Published May 6, 2014
Noah sat on top a cloud,
Resting on the rain.
He looked down
Upon the city below,
Contemplating the specifics of architecture.
From the light of the moon
Noah could absorb his surroundings,
Feeling them sink in to him.
The moon shone like a spotlight,
Only more radiant,
And it faded from
Darkness to lightness gradually
So very gradually.
Noah usually asked himself
A lot of questions.
He asked them all day, every day.
'How?' 'why?'
Noah was filled with doubt and fear.
But not tonight.
Tonight Noah was on a cloud,
Impossible, unimaginable,
And not a single question had followed him there.
So Noah just floated
In the gentle wind, cold air
Breezing past his face.
And above him,
Beyond the moon,
Was the darkness.
The never ending.
Noah did not jump,
And the city stayed, motionless.
But the cloud floated on,
Drifting until it grew so heavy with rain,
Rain as pure as that moon,
That it washed down upon
The earth with love,
And returned Noah home,
Soaked through to his heart.
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141,422 Literary Works • 674,398 Reviews
Hello, Fizz!
Is unneeded, and should be taken out. It only drags the poem on, and the readers already understand that the light is changing intensity gradually because you said it in the preceding line.I really like the pictures you're painting here. I love the thought of sitting on top of a cloud and just looking over everything.
There are some things, however, that I think you could edit in order to make this even better.
I'm going to address the format first. Poetry should be single spaced, but in order to do that on YWS, you'll need to hold shift when you press enter to create a new line. Also, when a poem that is medium to long in length like this is all in one stanza, it can be intimidating and sometimes difficult to read. So, when you get a chance to get off of your iPad, formatting would be a good thing to mess with.
So when I heard the name "Noah," I immediately thought of the Bible story of Noah and the Ark. I'm pretty sure this isn't the same Noah, but the name still draws the mind to that story. If you want to name your character, I suggest naming him something that doesn't immediately draw reader's minds to a story or legend in particular.
The first four lines of the poem have a nice rhythm, and seem like they're going to rhyme. It's almost jarring when the next line doesn't rhyme. Since this is a free verse poem, and I'm against adding rhyme where it's not needed, I suggest you mess with the wording of the first four lines so this psych out doesn't occur.
I noticed that, altogether, your lines are very short. If I were you, I'd combine some of the shortest lines with adjacent lines. As it is, the poem seems rather choppy.
Another thing to think about is what is needed. This poem dragged on a little bit, and it's because you have a lot of unneeded words and lines in here. Try going through the poem, asking yourself, "Is this necessary?" About every word. Remember that writing is rewriting.
For example, the line
There are a few descriptions that seem out of place, too. Make sure you focus on the meaning of the poem and don't get off topic (the meaning being that Noah is alone and happy with his thoughts).
This should either be "sat atop" or "sat on top of"
Anyway, I like the images, but make sure you're being very deliberate with your language. I hope this review proves helpful to you. Happy writing!
You need stanzas which spate you paragrahs you need four lines to a paragraph and also you need ot fix a lot of things
one you do need some punctuation in your sentences.
Two you need to have some rhyming words so that you poem makes snese and you can feel that its a poem
Three you should enter you paragraphs after every four lines to make a stanza.
Because a poem is not a poem without stanzas.
Four. You need some more punchuation at the last two or three lines.
But other than all that your poem is good. I think you should fix these errors before other people read your poem.
I hope I helped.
Love dogsrule5
Yeah thanks, I actually submitted this from my iPad so I had a few formatting issues. But seriously? Rhyming? I can't even begin to explain how much poems do not need to rhyme. Your formatting comments were legit though, thanks
sorry about the rhyming thing I just wanted to get points for reviewing