textbooks, he decided that there couldn’t possibly be a God, and closed that chapter of his life for good, or so he thought.

Gruelling*, unless it’s a British thing, also, this whole paragraph (this isn’t all of it I know) seems remarkably like an info dump to me. It just sort of came out of nowhere.

With less than ten days on his life, he wondered if there might be a God after all—at this point, he wasn’t going to rule anything out.

I think you mean of his life, if not I don’t think this makes much sense. Also, when people change their beliefs, they change them drastically, if you want to portray change, have him praying.

He flipped through each individual page, traveling at a skimming speed through Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus; racing through the Samuels, Kings, and Chronicles.

Just say he flipped through the pages, skimming over the various texts, there’s no need to list them.

He knew that this was the main reasoning behind his shunning of God, but as he reflected more on the book, he realized that through all of that pain, Job still managed to praise Him. Arnold kept those musings in the back of his mind as he began to flip through the Psalms.

Is he trying to show a likeness between himself and Job? Try to make it more obvious if he is. Also, you don’t need to tell us the story, it’s not really relevant to your story.

He sat numbly on his bed and stared at the window as he listened to the crunch and crack as a car, presumably parked in front of his room, drove away.

The crunch and crack of what, what is on the ground, gravel? What? Show us what’s going on.

Assuming the room was bugged, he picked up his cell phone, and made the long walk toward the front desk.

Why would he pick up his cell if the guy knew his number?

“I have a complaint about the room I’m staying in. Is it okay if I switch?”
Nooooo, he will expect this! See that’s what I’m talking about, engaging the reader!

Okay, so you still need to work on those huge sentences, and you need to work on your description, believability, character development. All this, and you still keep us hooked! It’s a really wonderful read, ever time, but I can’t put my finger on why! Your writing style is great, you just need to work some more emotion in here, to engage us further.

Well done on another fantastic piece, if you look at my previous comments about scenery and characters, and apply them all through, this could be stunning.

~ Roon




User avatar
369 Reviews


Points: 15698
Reviews: 369

Donate
Tue Jul 22, 2008 12:31 pm
Conrad Rice wrote a review...



Good so far. I thought that your dialogue was superb, but maybe a little long. Maybe consider clipping it for length. Your descriptions were very well done. You showed us more than just what can be seen, which is something I have rarely seen in the things I have reviewed. Arnold's thoughts and self reflections are also very well done. They serve to add some depth to him and make him even more believable. Well, on to the next chapter!




User avatar
24 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 24

Donate
Wed Jul 09, 2008 8:37 pm
Sugarbowl wrote a review...



Again, I have to congratulate you on some well timed and very fluent description. The first paragraph of the second section was probably the best example of this.

Arnold was placed in room 153, a non-smoking room that reeked of marijuana and body odor.


I liked that bit especially :D I think your work is at its best when its frank, honest and doesn't try too hard to be too eloquent. In that paragraph, you slip into a comfortable tone, with good, varied sentence structure and length, and the simple description like the quote above works very well with that tone.

Similarly to chapter four though, you don't slip into this natural rhythm and tone quite as easily when you're writing dialogue. On one hand, what's actually said in this chapter is much better than last time; it's more natural and less forced. However, the large section of dialogue at the start gets rather tiresome towards the end. If I were you, I would break it up with those sections that you do so well; Arnold's "inner monologues". There's a few opportunities to do this, like here:

“As far as I know, I was alone. I mean, I heard a voice in my ear, but I didn’t feel anyone there.”


Arnold's a smart guy, and must notice what it would look like to admit hearing a voice whilst being adamant that you were alone :D I would play on this fact; have Arnold think about what an idiot he must look like, what Kevin must think of him, what the possible explanation for the voice could be. You can do sections like that very well, so I wouldn't be afraid to use them more often.

I also liked the new references to religion. I haven't bothered to check if it is, but if the verse you quoted from the bible is really in there, that's a pretty smart find :D The bits about his faith and his past flowed well and were nice and easy to read.

So, overall, don't be afraid to do what you do best, and do it more often. You need dialogue in your story, but don't be afraid to break it up with sections that, in my opinion, show off your skills to greater effect.

Thanks for the read :D

Josh





cron
I think the more you understand myths, the more you understand the roots of our culture and the more things will resonate.
— Rick Riordan