Proctor (Draft II)

by Fishr
  • March 10, 2009
  • Novel / Chapter
  • Historical Fiction

So, instead of reformatting a second time, I opted to attach the story from Word. Least this way you can see the pretty photos and such.

And now, I owe four critques and will get onto them soon. : )

Thanks all!

Comments & reviews · 4
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Twit
Review
Twit wrote a review · Thu Mar 12, 2009 9:46 am

Io!

It was bitter cold out two weeks ago when I began this project.


So, does this mean that it was cold two weeks after you began the project, or it was cold when you began this project two weeks ago?


The chill in the wind made the snap that much more unbearable.


You could be more direct here. “The chill wind made the snap even more unbearable.”


It was on these evenings, when the world outside was less than appreciative that a little story began coming to life in this wee shell of a brain.


I think you need a comma after “appreciative”? And “appreciative” seems a strange word to use. :?


After a few days of mulling over the thought of beginning yet, another project, I half-heartedly began writing about Private Alex Proctor.


No comma after “yet”.


The freezing temps put in motion the perfect setting: Valley Forge.


Write out “temps” as “temperature”.


My Unit is the Twenty-Ninth Regiment of Foot but the name I selected for myself is, yes, Private Alex Proctor.


I’m not quite sure why that “but” is there. Is there a reason why a private called Alex Proctor shouldn’t be in that Regiment?


The sheer amusement is most definitely evident for myself. A British soldier being thrusted into the wintery hell known as Valley Forge and worse still, he’s in Washington’s Army, portraying my regimental name. Ha!


This made absolutely no sense whatsoever, but that may be because I haven’t read the rest of this? And “thrusted” is not a word. “Thrust”!


---

No attatchment! I couldn't really get the idea of what this was about, but your Afterward hadn't been critted, so. :)

User avatar
Fishr
Comment
Fishr commented · Wed Mar 11, 2009 11:33 pm

Thanks so much! I'm so happy you enjoyed the revisions.

Well, I guess I'm a little paranoid so I took down the attachment since an Instructor was fairly recently banned for plagerism. But! It was an interesting journey! Yep, I felt real bad for Proctor at the end. It was a weird ride, taking the alternative personality of the Proctor I protray in the 29th Reg't and working with a "Blueberry in rags," or in other words, a Doodle, a Rabble in Arms, a Rebel, etc... We don't call them Continentals. ; )

What did you think of my Afterward? Did you find it interesting or appealing at all? Or was it stupid?

Cheers, Madam. ;) *tips hat*

User avatar
Pippiedooda
Review
Pippiedooda wrote a review · Wed Mar 11, 2009 8:33 pm

:D! Love the finished version!! Like I said, the description of Zack is great- awful but great (if you get what I mean), I found a couple of little mistakes that I shall point out but nothing big! :)

To further distract of what I just bared witnessed too


I figured that 'bared witnessed' was part of his speech but too needs to be to I think :)

“Shh!” Alex whispered angrily in a whisper.


I think this would be better as just 'Alex whispered angrily.'

From his leather sheath, Argyle pulled out a small knife, no longer than six inches. Carved into each side of the handle are thistles.


because its all in the past tense, I'd change 'are thistles' to 'were thistles'.

I simply cannot divert me attention and knowingly cast me attention to the bayonet strapped to me right hip.


I'd change one of the 'attention's to something else so you're not repeating it, like focus.

Through thee death of him, to honor Gyle,


thee needs to be the :)

New ones were born immediately afterward so I let them have thee way.


thee needs to be their I think

I glanced at me right hand, just a peek, as the rest of it still tucked tightly in the coat.


it should be it's or it is.

On the march, the men and I witnessed thee pale blue hues as our skin turned into eventual light purples.


I think thee should be the, unless its part of how he's talking?

I held onto him for as long I was able


I think you need an 'as' before 'I was able.'

I, there was just no time.”


I think it might be more effective to use ... instead of a comma- just a suggestion though.

“No!” I roared, and spat. I clenched me gut and shook me head continuously. “No, no, no.” The coughing graciously leaves.


You switch to past tense here, instead of roared I'd say roar and change clenched to clench and shook to shake :)

Proctor, who resembled a human cannonball, is wrapped in torn, blue wool. The stench of the black powder emits an unpleasant, sour scent. He sat silently.


I think it might make more sense to say 'resembles' instead of resembled and 'sits' instead of 'sat'- that's just my preference though :P

He limps alongside General Washington, as the two Officers turned their backsides on Private Alex Proctor.


To keep in with the present tense I'd say 'turn' instead of 'turned'.

Overall: Reading through this as one long story has proved to be even more effective then just reading in chapters, even though I knew what was coming at the end it still made me feel so sad!! I love Proctor :( One thing overall- the part where he switches back to remembering Zack is not that distinguished from where he is presently, I'd maybe add a space or a sentence or something like that to indicate that he's thinking back to the past :)

But anyway, I think you have done brilliantly in the parts you have added in- definite improvement! You know I think this stories great :D *star*

Oh and just to say thank you for taking all my reviews on board and making sense of them :P It was a pleasure to read your story and if you ever want a review in future I'd love to!!



Even strength must bow to wisdom sometimes.
— Rick Riordan, The Lightning Thief