There is a grammatical error in the chorus ("Somehow this just don't seem right"). It's there to fit the meter I had. So, yes, I've noticed it, and I won't correct it.
Song is based on a true story, and I hope it will win me some money for college!
Burning All My Memories
I saw your picture in the paper yesterday.
What I read made me want to scream:
You're getting married. So it's true what they all say.
Feels like I won't wake from a terrible dream.
I cut your picture out, and I took it to the shed
Late at night, so no one would know.
I took a lighter, watch the flame glowing red;
I should have done this a long, long time ago.
CHORUS:
I'm burning all my memories,
The smoke curls up into the trees.
I wonder what's become of me.
The flames shoot high into the night,
Somehow this just don't seem right.
They fly away, they're out of sight
So easily.
I'm burning all my memories.
I found a shoe box with all your writings tucked inside.
I browsed through them till I broke down.
I burst through the back door, stormed my way outside.
I watched the flames kill them without a sound.
CHORUS:
'Cause I'm burning all my memories,
The smoke curls up into the trees.
I wonder what's become of me.
The flames shoot high into the night,
Somehow this just don't seem right.
They fly away, they're out of sight
So easily.
I'm burning all my memories.
BRIDGE:
Now there's nothing left of you;
You're just smoke in the air.
There's nothing left to do,
You are finally out of my hair.
CHORUS x2
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Nice
I'm not too sure about this bit of the chorus
but I really liked the first part. It's probably just the repetition of the 'I's that gets me.
Hair? It seemed very out of place. Yes it rhymes but I think that's about it. This just doesn't work here at all sorry.
But the chorus is wonderful.
The so easily bit shows how quickly the flames can consume the paper, giving the reader a vivid image and a thought of resignation.
Hope this helps
Peace V
Ello there!
I thoroughly enjyed your poem,
but a few things.
Somehow in the chorus,
"So Easily."
Doesn't seem to fit well.
Maybe because of length..
Maybe do something like,
"Desolving into air, so easily."
Something, or another...
And another thing is, the bridge...
"Your finally out of my hair"
Doesn't seem to comprehend with the rest.
Try re-writing that line,
"Your no longer in my care"
Something like that,
I believe would fit!
>.<
I did love your poem...
7.5/10!
Ello there!
I thoroughly enjyed your poem,
but a few things.
Somehow in the chorus,
"So Easily."
Doesn't seem to fit well.
Maybe because of length..
Maybe do something like,
"Desolving into air, so easily."
Something, or another...
And another thing is, the bridge...
"Your finally out of my hair"
Doesn't seem to comprehend with the rest.
Try re-writing that line,
"Your no longer in my care"
Something like that,
I believe would fit!
>.<
I did love your poem...
7.5/10!
Loved it!!! True Brilliance.
I really like this Flem. I like the how you kept up the ryhms. This is really good for a first time song. Keep up the good work!
-Rick
The chorus sounds a little akward towards the end. That's all I could find. I like the thought, it's kinda like the songs I write, not in rythmic pattern or the components but just the fact that it's sad.
This sounds like it'd be more soft rock or pop lyrics right?
Loved the song flemmy.