Young Writers Society

Hi, @FizzyGirl! Nice use of imagery in this piece, it really gives the reader a sense of being right in the setting. I also kind of like that it was written into this long paragraph run-on, it gives it a sense of happening all at once in an exciting few moments. There are a few spelling mistakes here and there that other reviewers have pointed out, but overall the meaning of the piece is pretty clear.

I'll be curious to see if this is a section or chapter of a continuing installment or if it's a stand-alone piece. I will say, I think the pace of this piece goes pretty quickly, the reader literally has no time to take a breath between each piece of action - this isn't necessarily a bad thing, but is something to be aware of as it can be exhausting for the reader after extended periods of all action reading without any break. Putting some places for just description or transitions is one way to break it up.

Thanks for sharing your work and I look forward to reading more!

Best,

~aliyah

Hey, Aleta here with a bit of advice!

CAPITALIZATION
1. Make sure you start every sentence with capitalization. It's ok if you forget this at times. Make sure to read through your piece and edit. This isn't important if it's poetry, but it is more important in literature. It makes the piece look more put together and professional.

RUN ON SENTENCES
2. I noticed you have quite a bit of run on sentences in here. In fact the entire piece was an actual run on sentence. In actuality I'm not sure if this is a free write poetry or a chapter of some sort. Nonetheless it would be way more organized if you used periods. Like this:

I am running, running, running, faster and faster, through the dark streets of Rome. My hands are clammy and my feet are sore with bunions. My mouth stung with the faint iron taste of blood. I weave into a shop's doorway and catch my breath, and not far behind I hear angry voices shouting my name.
GET MORE IN DEPTH
3. Who is chasing her? You would give the reader a way more vivid picture if you described who the people were that are chasing her. What do they look like? Why is she running from them? Are her pursuers male or female, how old are they? What are they wearing?

SPELLING
4. Correct spelling just takes some time with editing. If you don't know how to spell it correctly you can just google it and the search bar will correct if for you and then you can copy and paste it.
ex: "finneshed" *finished
"believ" *believe

I hope I helped somehow!

Hey, FizzyGirl! What a time you dropped into! Storm here for a review this fine Review Day, so let's jump right into it!

Wow, first off, this is one big run-on sentence. Put some periods in here! Actually, your grammar throughout is a mess. Inconsistent capitalization, misspellings, and a bunch of other issues too. Good grammar is very important because it makes stories easier for your audience to read.

There isn't much to critique here, and to be honest, I don't really know what this is about. You have some pretty good description in here, but not a lot else. There's no context, no storyline, nothing really.

Are the people chasing your main character bullies? It almost seems that way from your last line.

I finally gave in and I collapsed on the wet road, I was done, finneshed, I couldn't do it any more. I let them get to me. I showed them I cared that was my biggest mistake.

Hey, crobbins here for a review!

Happy Review Day!!!

Wow, it's always nice to read a simple description piece like this. All of the detail you utilized in this piece made the short paragraph feel like a gigantic book, in the way that it let the reader truly get immersed in your story you built. It's rare I feel this way with a short story, so good job!

I do have some nit-picks though:

I found one spelling error: "I hope it so hard I believ it, or at least I want to, now the voices are upon me and so are their fists and sharp kicks," Just add an "e" and you'll be good. Easy to miss, no worries!
(One more)
"I was done, finneshed, I couldn't do it any more. I let them get to me. I showed them I cared that was my biggest mistake." I think you mean "finished" and "anymore." Easy fixes!!!

I also want to talk about punctuation. While the use of commas keeps the flow, and is a great way to keep a reader immersed in a single thought, when the thought goes on for too long, the lack of a period can become distracting. See here:
"im running, running, running, faster and faster, though the dark streets of Rome, my hands are clammy and my feet are sore with bunions, my mouth stung with a faint taste of blood, I weave into a shops doorway and catch my breath, not far behind I hear the angry voices shouting my name, I wish I was invisible, "
While the detail of what the person was seeing and feeling was spot on, I found myself thinking "when will the sentence end..." This isn't beneficial to be thinking when you're writing something meant to be immersive. However, it's easily fixed!

Also, I reccomend capitalizing the "I'm" at the very beginning of the story. I love the breathless, desperate feel this story has, but there's also something to be said for a solid, crisp beginning.

I do love your use of detail, metaphor, and comparison. For example, I loved the lines like: "my feet are sore with bunions, my mouth stung with a faint taste of blood..." and "now the voices are upon me and so are their fists and sharp kicks."

One more suggestion, I would consider adding a bit more context. The thought that the character thought of being home is a great idea, but it comes a bit out of the blue. Maybe add more reasoning as to why they immediately thought of home when they get "kicked?" Maybe they miss the warmth and safety, or the acceptance from the sister? It would add another layer to the story.

But overall, GREAT JOB! Loving the detail you put in, wow!

Happy Writing!
-crobbins

Hey there FizzyGirl and welcome to YWS! It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.

I must say that I was intrigued when I say a fantasy piece in the green room because I don't see that many titled under 'other'. I came in here thinking it was going to be a poem like creation but found a short story, which is more my forte anyways. Though it does have me interested, there are a lot of things to critique here and I'd like to move through them so let's get rambling.

First off, this entire paragraph is just a series of run on sentences which makes it really hard to digest. The first sentence off runs for most of the paragraph. I can't tell if that's a typo error or if you really wrote it like that. We definitely need to work on splitting that up into sentences, some of which I'm going to suggest below. This is really the main thing you need to tackle before proceeding any further with this story.
When you're thinking of breaks in your run on sentences, you have to look for spots where it would naturally end without disrupting the feeling too much. Often, the places where commas reside, prove to be good breaking points. For the first sentence, I'd make the break right after the first mention of Rome.

im running, running, running, faster and faster, though the dark streets of Rome.

my hands are clammy and my feet are sore with bunions, my mouth stung with a faint taste of blood,

My hands are clammy, my feet are sore with bunions and my mouth still stings with a faint taste of blood.

I weave into a shops doorway and catch my breath, not far behind I hear the angry voices shouting my name,

I wish I was invisible, I hope it so hard I close my eyes and clench my fists, I hope it so hard I believ it, or at least I want to,

or at least I want to, now the voices are upon me and so are their fists and sharp kicks,

Or at least I wanted to now that the voices are upon me. And so are their fists, followed by their sharp kicks.