Young Writers Society

Hi FlamingPhoenix,

Mailice here with a short review!

That's an interesting short story. When you read the first sentence, you don't know what to expect at the end, and when you read the first paragraph, you expect some kind of report about the time zones, and when you reach the end, you realise that everything is just part of your own imagination.

It's a strange and also an exciting story, because you keep the reader guessing, and like walking through the quiet house at night, you don't realise that "something is there" until you're long out of the safe haven of your warm bed.

You have a very metaphorical way of putting the unknown here and somehow I could also put myself in the narrator's shoes very well, because I did it kind of similarly. D One thing that struck me is the change of tone. At the beginning they write "Well that isn't true kids", where I assume that the character is already a bit older, but in the later course it doesn't come across so directly and I would try to either leave out the sentence or make it come across as a narration by grandmother, who wants to pass on a little virtue.

There are some minor spelling mistakes in the story, so would just give it a quick read over when it comes to a re-release. There is also one small thing that I noticed:

I wanted to go to my mother and fathers room,

Hi, it's Tawsif here for a review.

I liked the concept of portraying the horrors a child faces when he/she wakes up from sleep midnight. But the elements of suspense and horror were somewhat missing. You added one particular strange sound, there could be a lot more other things. Like screeching doors, shadows (you did mention shadows, but didn't describe them much), darkness and so on. You could also write about the internal conflicts in the mind of the character, the emotions, the feelings of frustration.

The last line was slightly confusing for me. If this was an imagination in sleep, then it would be a dream. But the MC was still awake when you started the story, so how come it's a dream? A bit more clarity is what you need in this part.

You have an addiction for putting commas, I see. I used to do that at some stage. But be careful while using commas, 'cause they might wreck the smoothness and flow of sentences. And you definitely don't want that to happen.

Overall, a nice story, FlamingPhoenix. Keep writing.

can I just say that I am sorry it was a bit harsh , I have read it through now properly uit is really good but as I said before the ending needs some work because its not inspiring its plain and basic. some books that's great. but in this it does not help engage the reader at the end. what I would do is try to plan out the story first so you know what you are going to write for the Beginning , middle and end , this helps you add more empotive lauauage to the story.

that was the only problem I found well done

8.5/10

right.. uh do not get the whole concept of the story , don't get me wrong it started off really great building up tension and suspense then you go and ruin it with a very predictable ending. why could you not have ended it with a cliff hanger or something terrifying to grip the readers. you built all that tension up and all we get is a shadow monster that's really basic. try broadening your imagination read other short stories on here and compare yours to thiers. I wont be complety negative because you had a great plot and a great sense of your audience just in the future try not to make it so predictable it wont make readers read it again because it is not unique.


6.5/10 well done

Hi @FlamingPhoenix I am here to do a review on your grate chapter here, So lets start with what I like about it.

What I like About It

I can really say that I loved this, for I feel like imagination does run away with you sometimes, its very true I tell you, I think your description was really good as well, one thing i can say is that i do agree with @RandomVanGloboii things feeling a bit rushed after the introduction to the short story, but that't fine everything always needs ficksing.

Reel true lines

This was different, it was quit in a spooky way, in away once a child hears it they can NOT go back to sleep.

Looking around, all I could see was the moons glow shining though my blinds.

So ... it really was just his/her imagination?

Hi there! Toboldlygo here for a review! And I am still using my phone, so please be patient with typos/mistakes. My keyboard is small and my thumbs fat.

This piece has a very interesting arc. My first impression was that there was something happening outside. Then I realized that the kid was imagining something, and I expected to find out what s/he was imagining. I thought that would ba very exciting story with great potential. Then, I found out that it was imagined, but we didn't know what it was, and it finished with the kid running to the parents and getting a moral. To be honest, it was a bit of a letdown after anticipating a scary story. I think more detail into what's being imagined would be more exciting to read.

The quality of the writing is excellent, however. It's very clear and easy to understand, and the story progresses well. It's a very nice piece of writing, but I think it could use more details to elaborate what's happening. I loved the hiding under the sheets part. That was excellent.

Overall, this is a very good piece. I think it's got potential, but the way it's currently written, it's somewhat lacking. It sounds very much like a moral without a story, if I'm making sense. I would recommend turning it into a story with a moral, so that we get the enjoyment of the story you're trying to write. I do like this, so please don't be discouraged. I'm being harsh because I think it has the potential to be that much better.

Happy Writing!

Toboldlygo

Hello Phoenix, here is my review!
I really like the subject, a lot. Expecting something terrible to happen and instead it's only the imagination, explained like in a moral story. The part I like more is the introduction:

Have you ever thought of what goes on around you when you are asleep? Well I know what you think, everything is quit, and normal. Everyone is tucked up in their beds, getting the sleep they lac from the days hard work. Well that isn’t true kids. You see as a child I had a nasty surprise when I was tucked up in bed. Let me start from the beginning.