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Night Time Surprise

by FlamingPhoenix


Have you ever thought of what goes on around you when you are asleep? Well I know what you think, everything is quit, and normal. Everyone is tucked up in their beds, getting the sleep they lac from the days hard work. Well that isn’t true kids. You see as a child I had a nasty surprise when I was tucked up in bed. Let me start from the beginning.

It all started when my mother and father had gone to bed, the whole house was quit, and peaceful. Just when I was about to close my eyes, and get some rest I heard a sound outside, and no it’s not the night insects, or the feral cats. This was different, it was quit in a spooky way, in away once a child hears it they can NOT go back to sleep. So there I was awake in bed afraid. I wanted to go to my mother and fathers room, but I felt like something was watching me. Slowly I sank under the protection of the covers, hoping whatever it was would go away.

After sometime wondering if it would be safe enough to leave the comfort of my bed. I peeked my eyes over the edge of the blanket. Looking around, all I could see was the moons glow shining though my blinds. Coating my room in a soft, milky color. Slowly sitting up, I let my body come out from under the blankets, as I swung my feet over the edge of the bed, my warm toes meet the soft velvet of the carpet that coats my bedroom floor.

Slowly I stood up, and looked around, still afraid of something jumping out at me. But again nothing, as quietly as I could I crept across my room to the door. I took the silver handle in both my small hands and opened the door, a faint creaking sound filled the quit room. Gritting my teeth I opened the door all the way. Freezing in place I peered out into the dark hall.

As fast as I could, I dashed across the hall to my parent’s door. Stopping in front of it, I took the handle and opened the door. Slowly I walked into the quit room, making my way over to their bed I made sure to look around me. But their room was also free of any type of monster.

I poked my father’s shoulder once I had climbed onto the bed, hoping to wake him up. But the reacting I got was not what I was expecting when he awoke. He just told me it was nothing and I should go back to bed. Slowly I got off the bed and make my way to my own. And got into my own cold bed. The whole night I stayed up watching the shadows of monsters, that seemed to mock me that I sat there afraid.

So you see kids that is my story, but it’s not as bad as it sounds. You see there is one thing that doesn’t sleep when you are, your own imagination.


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27 Reviews


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Wed May 08, 2019 3:09 am
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Tawsif wrote a review...



Hi, it's Tawsif here for a review.

I liked the concept of portraying the horrors a child faces when he/she wakes up from sleep midnight. But the elements of suspense and horror were somewhat missing. You added one particular strange sound, there could be a lot more other things. Like screeching doors, shadows (you did mention shadows, but didn't describe them much), darkness and so on. You could also write about the internal conflicts in the mind of the character, the emotions, the feelings of frustration.

The last line was slightly confusing for me. If this was an imagination in sleep, then it would be a dream. But the MC was still awake when you started the story, so how come it's a dream? A bit more clarity is what you need in this part.

You have an addiction for putting commas, I see. I used to do that at some stage. But be careful while using commas, 'cause they might wreck the smoothness and flow of sentences. And you definitely don't want that to happen.

Overall, a nice story, FlamingPhoenix. Keep writing.






Thanks for the review.



Tawsif says...


Anytime.






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Tue May 07, 2019 5:46 am
seekingthetruth says...



can I just say that I am sorry it was a bit harsh , I have read it through now properly uit is really good but as I said before the ending needs some work because its not inspiring its plain and basic. some books that's great. but in this it does not help engage the reader at the end. what I would do is try to plan out the story first so you know what you are going to write for the Beginning , middle and end , this helps you add more empotive lauauage to the story.

that was the only problem I found well done

8.5/10






Thanks for telling me that.



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Mon May 06, 2019 5:39 pm
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seekingthetruth wrote a review...



right.. uh do not get the whole concept of the story , don't get me wrong it started off really great building up tension and suspense then you go and ruin it with a very predictable ending. why could you not have ended it with a cliff hanger or something terrifying to grip the readers. you built all that tension up and all we get is a shadow monster that's really basic. try broadening your imagination read other short stories on here and compare yours to thiers. I wont be complety negative because you had a great plot and a great sense of your audience just in the future try not to make it so predictable it wont make readers read it again because it is not unique.


6.5/10 well done






Thanks for the help.



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Mon May 06, 2019 6:50 am
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Dossereana wrote a review...



Hi @FlamingPhoenix I am here to do a review on your grate chapter here, So lets start with what I like about it.

What I like About It

I can really say that I loved this, for I feel like imagination does run away with you sometimes, its very true I tell you, I think your description was really good as well, one thing i can say is that i do agree with @RandomVanGloboii things feeling a bit rushed after the introduction to the short story, but that't fine everything always needs ficksing.

Reel true lines

This was different, it was quit in a spooky way, in away once a child hears it they can NOT go back to sleep.


So I really like this line because I think its really true, in away I do picture myself doing that right now, I must say I don't think I would do it now, but I defiantly did back then, I remember that rate dream I had, that time was kind of like this and i did go to mummy, I think you remember what i mean.well anyways this was a really spooky but cool and reel line.

Looking around, all I could see was the moons glow shining though my blinds.

Grate description here, I love this line, it just follows with the hole thing and it sounds really true, and spooky, also I am getting so many grate images in my head, I can just see this all happening right in front of me,

So that is all that i can say, about this grate short story here. If I was being mane or to harsh in anyways I am really sorry pleas forgive me. So keep up the grate work, I love reading your story your poems and your short story. I hope to here more short story's and poems and story, from you. :D I hope you like this review sis if not my apologize I do hope my spelling is better in this one.

@EagleFly Out To Seek And Kill.






XD Thank you so much for kind words Eagle, your spelling is a lot better in this review. I will let you know when I post again.



Dossereana says...


Glade to here it. :D



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Mon May 06, 2019 2:55 am
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shieldmaiden says...



So ... it really was just his/her imagination?






Yes!
As a child I would be afraid of the silliest things. So that is were this story came from.



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Sun May 05, 2019 11:39 pm
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Toboldlygo wrote a review...



Hi there! Toboldlygo here for a review! And I am still using my phone, so please be patient with typos/mistakes. My keyboard is small and my thumbs fat.

This piece has a very interesting arc. My first impression was that there was something happening outside. Then I realized that the kid was imagining something, and I expected to find out what s/he was imagining. I thought that would ba very exciting story with great potential. Then, I found out that it was imagined, but we didn't know what it was, and it finished with the kid running to the parents and getting a moral. To be honest, it was a bit of a letdown after anticipating a scary story. I think more detail into what's being imagined would be more exciting to read.

The quality of the writing is excellent, however. It's very clear and easy to understand, and the story progresses well. It's a very nice piece of writing, but I think it could use more details to elaborate what's happening. I loved the hiding under the sheets part. That was excellent.

Overall, this is a very good piece. I think it's got potential, but the way it's currently written, it's somewhat lacking. It sounds very much like a moral without a story, if I'm making sense. I would recommend turning it into a story with a moral, so that we get the enjoyment of the story you're trying to write. I do like this, so please don't be discouraged. I'm being harsh because I think it has the potential to be that much better.

Happy Writing!

Toboldlygo






Thank you for your review. I am planning on rewriting this when I get the chance, because I too agree it could do with a little more. And like what @RandomVanGloboii said it feels a little rushed, so it needs quit a bit of work.



Toboldlygo says...


It does need some, but I think it's a great start snd it can really go somewhere!





I agree.



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Sun May 05, 2019 3:57 pm
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RandomVanGloboii wrote a review...



Hello Phoenix, here is my review!
I really like the subject, a lot. Expecting something terrible to happen and instead it's only the imagination, explained like in a moral story. The part I like more is the introduction:

Have you ever thought of what goes on around you when you are asleep? Well I know what you think, everything is quit, and normal. Everyone is tucked up in their beds, getting the sleep they lac from the days hard work. Well that isn’t true kids. You see as a child I had a nasty surprise when I was tucked up in bed. Let me start from the beginning.

This makes me anticipate a lot inside my mind an increases my interest.

The rest though feels like it was made in a hurry. You could have gone with many details and come up with a good horror story, but you just write what happened and proceed to the end. Details are important to create a sense of uneasiness, they are the parts that form the whole bad feeling. The rhythm also should be slower, to increase the sense of creepiness.

So if you write it again with more details i think it can turn great.That's my opinion, see you!






Thank you for your review. This was my first attempted at making something spooky, so your words really do help, next time I'll try and make it slower.





You welcome :)







The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity.
— Amelia Earhart