Roon, again!
Kevin left Arnold sitting in his chair. He walked over to the officer, who was pointing to a dark object attached to the wall.
Dark object? Be a little more creative, please? The rest of your writing is of such a high quality.
Arnold cocked his eyebrow. “Why?” he asked.
I think you mean lifted his eyebrow.
“We think your house is bugged. We found either a microphone or a tiny speaker, which could explain the voice in your ear. Either way, you’re not safe in this house, and we need to get you out of here.”
A lot of this is unneeded.
An alternative would be:
“We think your house is bugged, which could explain the voice in your ear. You’re no longer safe in this house, we need to get you out of here.”
The walls, once a glimmering white, were now a dingy yellow color because of the many layers of smoke over the years.
I’m pretty sure this is the only description of the room that you give us. All we know is that the walls are yellow.
some quick figuring told him that there were nine days, twenty-two hours, and eleven minutes left in his life,
Some quick figuring? Unless this guy is a mathematician as well as a police officer, this wouldn’t be quick.
and he would be damned if he were to spend those precious days in a crappy motel room.
And he then proceeds to do nothing about it…
The only thing he had going for him was a television that was able to get one channel and the Gideon Bible.
The only things that he had, to stave off the boredom, were a television that only got one channel, and the Gideon Bible.
That sounds better, you don’t have to take it word for word, but it needs changing.
His life was already falling apart around him, as much as the lives of thirteen-year-olds can fall apart: his hormones were raging, he was losing friends and struggling to gain new ones, and everything he believed in seemed like a fantasy.
Strange punctuation here.
His father’s death was the final event that pushed him over the edge, and he renounced everything he believed in. His belief in family, his belief in his self, and his belief in God all took a nosedive into the hills.
Too much repetition. Also, a nosedive into the hills? Hills are high up. Try valleys? I don’t know, but it just doesn’t sound right at all.
For nearly twenty years after that, he went on a campaign to gather knowledge about everything, in order to prove to himself what he could believe in and what he couldn’t.
A campaign to gather knowledge about everything?
After a long, grueling process of poring over Bible interpretations and science textbooks, he decided that there couldn’t possibly be a God, and closed that chapter of his life for good, or so he thought.
Gruelling*, unless it’s a British thing, also, this whole paragraph (this isn’t all of it I know) seems remarkably like an info dump to me. It just sort of came out of nowhere.
With less than ten days on his life, he wondered if there might be a God after all—at this point, he wasn’t going to rule anything out.
I think you mean of his life, if not I don’t think this makes much sense. Also, when people change their beliefs, they change them drastically, if you want to portray change, have him praying.
He flipped through each individual page, traveling at a skimming speed through Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus; racing through the Samuels, Kings, and Chronicles.
Just say he flipped through the pages, skimming over the various texts, there’s no need to list them.
He knew that this was the main reasoning behind his shunning of God, but as he reflected more on the book, he realized that through all of that pain, Job still managed to praise Him. Arnold kept those musings in the back of his mind as he began to flip through the Psalms.
Is he trying to show a likeness between himself and Job? Try to make it more obvious if he is. Also, you don’t need to tell us the story, it’s not really relevant to your story.
He sat numbly on his bed and stared at the window as he listened to the crunch and crack as a car, presumably parked in front of his room, drove away.
The crunch and crack of what, what is on the ground, gravel? What? Show us what’s going on.
Assuming the room was bugged, he picked up his cell phone, and made the long walk toward the front desk.
Why would he pick up his cell if the guy knew his number?
Nooooo, he will expect this! See that’s what I’m talking about, engaging the reader!“I have a complaint about the room I’m staying in. Is it okay if I switch?”
Okay, so you still need to work on those huge sentences, and you need to work on your description, believability, character development. All this, and you still keep us hooked! It’s a really wonderful read, ever time, but I can’t put my finger on why! Your writing style is great, you just need to work some more emotion in here, to engage us further.
Well done on another fantastic piece, if you look at my previous comments about scenery and characters, and apply them all through, this could be stunning.
~ Roon
Points: 2154
Reviews: 119
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