Published April 22, 2013
The letter that never came
You left it open,
day in day out.
They filled it with bills,
with catalogue smiles
and magazine subscriptions.
You left it beating,
dripping blood out on to the pavement.
They patched it with newspaper,
and you bled through in pools.
You left it contracting,
opening and closing,
wishing, beating, bleeding,
soaking your lawn
with its incidious red.
It beat so loudly,
And you watched it leak,
emptying it of their trash
just to fill it once more with
blood to drip, drip, drip
until it stopped.
You left it open,
but the letter never came.
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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141,254 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
In response to all of your comments, I am now in total agreement. I've overused the blood metaphor here. I'm going to revise it, and see what I can do. I think I was trying too hard to make it obvious that I was talking about a heart when it didn't really need that much emphasis. Plus, now I've re-read it, it sounds quite macarbe. Thanks everyone!
This is brilliant! It's really emotional, the imagery is wonderful, and the pace is nice. I especially like the line 'blood to drip, drip, drip'- I love the repetition there. Only criticism I would give is that you used the blood metaphor a little too much, but that doesn't stop this from being an amazing poem. Well done.
I tink your work is amazing! Don't be offended that I'm taking up your comment space but my computer is having a spazz attack because I haven't reveiwed anything yet, so... here we go!
One of the only things I can see is the ending of each line doesn't always end in a comma. Little things bug me and I know it's not important but some lines end in commas or full-stops and some don't. Sorry if it sounds like I have OCD but there's not really a lot more criticism I can offer!
This has amazing imagery, is really well structured and provides readers with something to think about. This is amazing!
Hi there!
I think you did quite well in expressing the feeling of pain through your poem. Well, at least that's what I think you feel. Anyway, the two things I think you've mastered here are:
I don't have much time, so I'll get straight to the point.
1- The imagery is very live and catchy.
2- The sense of action and almost suspense which was caused by your great choice of words.
However, I think you've used "blood" and words that have to do with blood far more than necessary. This, of course, is only an opinion. I still think your poem's great the way it is.
Hi there, Fizz! My name is Scarlett and I'll be reviewing you poem this evening.
First off, wow. Just wow. You have some real talent here, and I like it. You've got a way with words here and it's amazing. The flow here is brilliant and I loved the imagery, but I have to say the whole blood thing? Kind of overdone. But it doesn't take away from the poem at all. I think here, it adds to it. I would suggest trying not to use the blood metaphor again, though, unless absolutely necessary (though you're free to ignore it; I've use said metaphor far too many times as it is >.>). I also loved the letter/mail thing. It's a fascinating idea.
Those last two lines are <3. Thanks for such a brilliant poem! I hope this review helps. ^^
Remember; keep it up and never stop writing!
~Scar.